It has been quite a while since my last blog. Why? Who knows. I am sure I have a million reasons for not doing so but really I think I just got sick of hearing myself think. (so to speak)
Life is a bit hard at the moment. Lots has happened, but it all remains the same....if you know what I mean.
My mum and sister have moved out of my house. It is nice to have my space back and my time with my kids and all, but I do miss the company at times. I have madly been trying to clean the house which is taking ages. When I moved back in after Michael left the house was a huge mess. Every wall and door had marks and dirt and in some instances mould on them. We didn't get a chance to clean then, and to be honest I really had no compulsion to clean during the time from then till now. When I had my kids I was here but it as any mother knows can be mayhem, and when they were not here I had no motivation to be here either. I just could not do it at those times. I guess now I have moved on personally and while I still know that this was my 'family' home, it now has some different memories and I am feeling more comfortable withing its shell.
I have reflected on this 'house' and realise that it actually was always me that made it a 'home' so I know now that i can do that again if I choose to.
I am unsure of what the future holds for me with this house, I would like to sell and move on and forward but there are many things to be fixed, and while I could sell as is- who will honestly want to buy it with all the things that need to be done.
Dani - bless her cotton socks - is moving in to help me pay the mortgage that honestly I cannot afford on my own. I got paid today and after paying the paper bills, I have $200 dollars for food and life for the next 2 weeks. I am coping but I am certainly not getting ahead.
Anyway, I got some difficult news the other day about my health and I will need to have surgery with a 6-8 week recovery period. I must admit thinking "why me again?" but then again there are so many people much worse off and there are positives to the proceedure. I just struggle with the possible outcomes. I realise that in all honesty that i will be fine, but i need to think about the possibility that something may just go wrong. What if it does? The situation with Michael is a difficult one and I worry about all the 'what if's' I know this is trying to read the last chapter, but really it is about just being prepared.
I do not want to die like my dad and leave questions and guilt for my loved ones. I will be organising my medical orders and while it is to some morbid to think of such things, for me it is a necessity for my piece of mind.
So a fairly full on blog for my first one back after my hiatis. Oh well gotta keep up the drama...just wish sometimes it was someone elses drama....

The last wedding anniversary

So it is nearly done. My last offical wedding anniversary. I know that this time next year I will be divorced so I won't be able to say that it was my anniversary.
Difficult day.
Various feelings and emotions.
Sadness, regret, sorrow, mixed with a touch of anger and some relief.
The regret is of course related to the fact that I invested a huge amount of my life into that relationship. I believe in marriage. I believe in fedelity and honesty. I beleive in building your life with someone by your side. Sorrow because I lost my way.
The anger?? The anger continues to light a fire within for my children. To listen to my son talk about how sad he is, how WE need to find a SOLUTION (his words) to the situation that is his life. All he wants is to see me more often. He talks about how his dad has changed. He talks about how his week with me seems to flash by and that today, Monday, he starts to stress about how it is nearly the end of the week and he has to go back.
Breaks my heart.
Relief. Because now that the fog has lifted, I can clearly see once again the life I had and while I do wish for it in many ways, I do not wish for it in others. I no longer have to live constanly on edge, trying to convince those around me that the man I loved was a decent person. I don't have to make excuses anymore for behaviour that wasn't mine.
Relief...
Now I cannot go into too much detail on this (as I have censorship issues with some of my readers, or fans as I refer to them) but there are things (sexually) that I now realise was never good. I just thought that was the way of it, but actully, no. I would seem that maybe, Michael and I were just not chemically suited.
So while I have allowed myself to be down about this, I am now done for today. I have to get off the bus stop. I realise that I am not getting on the bus, but I do see that I cannot continue to sit and wait.
My life is in my hands.
I just have to believe in myself enough to know that whatever is around my corner, will be fantastic!!

Feeling rather low

Life is a very funny thing, as I have often reflected. I am feeling rather down at the moment and I hate it. I hate to feel like I am worthless, like I don't matter, and as much as I try and give myself a good stern talking to, at times it just doesn't work.
I am feeling this way due to a number of factors. I am sure there are some that even I am unaware of at this point in time and luckily for me really, because how much could I cope with at once? (actually I think I have coped with a hell of a lot more)
So why?
Tomorrow is my 13th wedding anniversary.(17 years together) I know that really I only made 11 and a half, not even 12, although this time last year I still truely believed that we were going to work it out.... I digress..... so yes I guess I remembering all the times, good and bad.
What do I really miss?
I miss the connection with a single other person. I miss the ease at which my life had. I miss the belief that I had a life plan. I mean I didn't know exactly where I was headed but knew the general direction. I miss the life I had, the fact that I had my kids all the time, (and yes it is every mothers dream to have a little alone time, but when you have no choice, when you can't see them, it is physically painful) I miss that we had shared experiences, I mean I had only known him my whole adult life.
It is so hard to remove yourself from those experiences, those feelings, those memories.
So here I sit in our house, the home we shared, where our children were conceived and our lives mapped out. Here I sit alone,and lonely. This will be my last anniversary, next year I will be divorced.
So I sit and ponder at what life might have been, but I am honestly trying to think that maybe,just maybe there are better things to come. That maybe the universe has other plans, and that maybe,just maybe life will once again have a plan, a meaning and a direction.

Bye Bye

So I am not going to see David anymore. He is the guy that I have been seeing, and whom I slept with. Why you may ask?? Was it because he had a small penis??? Was it because I received no sexual satifaction from our encounter?? Or is it becuase even though I understand that he doesn't want a relationship, he treats me like I don't exist????
Bingo if you guessed the last one. (how clever you are) Yes, he treats me like I am not worth his time. I mean, we slept together, and while it wasn't mind blowing, it wasn't too bad. The next day not even a small text of thanks or anything. Now I know you will be thinking...Katrina...he told you he didn't want what you wanted and you agreed to be friends with benefits....but for weeks we had also previously texted general stuff. Now that is all I wanted....something like...
"Gee Katrina, your amazing massage put me to sleep and while I snored away I acidently forgot about giving you any pleasure, however I will try harder next time" But alas, no such comment, no anything.
So I do not want to be a sad and pathetic 'chaser'. I am worth more than that.
Do I regret sleeping with him????? No, is the true and honest answer becuase I actually had to smash down some huge personal barriers to do so. So out of this I have actually gained a huge amount in terms of my personal confidence and I am certainly a hell of a lot more savvy when it comes to giving head. (ooh was that just too much information???, sorry)
So off I go back onto RSVP. But I am ok about it. It's all good.
Onward, upward and forward....

So it happened

Well it is official....now if you don't want all the gory details do not continue to read. I mean you know me, you know that I say stuff that other people wouldn't and I am about to discuss my first sexual experience with a man who wasn't Michael. So you have been warned....
So I have seen this guy 4 times and yes I have slept wwith him. Big move for me. I must admit that it was very difficult. I mean it was awkward and weird. I have issues with my body at the best of times but to be even thinking about revealing my naked body to someone else.....well I have come a long away.
My new self inspiration "I will not habour unhealthy thoughts" is working.
I took the plunge, I opened myself up (mentally not talking bodily, although I guess I did that too)
So we kissed, not bad, and then it moved into other areas. Now I have to say that it was very different from what I have previously known. I guess I was very niave but I sort of assumed that it would be the same types of things that would turn him on. I have always beleived that I had a number of skills when it came to sexual relations. But apparently, and ofcourse, it is different for everyone.
I mean I know this as a woman, what turns me on doesn't do it for the next woman, but men are basic creatures that I figured got off on the same sort of stuff.
So anyway I guess I shouldn't go into anymore detail than that......I mean he is a bit of a nerd and what if he works out a way to read it, or anyone else for that matter.
So, I did enjoy it. I would like to do it again,not necessarily with the same guy. I wonder does that make me a slut??? If so???, then so be it. I am living for now at the moment and I will embrace all the new experiences that may come with that.
I am quite proud of where I am at the moment. Good luck to me :)

One of those days

Well it has been one of those days that are often sent to test us. Are we as strong as we thought we were, can we cope with things bashing us in the face, am I as emotionally tough as I feel that I am???
I am happy and relieved to say that the answer to that is YES I AM!!
Papers came today from a certain persons solicitor (who shall remain nameless). I was upset, and pissed off and for a moment I felt like crying.Not because I was sad, but because I was so MAD!! The papers included a draft consent order discussing amicable this and with discussion that. Is he mentally ill??? I actually think he is. I mean I have just terminated mediation because not just me but OTHERS see that he is not able to put the children first and seems to have a total disregard for anybody elses opinion that is different to his own.
What the fuck is he on??? I want to know because I would love some so that I can believe that I am always right, that I can do whatever I like.
Sorry for the swearing but really, it is the only word that does apply....
So I have an appointment tomorrow with my person, so it begins, it has started, it is on, no turning back, no stopping for a breath, no nothing..........

The best night out - EVER

Now, I have had some fantastic times. Who could forget scrapbooking weekend 2008, at Melissa's place. Mama Mia...say no more. I think the tears that streamed down Toni's face are still imprinted on all of our minds. But I have to say that my night out last night rates up there with the best I have ever had!!
There were only 3 of us, but boy did we party!!! Our cheeks are still sore from all the laughing. What did we do you my ask???? Nothing out of the ordinary but we were all in the right frame of mind and the night was FABULOUS!!
Kym, Dani and I stayed in the city, met some great people, danced and drank (yes me, while I don't think you could say that I was pissed, I did get pissey and at times I couldn't stand up from all of the laughing. It was a big step for me who has never been technically drunk, I certainly had moments of fuzz but moments of clarity also)
I love to dress up and put myself out there so I had decided that I wanted to mohawk my hair and paint my face - ala Lady GaGa (who incidently I don't really like but in a club her music rocks!!) I don't think this would come as a shock to anyone who knows me. I have no problem with feather boas, knee high boots etc. So what did I do??? Walking around in the city, I was called to a shop by the universe, and there staring at me was a long purple wig. I fell in love and just had to have it.
I ended up just being a star at the club. Who would think that a club like The Beat I would be interesting. (and yes it is a gay bar, but there are a wide range of people who go there and the atmosphere is electric) so me in my wig....HUGE hit. I was called outrageous. I was chatted up by men and women and the quote of the night was when a young boy of 25 asked my age....when he heard 36 he was dumbstruck and exclaimed "you are the hotest 36 year old I have ever seen!!"
So the laughing, the dancing, the sangria and the vibe all combined in the universe to tell me that I am alive, that I am free and that I am fabulous!!!

The 'date'

I know many of you would like to know how my date went last night. I also know that at times I have written about these types of things and left you hanging about the results.....table for six ring a bell?? So I thought I had better fill you in before I get hate vibes across the universe..
I guess I would describe it as an interesting insight into my views on people and maybe the stereotypes that I hold within me,even when I try not to have them. So I met Troy last night. We had spoken on the phone once and he had sent me a few texts over the week. Nothing amazing or cute or sexy or anything, just basic communication. His texts were not grammatically correct or structured. He didn't try to be funny or cute. So when we spoke, he did sound as I expected. (rude of me really, at times I really am a snob) He is a tiler and he did sound very "ocker" if you know what I mean. A real tradie.
So he made a dinner booking at what actually was a very lovely restaurant at Mooloolaba. At first glance he was good looking, had a lovely body and I have to say that the thing I look for the most to make judgement about a guy is his shoes. He had nice, trendy shoes. He dressed very sunshine coast. Nice surfy jeans and shirt. So I was surprised. The food was expensive and I did actually order the most expensive thing on the menu, not because he was paying but because it was what I wanted.
I have to say that I spent most of the night talking, and he spent it drinking. He never attempted to engage me in conversation about me. I asked him a lot of questions and found out that he appears to live in a world that money is no problem. He likes the horses and I was horrified to hear that he will spend thousands at the track most weekends. When paying the bill, he pulled out a wad of hundreds, with a rubber band..... That blew mw away. And me being me I made comment on this. "Wow, never seen anyone do that before" He thought that was hilarious and offerred me the money he was going to leave for the tip....Obviously I was a sad, poor person.
So it was done, no talk of seeing each other again. I offerred to drive him home as he was catching a cab, drinker that he is. On the way we stopped off at the bottle shop. Classic.
So there we are another experience. Another step. Another day.

Date Night

Well I am about to once again get ready for a FIRST date. I have had a few of these recently and while nothing much has come out of them, I must admit to enjoying it.
I guess if I put on my counsellors hat, one might say that I am experiencing things that I did not experience when I was younger. Michael and I met when I was 18 and that was that. He was the only man that I had ever dated (and really we didn't even date) Michael was the only man that I had ever slept with and the only experience that I have known as an adult of being with a man. So I will admit to being somewhat excited at times about the possibilty of experiencing those things again. Possibly a lot of things for the First time.
I do readily admit that I am terrified of many parts of dating. The what if's and all the negative thoughts that like to twist and turn within my, some would say, interesting thought processes.
But here I sit thinking "I will not harbour unhealthy thoughts anymore" and so I will go forth into the unknown and not dwell or twist or over think or do anything than just let things go as they will and be as they will.
Who knows what might happen....I don't, and for once in my life, I will not seek out the answer, I will not try and read the last chapter......mmmmm is that a lesson I have learnt??????

Strength

I sit here and think about the amazing strength that we carry within us each and every day. I have always felt like a strong and capable person and have always prided myself on having been able to juggle all the 'balls' that life has thrown at me. I guess it is why I found it so difficult when it became too hard for me to keep them all in the air.
I certainly feel that I have regained that inner strength once again, however I am changed. I have realised that I do not have to keep them all going. I can at times put one down and just focus on the most important ones. I have also realised that for much of my life with Michael, I had failed to juggle a particular ball at all - ME. I always let that one go. I would not only not pick it up, but I would push it away so that it wasn't even looked at. I became so good at ignoring this ball, that when it finally hit me in the face, I didn't recognise it.
I understand that I have always been a giver. I have liked to give and at times felt great joy in the giving process. What I failed to realise, was that even a person that loves to give, needs a little receiving. It didn't sit well with me. I have never accepted nor enjoyed compliments. I have always tried to be the first one to put myself down or make disbaraging comments about me. Mostly about those things that I was most insecure about.
It is ironic, that when people first get to know me, they believe the facade that I portray. The tough exterior, the say it like it is, the risk taker.But is that truly me?? At times it is, but at other times it is an act. It is the show I put on to hide the fact that I am actually a very insecure person, who while seemingly encouraging the spotlight, does so to disguise many a perceived flaw.
I am trying to get past this. I am trying to say...Well what is actually wrong with me? Now I could list a number of items, but again this is me jumping in when I don't need to. There is actually nothing wrong with me. I am a good and decent person. I may not be thin, but I am not ugly. I am lucky to have so many good things in my life and I need to make sure that I acknowledge and embrace them.
My favourite quote at the moment from EAT, PRAY, LOVE

I will not harbour unhealthy thoughts anymore

These are words to not only embrace but to live by. I want to start living .....

Another Chapter Begins

Go to court go directly to court, do not pass go, do not collect any money, in fact be prepared to spend all your money on arsehole lawyers who care nothing for your situation or life. Oh and don't forget to leave your compassion, dignity and sense of humour at the courthouse door.
This has been a community announcement brought to you by another statistic.

On the road...

It has been a very productive weekend for the residents of this house. Mum, Beccy (yes I did say Beccy it is not a mistake) me and the kids, all rolled up our sleeves and got in and did a bit around the house. It was very empowering. Mum has bought a house and she is looking forward to having her own 'Home' again. I am excited as once she leaves this house will be on the market and hopefully not long after that, my life will start on its next path.
It's amazing that work was done. No work has been carried out on this house since we moved in. I just have had no motivation what so ever. Why??? Because as I have mentioned in previous blogs...this no longer feels like my home. It is just a shell in which the daily activities happen, but one in which there is no essence.
I hope the people who buy this house will once again fill it with love and family and make it a home once more.
I am more than ready to move on. I am in fact very excited. It will be the first time that I can make all of my own decisions.

I hate men

So yes I have begun to put myself out there to try and find out who I am and what I want. So I have been on RSVP, and before you make judgement about that, I ask you, where would you try and meet single men these days??? It is very difficult if you are not on one of these sites. And take it from me, as most of you will as you are all happily smug marrieds.....that it is bloody hard to find people to meet.
I mean I did join the Table for Six dinner club....and boy how did that go??? Not that well is the answer. Sitting for hours with 5 other people that you may think right from the start are just not your cup of tea. But you feel obliged to sit and chat and make stupid small talk that means nothing to noone, not even you if you are the one talking. You sit and you nod your head, and smile at the appropriate time, while all the while thinking I wish I could look at my watch and somehow take back the wasted time that you have just lost.
But I digress......
The current situation is that I have been talking to a certain male and have met him a few times. He seems nice, I enjoy his company and it seemed the feelings were mutual, but low and behold they are not. God I hate games. You either like someone or you don't and if you don't why don't people have the balls to just tell you?? I don't understand it, but then I don't play games. I generally tell it like it is but with this type of situation I have held back.
I don't want to seem too desperate and embarrass myself. I know you are thinking that this is generally not an issue for me as I tend to embarrass myself regularly, but this is much more difficult. Especilly when it means something. Now I am certainly not saying that this is the be all and end all of something because there is no relationship or anything....it is just the point. When someone texts you I believe that you have an obligation to acknowledge and if needed respond to the message. Not immediately of course but when you can. Why do others not feel the same way? Why do we at times seem to not have some common curtesy in regards to others? I guess I have now experienced this lack of curtesy from a male again, the other one needs not be named here as all and sundry know it.
So here I sit, dissapointed, disenchanted and maybe a little emotionally dented, but I know I will be fine and I know this is just a very little thing but it is just another hurdle for me deal with, another step in the journey, another lesson to learn.....

My children, my life

I glanced at my watch throughout the day waiting for the moment when I could finally have my babies once agin in my arms. When they are not with me, I feel a physical pain. At times it can be overwhelming not being able to call them or know what they may or may not be doing. It is a very cruel person who can try and disconnect the bonds of a parent. Now I do not mean for a moment that fathers cannot have the same connection to their children, because they can.
But my children grew inside me. I was connected to them before they took a breath. I spoke to them every day inside my body and I was humbled when I felt them move within me.
My children are my life. They are in my thoughts each and everyday and they are at the forefront of my mind when I make any decisions.
I know that this will not always be the caase, but right now, right at this moment I am only whole when they are with me. When we are apart I struggle to be me. I hope and pray that this will not always be the case.

Doubts

Doubts are a strange creature. Why do we have to have them? One moment we can be quite confident and feel like nothing could tear us down, then the next moment Mr Doubt creeps and taps you on the shoulder. So the brothers grim of Mr Doubt and Mr Dwell are still lingering around me. I am able to resist them more now, than I ever have, but still there they sit waiting for me to drop my guard for just a moment before they jump in to start tearing me down once again.
I am trying to move on with my life, and some have reflected that finally I am doing a damn good job of it. I have had a number of dates and I have been conversing with the opposite sex about various things. But it is now at these times that I start to doubt myself. You may send a text and then you wonder, 'oh, how will that be read?' then you think 'oh, maybe I shouldn't have sent that', then you wait for a return text and when one is not forthcoming you question 'maybe they are just not that into you' I borrowed that movie on the weekend and it made me think...is that the way of dating? Are there rules? What are the signs? Should I be casual and aloof? Should I be open and honest?
My sister asked about one of the dates. She asked who texted first? Why? Aparently if you text first that then means they are not interested. You shouldn't text first. You should wait.
Do I have to follow these silly rules? Can't I just be honest and truthful? If I like someone can't I just say I like them?
I guess I will have to wait and see......

Another step....

I rang the real estate today to offically tell them that I will be selling my home. It has been a difficult decision as I love my house. It was the dream. I designed it. I chose the colours and styles etc. But at the end of the day it is just a house. It is a house that holds lovely family memories. Both my children have all their early memories here and for Blayne it will be a difficult time. He will be the one who is most upset at this move.
My mum has signed a contract for her home. She is very excited. She has felt, like I have that this has not been a home since we moved back, but a house. She needs a home once again and so do I. There are just too many memories here for me. Over time they have lessoned but at the end of the day it is still the home I built and bought with Michael. It is time that I moved on. It is time that I shed the shackles so to speak, of my married life. I am no longer married (well technically I am but not in spirit or heart or anything else that matters)
S0 MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS WHO READ THIS....I will need your help. I have a huge amount of work to do to get this house ready. So I humbly ask for some help and assistance. I propose that on a weekend in the next month that I have a working bee. I will provide the food, drinks and hugs to all those amazing friends who will come and help. I will let you know as soon as I work out the best weekend so please let me know what you think about this. I will of course understand if you choose not to help and promise not to egg your house.
This is just another step in my journey........

Not a good day

I am having one of those days that just make you cringe and you think 'how did I get here?' Just when you think that you are on top of the shit and all seems to be right with the world around you....BAM!!!! In it comes again to knock you down. Now before people start to roll their eyes and think 'here she goes again', I am just having a bad day and I will not let it dictate me life.
I am much stronger emotionally than I have been for a very long time. I know that this will knock me a bit, but that I have seen and feel that I can get over these hurdles.
Hurdles are a funny thing aren't they??? Again I sit and ponder about the universe and all things, and have to at times ask myself....'what do I need to take from this new road block in my life?' I have come to be very good at looking at all the information (some say I look at too much of the information and take too much on board as being mine to own) But at least I do know that whatever is being thrown my way....and let me say right now that I do not believe that I have actually been through the worst of this journey and that you who are reading this need to prepare to help me, that whatever is going to be thrown my way I am more than capable of dealing with it, without allowing it to once again destroy my soul.

New Beginnings

I have been working hard at accepting my life for what it is now and not keep dwelling on regrets and perceived failures. It has been hard. I am in fact a consummate dweller. I dwell on most things. I think and re-think things. I go over what I said and worry that maybe I should have said it in a different way or have said something totally different altogether. So this move to stop dwelling is not as easy at some lovely people think. They say "stop thinking about it" "move on" "don't worry" and as I have said in previous posts, they all mean well and are trying to inspire me, but as a dweller extraindonaire, it is a little harder than that.
I mean how many people would like to give up something and again, good meaning people say, well just stop eating it, or how many people ache to give up smoking but just do not have the motivation or commitment even though they know how very bad it is for them.
So long story short, sort of, I have made a move to hop off the dwelling train. I have made the fat controller blow the whistle and halt all journeys. Now this is not to say that I am cured....there are no magic fairies or flying carpets here, but I am making a concerted effort to focus on those things that I can control and not try and fix, change or modify the things that have already happened.
So I sit and write this post with a spring in my fingers and am not dwelling on changing anything that I have written. Small steps......

Faith

I sit here wondering about the world around me. When some of us experience difficulties and hardship, well meaning and caring people will often say.... we have a lesson to learn, or that god doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. I ponder about these statements a lot. I guess I am seeking my spiritual self. To believe these statements is acknowledging that we are not in control of our lives and that it doesn't matter the choices we make as they are pre-destined. I like to think that I do have control over all the choices that I make. I know that I cannot control those around me who also make their own choices, but for it to be pre-destined? I also wonder at the belief that when people die - that it was their time to go. That they had learn't the lessons that they needed for this life. Are they saying that a 99 year old person is still to learn something or a baby who dies from sids had something to learn?? Or then it is turned around and statements are made that it may not have been the people who died that had a lesson to learn but those around them.
I am not at all trying to dis-respect anything that anyone has told me. I envy people with faith. I envy their beliefe that all will be well and that they can allow the terrible things that happen to have a greater meaning.
I seek faith, for me.
I have realised that my faith does not need to be that of anyone elses, but needs to be what sits with me each and every day. I am currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. This book is about one womans journey to find her faith, herself in the face of depression and distance from life.
It has made me think about me and the needs that I have to be part of the world of faith, but has empowered me to seek my version of it.
I wonder at the lessons that I may have had to learn from the experiences I have had?? I had thought my heart attack 2 years ago was an experience that made me appraciate life, but in hindsight (which is a wonderful thing) it seems to have been the start of my journey of self and life discovery.
I am close (not quite there totally yet) to believing that all that has happened may have been for the better...not the kids part of everything, because there is no way that I can see that as being a better situation,but posssibly the marriage breakdown and depression. I can see that I was not being my true self. That I was settling for things too often and that I was and am, worth more than I was receiving.

Australia Zoo

Sierra and I had a great day at the zoo today. We went with Deb, Nathan and Emma. It was lovely spending time with this lovely threesome. Sierra, god bless her, is working on not whinging about everything. It seems to only happen with me. I think she saves it all up on the week I don't have her and then lets me have it. Some weeks it is very difficult, other weeks she is great.
Some have pothesised (?) that she may be blaming me for everything and feels like I abondoned her. I certainly do feel like that, I mean how does a three year old deal with being away from either parent for 7 days?? No contact, nothing.
It is what I am now fighting for. It is the only thing important enough to fight for.

Forward

So here I am taking another step in moving forward. I have started to try and heal difficult wounds from the past.I have tried to apologise to old friends who I lost along the way and now I am beginning to try and work out what it is that I want out of my life.
Dating is an interesting thing. It isn't that I want to jump right on in to another relationship...I think it is about feeling like you are worth something. I realise however that I need to feel like I am worth something to myself before anyone else could. I am working hard on that. At times I feel extremely worthless. I feel ugly and seem to believe that there couldn't possibly be anyone out there who could or would love me.
I know this is wrong because I do have someone who loves me. This person continues to stand at the side, constantly at their own bus stop. I would like nothing more than to fling myself into their arms and stop this constant to and fro of lifes difficulties...but I cannot. I have, as most of you know, had some issues with my sexuality over the last few years. It is not that I need to attatch a label to myself, but it is a journey about who I am, what I want and where my direction is. I need to know ME. Maybe I will never know what I am seeking, but I owe it to myself to find out before I make any major decisions.
So I am starting to date. It has so far been interesting. I wish there was a book on what do you say when you first meet someone, how should you behave. I am sure it won't come as a surprise to any that I am a tad bit sarcastic. Can be quite cutting at times. I think that maybe one of my lessons is to try and curb my tendency to make smartarse remarks....even if they are really funny.
So I start on another path that may or may not be useful, but at least I feel like I am making progress, at least I feel like I am moving forward, and at least for a while, when I meet someone new, I can be my old self again, without the strain of all the stuff swirling about. At least for a little while.

Bus Stop

The funny thing about waiting at the bus stop is the chance it gives you to reflect on all the thoughts in your head. I am however sick of analysing my thoughts and feelings, my actions and reactions. I think I know myself more now than I ever have. At times it is nice to be able to look outside of yourself and honestly see the person you really are. In saying this, it is also difficult to see that person with all the faults and flaws that you generally try to pretend is not there.
I have been able to see that while I have always wanted to make all the right decisions and choices, and worked hard at doing so, I am human, and I am not perfect.
My journey is now one of trying to love myself once again for who I am, the good, the bad, the annoying; and to forgive myself. I think the hardest part will be to forgive me. So I will sit at the bus stop and work on accepting me for who I am, and start the process of forgivness, because without forgiving myself I cannot move forward, or backwards or sideways, if I can't forgive myself I will continue to be stuck waiting for the bus.

At the bus stop.

So here I am once again blogging....wow twice in 2 weeks...this is progress.
I guess I am a bit hesitant to blog too much anymore about the truly personal stuff. I mean I don't think that I have said anything that isn't true, and when I do try and let off steam I try to be fair, but I am concerned that the stuff that I am putting out there, may be used against me at a future time.I worry that I can be accussed of defamation and the like and that what if people who i don't want to read this, actually do??? It is perplexing
So I will try and just talk in a general way about the things that are happening to me and see how that sits in my mind.
So on Monday I made real progress in my ability to deal with stressfull and distressing situations. I made sure that I had grace and dignity and that I did not cry in front of the 2 people that I never want to cry in front of.
I am slowly getting my spirit back. At times I have felt like I was nearly there....here I was on the edge of my life again. I had been waiting at the bus stop and finally a bus was stopping that I could get onto. Unfortunately it had no more room so it left without me and left me standing there at the bus stop once again. 2 steps forward and 5 back.
I guess on the bright side there is some movement, and movement at least means that I am alive and not in a bag somewhere.
So here I stand at the bus stop waiting to see if I can get on one of the many buses that pass me, at least today I am ok to wait. At least today I hold the timetable in my hand, it is just the destination that I seek.

This is for Tanya!!

Well it seems to have been a little while since I last blogged. Ages really. I guess I felt like I didn't want to repeat myself over and over again. But I have been abused about my lack of blogging so here I go again and try to keep you up to date with the ongoing drama and struggle which is my life.
My last blog was about my first foray into dating in the company of others.....lets just say that this first go wasn't the experience i thought it ould be. I felt like a child at the adults table. None of the other diners had been married or had children. They were rather boring and I was itching to go. The food was ok but really expensive. The guy across from me had food on his face for most of the night and I had to make a joke about the sperm shaped chocolate....needless to say it was a disaster. So I have been on 2 more...well I did pay a shitload of money to part of the group so I keep going in the hope that I will meet some people who may be ne friends in my life.
I can't really say that I am in a happy place right now personally, I had a difficult night tonight for certain reasons and I find that just a small thing can throw me off course. I did cope, I didn't make a fool of my myself so I guess apart from my reaction all is ok.
At times I sit and I do get scared about my future. It is not that I am desperate to have anyone in my life, it is just the fact that I like to share my life, my experiences and my journey with someone. Someone who will have my back in this world. I did think that, that was Michael, but no it wasn't. He has moved on and I guess my issue is that I have no closure on many questions inside my heart. I am trying so hard to move past it and just get on with my life, but my heart holds me back. My head yells, and screams, and shouts, but my heart retreats into itself, still trying to hold onto a life, a dream that is no more. I worry that I will never move on...I know dramatic drama queen that I am....I know that I will get there, I know that eventually I will be ok, that eventually I will have my life back, a better one......I just hope it doesn't take me too long...

Table for six

Just getting ready to head off for my first dinner date with table for six. It is like a singles dinner club. 3 guys and 3 girls. I will be dining at a french restaurant at milton.
Why I am I doing this some may ask?
I just want to get out and be doing things on the weeks that I don't have my kids. I want to meet some new people and have a good time. I want to regain some of the self confidence that I have lost. I want to sieze the day!!
So I have showered and I am ready to see where this new experience takes me.
It is nice to look forward to something again.
On a different note I hit the night life at the Caboolture RSL last eve and Oh my!! It is very different to what it used to be. It is more a night club type arrangement.
Lovely to mix with the Caboolture people once again. (sarcasm if you wearn't sure) I was very surprised to realise the large gay population in the area. Maybe I am just more attuned to seeing what is around me these days as I cannot recall seeing too many lesbians when I used to hit the Morayfield Tavern and RSL when I was 18.
Anyway I will be off and give you all the lowdown on the morrow!!
Cheers.

The Fight Begins

I am in a place that I had hoped I would never be...
Michael is removing both the children from their respective childcare positions and relocating them elsewhere. I will not be told where.
His belief is that I should not have access to the children on his week unless he gives permission and approval. I informed him that he could not stop me.
So here I sit. Lost, alone, broken??? Yes and no. I know in my heart, right dowm deep that everything that I have done and am doing is for my children. I visit them to say hi and give them a hug. I read to them and play. I reassure them that even though they are not with me,that I love them.
What is honestly so bad with that? Why is he so determined for me not to see them? Blayne asks me to come and see him. We read a book and sometimes I bring some afternoon tea. Is this the work of a shallow, selfish, underhand and nasty person? Apparently he believes so. I want to kick and scream and hit out at everything. I want to hold my babies and never let them go. How do I not see them and talk to them and hold them and love them for 7 days at a time?
I guess he sees this as my punishment.
But haven't I been punished enough??? I feel like I have been punished for quite a while now. I do not want to slip back into the self doubt and the belief that the world is just too hard. I know I need to fight and I will, for my children and for me. I just don't feel it at the moment. I will tomorrow.
But tonight I just want to curl up and scream and scream and scream to the powers that be. I want to cry and pour my heart out. I want to hold my kids and never let them go. I want to pierce the night with my voice sying that I have had enough.
Enough is enough....enough is enough...

The Hard Road Begins

Lots of messages between Michael and I today. I informed him of my mediation appointment (as per the suggestion of the mediator)I let him know that they would contact him. What do you think was his response?
I also was shocked to know that he refuses to attend any mediation that is not court ordered. I know you also are surprised by this. Michael is not one to be so difficult.
So here I sit knowing that the shit will begin. He has let me know that he willmake sure the journey is slow and expensive. He gave me a choice to agree with him and do what he wants or he will drag it out.He obviously hasn't had any true legal advice...I guess the internet hasn't provided him with the information that he wants.
He continues to use my visits with my children on his weeks as his ammunition to try and manipulate the situation. Both the mediator and the solicitor said he could not do this. He always thinks he is right.
So I guess I need to prepare myself for a messy time. He does not seem to have anyone around him that is helping him to see anythng from somebody elses point of
view. No surprise really.

It just makes me really sad......

Mediation

I went for my first mediation appointment today at the Family Relationship Centre at Strathpine. You know it is amazing the emotions you go through. I had not sent any more messages to Michael after his last message about me respecting his new relationship, and was feeling in control. I still feel in control but he just plays with my head.
I spoke to the bank the other day and found out that he hasn't payed the mortgage since January. He hadn't told me and now it is in doubt if I will be able to get a loan on my own in the near future. I was so cranky. I got on the phone and sent off a terse text that requested his call as soon as possible. I then realised that he of course wouldn't ring me regardless. He is gutless especially when he has been caught out to have done the wrong thing. So I told him what I expected him to do. No emotion, no crap. He did, and then suddenly I have friendly e-mails, chatty e-mails, e-mails that would appear to indicate that everything is well in the land of separation. I have continued to stay strong and not try and be sucked back into the cycle. I will no longer allow him to make me feel like the pathetic individual that he evokes in me.
So I went for my appointment, I have put the process in place, I have tried the nice nice and now I cannot do it anymore. I must stay strong and put the needs of my children first. This is about them. This is about their continued well being.
I don't think that he will take it well. I don't think he will believe that this is for the best.
So I sit here on the precipice (I know Suzy wrong spelling) It will go one of 2 ways. He will agree to the process and we may be able to get to a place that will work for us all, or he will ark up and go in head first. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
Come what may........

New start???? (Let's hope so)

Well I do believe that something has pinged in me this week past. I rang Michael on Monday and asked if we could meet. I did say that I was having a tough time emotionally with everything at the moment. I specifically said that we needed to talk about all the shit, the animosity, the e-mails the crap. I said that I didn't want to have to involve solicitors etc and that we needed to be able to wotk together for the kids. He agreed and said that he would drop over and discuss these things with me. I got off the phone feeling really good, like I had achieved something. Hoping that finally we would be able to nut out the issues.
That night I received an e-mail stating that I was not to call him and only e-mails would be accepted. I was devestated. He had done it to me again. Just when I thought we were going to get somewhere he changed the goal posts once again.
The next night, after I did not respond to his message I received another charmer saying..and I quote

"I am with Anneleis now, and I don't think you're taking that relationship seriously. As you can imagine, I share everything with her, including communication I've had with you during the day. I don't want her to think that you are forcing yourself on me and disregarding her, when I have chosen to be with her."

I just wanted to talk things out and he seems to think I am throwing myself at him.

Who the hell does he think he is? I give up. I totally do. I have tried the nice way, I have tried to put everything aside to try and do what is best for my children. I have humbled myself over and over again to try and right the wrongs. I have felt guilt on top of guilt. But enough is enough.
I have my first mediation appointment on Tuesday. I will no longer lower myself and try to talk things through. He can *#ck off!!

I have not cried for nearly a week. I have not wanted or needed to talk to him. I did not respond to his messages.
I really feel like I am emerging from the darkness. I feel like I am starting to believe that I am worth more and what I had with Michael was working because I MADE IT WORK!! I do not need to make it work now. I need to focus on me, on what my needs are. What I want.

Finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Finally I am standing up and shouting. Finally I am looking after me!!

Tears

Went to see the new Sandra Bullock movie, the one she won the academy award for. No surprises to know that I cried. A story about a wonderful person who changes the life of a homeless boy. It showed a very loving husband and wife and of course it broke my heart.
Why? I feel ripped off. I miss being in a relationship. I miss being with that someone who "has got your back". I look back and while I know that Michael loved me, he didn't really have my back. He didn't do emotion and whether that stemmed from his shitty childhood or not, he wasn't emotionally there for me.
So I cry for a marriage that has run its course and I cry for my kids who I hope don't grow up the same way, and I cry for me who sits here alone with everything to give, but who looks around to an empty space.
So anyway the movie was great. Very inspiring.
Good night all.

A good step forward

I was wasting time in Target today, (some say it is the only store I go to)but I was there looking around when I happened upon a beautiful little scrapbook with 2 little owls. Now I know Deb loves owls, but I also, have had a liking for cute little owls for some time. Suddenly I was hit with inspiration.
I have decided to make myself a "My life is worthwhile" journal. In it I will scrapbook all the things that I love, like or am grateful for. That way, when I am having one of my low points, I will get it out and remind myself why I shouldn't keep thinking of ways to walk away from my life and end it all.
I really think it was fate as many months ago I had bought a paper block and embellishments that are the same turquoise colour with owls. I have found it very difficult to even think about doing anything scrapbooky, as my scrapbooks have always been about my families journey. I just can't go there at the moment. It is too painful and raw. Maybe this way, this project may help me find my mojo once again. I hope so.
P.S. Suzy keeps commenting on my posts, and while I love her supportive and inspirational comments, I have had enough of the comments about my spelling. So Suzy, I am sure that I have once again misspelled many words, I do not have auto check, I do not have a dictionary, and my stupid computer seems to have spasms at random times while I type, putting words hither and there. So please excuse the mistakes, I am sure once my blog is published in book form, that the editor will fix ip up. Cheers

This One's for Dani!!

I know that it has been a little while since I last blogged,how do I know this? Well Dani only tells me every time she sees me that she checks my blog each night and is dissapointed because once again I have failed to discuss my terribly pathetic life for all and sundry to share. Dissapointed someone again. Not a new emotion for me to inflict on others, but one I thought I would rectify tonight.
So here I am, about a month away from Michael applying for a divorce. How do i feel? Well I have had some very difficult days and weeks. He seems to be able to push all my buttons to make me truly believe that everything was my fault and continues to be my fault. He knows how to make me feel like I am a failure at everything.
I have decided to stop giving him the power over me. I have to stop taking everything on board. It wasn't all my fault. I have to give him half of the blame. I have to accept that I made mistakes and forgive me. Am I worth forgiving? I am trying to believe that I am.
So I make another sweeping statement of moving on and looking forward and not back. I wonder how long I will last this time?????

Me

Have had questions of why haven't I blogged for nearly a week?
Well, sometimes I feel like I just keep going over and over the same shite!! It does my head in so I think who really wants to continually read the same sad stuff?
I am trying really hard but on the weeks that I do not have my children, I struggle. I struggle to feel like a worthwhile person. I am a mother - with no children.
That is how I feel. At the beginning of sharing the children I didn't feel it. Why? I was numb. I guess I needed such an emotional break, that I didn't experience the pain and the loss and the heartbreak. I guess I also believed that it was temporary. I did think we would get back together. But now...to accept that this is my life. That this is the way it is and the way it is going to be......destroys my soul.
I think about those babies in my womb, in my arms, in my heart and I am lost.
So I sit here alone. I sit here trying to understand where I go from here. What do I do? How do I go on?
I do not have the answers, I will just have to continue to sit and think and dwell and live..
One day,apparently I won't have to feel this lost. I have been told by so many well meaning people that I will be fine. Things happen for a reason. There is something better out there for me.
But what if everything doesn't happen for a reason? What if we only get one chance and if you blow it, you lose. What if I have already had my chance? What if I have already lost?

Tough Love

Thankyou to my amazing friend Toni who helps me to make sense of my life every now and again.
I am struggling at the moment with accepting the position I am currently in. I have lots of regrets about the choices I have made, and I find it difficult to get past them. I am able to look back and see that I was not able to make different decisions at the time. I see that I ran away from all the pressure that I felt under, and I see that emotionally I was giving to everyone but myself.
Knowing this in hindsight doesn't make it better, at times it makes it worse. I see the path I took and I cry for the chance to go back and make better ones. I may still be in the same place now, but maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much.
I know I have to let go and forgive that Katrina. I have to forgive her for what she had to do and forgive her for not being the perfect individual I wanted her to be. I have to forgive her for falling down, forgive her for not being the continual rock to all, and forgive her for having to survive the way she did.
I don't think I will ever get over the breakdown of my marriage, I will never forget the pain and heartbreak. I know that some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess i struggle to see the clarity of it now. In time I will (I hope) but for now it is very hard to think about it all. It is very hard to be without my kids. It is very hard to be me. (what a whinger??)

Powerless

It is not a good feeling to feel like you have no control over things that are happening. Michael believes his need to move Sierra to another childcare centre are the only ones he cares about. Because we haven't got anything in writing and we share the children he is able to do this. He is moving her on Monday to a different centre. I tried to circumvent it. I tried to ask him to hold off. But no...it is the way he wants things or nothing. My feelings do not matter. His are far more important than anything I could possibly have. He refuses to go to mediation as it is voluntary and he will not attend. Fabulous man I loved for so long.
I feel broken.I want to scream and break something, but nothing will make these feelings go away.

Once a bully, always a bully?

At times I sit back and look at the difficult points in my life now...most of course revolve around Michael and his treatment of me. At times I feel overwhelmed with where I am. At times I do not feel like I can put one foot in front of the other one. It is just TOO hard.
Of course I have to keep going. Of course it will all work out in the end, but living through it each and every day, having to be the person inside it, feeling it, is so difficult.
He made me cry again today. He makes me doubt myself. He makes me feel like everything is my fault. He makes me feel powerless and worthless. I do not want to give him this power over me. I do not want him to think that he can dictate the course of the decisions we will make for our children.
I have no choice but to seek help outside of him and I. I didn't want to. I don't enjoy spending money on people to help us agree on things. I have refrained. I have chosen to try and to believe and give the benefit of the doubt. But I can no longer do this. He is not someone who can be reasonable to me. He still holds me as responsible for what happened between us. He did at one time accept equal responsibility of what occurred, but now??? Of course it is all me.
I feel the weight of this on my shoulders. I feel suffocated at times by where I am and what has happened. I feel surounded by the choices I have made and the repercousions of them. I just go round and round and round. I am stuck on a merry-go-round and at times it stops and I get a fleeting glimpse of getting off, but then it starts up again and I haven't been able to move more than a few steps.
I am sure those of you who read this will get that feeling too. You feel quite pleased with the progress that I have made and I get lots of positive posts of how well I am doing.....then I write a post like this tonight, and the progress that seemed to have occurred, is cast aside and forgotten.
I do not want to be on this merry-go-round. Iwant to hop off. I guess that this will not happen till I stop allowing him to have this power over me. I will not get off until I can find a place in my own self that is far away from his words, his actions and the hurt he can so easily inflict.
So I continue to walk my walk and feel my feel and cry my cry.....

Happy Birthday Blayne

Yes it is finally my boys birthday. He turns 7 today. 7 Years ago I was preparing to be induced to finally have my first child.
Time has flown so fast, and things have changed so much.
I sit here at times devestated, at times positive and at times numb.I never imagined my life would be like this. Such animosity between Michael and I, living alone, being a Numeracy coach(?), being gay(?), looking to buy a house on my own.... so many things that even a year ago I couln't have believed.
I am however grateful for many things in the past year, the love and support of my family and friends, the fact that I have survived the hardest and most difficult periods of my life. The fact that I am standing on my own 2 feet. The fact that I do not have to worry about loosing my kids (he has sworn to me that he will always share custody...lets hope he can be a man of his word).
So today I remember holding my baby boy in my arms for the first time. I remember snapshots of him crawling and laughing and walking and crying. I remember the difficult times but they are overshadowed by the good times. Times where I thought my heart would burst with the love and joy of being a mum. I remember him loosing his first tooth, his first day of school. The day he could actually read and the days that seemed to dissapear and take my baby away and leave a boy. A boy growing too fast, a boy having to cope with things that I never thought he would have to.
I say sorry to my son today for where we are now, but I say I love you and that I will always put you and your sister first in all that I do.
I would also like to thank a very special friend for meeting me in the middle. Making mistakes within friendships is devestating, being able to repair them can at times seem overwhelming. I thank Melissa today for helping me to start on the road of repair. I appreciate her kindness and her obvious love.

Difficult times

I guess when you first have a break up you can not possibly believe that the person you loved most in the world would become your enemy. It is unimaginable that that most special person would think nothing of trying to hurt you emotionally whenever they can.
Michael and I are not in a good place right now. I do not understand why it is this way but it is. I am but a pebble in his shoe. I guess I sort of get it...I mean I hurt him, I left, but he reassurred me we would remain friends and that we would always put our children first.
If he is so in love, and so happy and so committed to her then why does he have to treat me so badly?
Lots of people say that this happens, but I really did not believe that this would happen to us. Dream world? Maybe....
But what do I do? I didn't push the house or the contents thing. It is just stuff and money and I was not going to get into that. I gave in to the no phone calls from the children each night that they are away from me. I was seeing them in the morning most days so that was ok. But now, now it is about the children. Now it is about their wellbeing and welfare and I will not back down.
I have always given in to most things. Why? Well when they were not realy important I never felt the need to push. I wanted him to be happy so I always agreed on him buying the things he wanted. He got to go on rides and spent lots of time on his bike and computers. It was never an issue. I gave and gave out of love.
So is it now that I pay for being a giver? Does he now think that I will just do his bidding and bend to the pressure? Am I seen by him to be such a pathetic creature that he feels nothing about trying to manipulate and walk all over me?
The last thing I want is to have a messy time with everything. In the end nobody wins. But I cannot be the one who gives in all the time. I cannot be the one who is expected to just accept his bidding. Not when it is about my children and their welfare.
The rose coloured glasses are really off.

Being a mother

I have been thinking a lot today about my kids. I mean I think about them all the time, but it is coming up to Blayne's 7th birthday and I have been reminiscing.
I aways new that I wanted to be a mum. I was always scared that it might never happen, so that pessimistic side always thought about the alternatives, maybe that can be classed as my optimistic?? Who knows?
I have always tried to look at all the ways things might turn out. Why? Maybe because I don't like surprises. I guess it is related to me always reading the last chapter in a book. I need to know what everything would be like. I use to play the "What if?" game with Michael all the time. What if we had an accident? What if we couldn't have children? What if? What if? What if?
I use to sit on the back of the motorbike and visualise us having an accident - I would fly off the bike, hit a tree, be lying on the ground in a particular position and would think about how I might feel, what would happen, how would my family react? Strange I know, but now I have a bit more of an insight......I don't like to not now what will happen.
Getting pregnant with Blayne was a surprise. Didn't see it coming!! But what a surprise. Apart form the constant sickness, tiredness and swelling I loved being pregnant, oh not to mention the nose bleeds, stretch marks, enlargement of my feet, carpul tunnel and stretching pains, I loved being pregnant.
I felt quite removed from Blayne when he was born. I thought that I would feel this instant attachment. I thought I would cry and love this little thing so much that I would be overwhelmed......but I wasn't. I actually didn't feel anything. I mean I wanted to make sure he was ok, but love? attachment? No I didn't.
It wasn't until about 5 days later when we got home that I felt attached to him. I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want to admit that I was this mother who didn't love her child. What would people think?
But of course I did fall in love with my beautiful baby boy. I never thought I could possibly love anyone else as much as I loved him. I guess we all feel that way about having another child. How could I possibly love my second baby as much as the first? Would I have enough love? We all know the answer to that now. It is amazing how much love we can have to give.
So I sit here thinking of my darling children and my hopes for their future. I worry that what I have been through in the last year will negatively impact on them now and in their future lives. I worry that I have damaged them. Will they forgive me for the choices I have made? Will they understand? Or will they judge me? Will they grow up to blame me for our broken family and the situation I put them in?
I am very scared about these things.
I always have put my children first in all things that I do, apart from leaving Michael. I was not able to stay and work it out. I was not able to find myself at home. I did not understand the forces that were upon me, and for that I will forever be regretful. I am truely sad for the way everything is now. I am truely sorry for the choices I had to make.But I am moving forward. I am finally starting to accept that I cannot change the past. I can only look towards my future. I am very lucky that I have only been through a marriage breakup - my children aren't fighting a terrible disease, they are not disabled, I have a good job, I have great friends, I am healthy (generally, apart from when I am seeking attention) I love my family and they love me.
I have so much to be thankful for. I have so much to look forward to. I am actually very lucky!!! (is that the old Katrina rising above the ruins? Maybe??)

My very FIRST EVER date!!!

Yes I reached a milestone in my life today...I went on my first ever date. I have never been on one before and I was very nervous. What to say? What to wear? What to do? So I just got on with it and jumped in.
I guess some people would be thinking, why am I going on a date? Aren't I with Dani? I think that some have believed that we have been together all this time, and that maybe I was not telling the whole truth about things. And really, it isn't any body's business. I know that. But this blog is for me to tell it like it is, warts and all.
I left Michael for Dani. Fact. I moved in with Dani. Fact. But what some do not know is we moved in together for convienience more than anything else. I needed a home for my children. I had tried staying at my mums but it was too difficult , I stayed at my friend's but small children and teenagers don't mix. I needed to have a place where we could relax, Dani needed a place. So we did move in together. In hindsight it was something that we should not have done. I should have moved to somewhere by myself. But I didn't have enough money and quite honestly I was scared. Scared to be by myself and without emotional support. Dani gave me that. I did not realise my true mental state at the time. I think that is why I made choices that did not reflect the real ME. My emotional self had been torn and stretched. I had always been able to cope before. I had always juggled 50 balls at one time. Surely I could do it now? Just because my dad died and I had had a heart attack shouldn't have mattered? But they did matter and I was on a rollercoaster that i could not stop.
Dani has been a tower of strength to me and me to her. I think we were drawn to each other on an unconcious level. Both of us were heading into the most difficult time of our lives.
Dani and I are friends. We do spend lots of time together. I do rely on her for a huge amount of stuff. She still listens to me cry. She never tells me to go away. I care about her very much and I can see that if we were together that we would be happy. But I am in a place where I have to find me. I have to know for sure what it is that I want in my life. I do not want to use her and then when I am finished throw her away and say sorry. So she sits and waits, she listens and helps. She supports and loves.
I am on a path to find out who I am and what I want. If I am to stand up and say that I am in a same sex relationship then I need to be sure. I use to think that it wasn't a big issue, but it is. If I have to tell my children that this is me, then I have to have no doubts.I do not want to put them through more difficulty. I do not want them to be confused or embarrassed. I want to be able to tell them that this is me and that it is ok and nothing to be ashamed of.
So I went on a date with a man. No sparks. No fireworks. No new understandings.
But I have stepped outside my comfort zone. I have stood up and tried to throw the shackles off. I have tried to move past the hurt of the past year and look forward to new things. Good or bad, I am moving forward. I am on my way. I am not going to look back.

I am trying to "Sieze the Day" and I am starting to believe that I am worth it.

A New Beginning

I had a visit from a very special friend last night. I cried (of course) we talked and talked and talked. She use to be my neighbour, and will be again soon, and she new my relationship wiht Michael well. We walked every morning and I bared my frustration with her most days.
She made me relise that I actually don't want to go back (how could I when she reminded me of all the crap?)I am just hurt that he is bending over backward for his girlfriend. I feel like if I could go back, he would do that for me.
I see Michael for who he is and I can finally try and cast off the "rose coloured glasses" that I have been using.
He has always tried to control things, I allowed it. I never truly demanded any of the things I needed from him. I asked, but not demanded. I have to learn from that. He seems to have learnt and is doing all this stuff for her. But has he truly changed? Can a lepoard change his spots? Maybe for a while but is it long term? I guess that is his journey to take.
I have to let it go. I have to kiss my future up to god. I have to resist reading the last chapter and just enjoy my life and my journey.
We only have one chance at this life. I have regrets - yes. I have made mistakes - yes. I am not perfect - yes. I am a good person - yes. I am worth having someone who loves me for me and them for them - yes. Iam good enough - yes.
So I know I will stumble and fall at times. I know it will still be hard. But finally I am ready. Finally I want to be me. I want to move forward and not live in the past. I am worthy and I deserve it.
Watch out world here I come. I wonder if I will need a change of undies??????

Tattoo!!

I forgot to say that I am about to embark on getting another tattoo. I booked it in today. I will be getting it on Wednesday. I haven't added photo's to this blog but I will make an exception when I get it done. Don't tell my mum though as she said I had to save for our cruise......

Same, same, but different.

I know it has been a while since my lost post. Many reasons for this, but will not bore you with the details. Needless to say I am here now....
My emotions as I said above have been the same but different. Just when I think I am getting on top of it all I come crashing down once again. I didn't succeed in not crying today, and yesterday and pretty mush most of the days before that.
My tear ducts seem to have their own planet at the moment. The poor planet is having constant rain and floods. One day they may be able to stop living in ark's, but alas, not at the moment.
I guess the reason for my current monsoon is another landmark in the journey...Michael is moving in with his girlfriend. This has brought up lots of emotion for me. I still yearn to fix my marriage, my relationship, but there truly is no relationship to fix. It is all gone. He sent me a message about 2 weeks ago...which basically set out how he saw our aqaintance continuing. I am not to ring him unless it is a child related emergency, I am only to text or e-mail any messages and any calls apart from urgent ones, will not be tolerated. I am an intrusion into his life. He continued to tell me how committed they were to each other and how he didn't enter into this relationship until he knew he was totally over any feelings he had for me. He will be applying for a divorce as soon as he possibly can and the house he fought tooth and nail to have, the house he threatened to fight me for, is mine if I want it. She didn't want to live there so he just changed his mind.
He wants me to go through his list of assets and when I don't agree he treats me less than he would treat a stranger.
Basically I can no longer invest my emotional self into this. I am still struggling and I cannot put myself through the hurt every night.
I do not understand why I am not worth him to even sit down with me to go through it all. He can't possibly find the time to help finalise 16 years of memories and life. Nice to know that I am not worth it. So I give up. He can have it all, whatever he wants for whatever he likes. I can't do it. I can't fight him. I just can't.
So I have to move on, but how? I still do not know.

Self Esteem

Why is my self esteem so low? It is a question I ask myself and I genuinely can't answer it.
To people looking in at me I seem self assurred, sarcastic, in control and confident. But within myself I am none of those things. I am here tonight feeling like a fraud and a phoney. I am just waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and say, we know you are pretending.
I had to run my first full day pd session on Friday. I was terrified. But it all came together and I had some really great comments. But when I look through them I focus on the negatives. Why?
Why do I feel the constant need to de-value myself? Why do I never feel good enough? I never feel personally attractive or worthwhile, and never believe the good things people say. I am always the first to put myself down.
I think I do it to protect me. If I am the first to say it, if I don't expect anything better, then I can't be dissapointed. No one will be able to hurt me if I do it first.
I know I have to stop. I know I have to feel worth it. I know I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. But how do I reverse a lifetime of self doubt? How do I start to believe?
A very good friend of mine says that I am so terrified with my life at the moment because I don't know the end. (I will always read the last chapter of a book first..never really thought about why..just needed to know so I didn't get too concerned or something)So here I sit not being able to read the end. I don't know what is going to happen, how it will pan out....who the hero saves in the end. I guess that again is the journey that I am on. I don't have to know the end. I don't have to have all the information. I just have to have aptience and faith that I am a good person and I will get by. I have to start believing that i am worth it and I have to stop the negative thoughts.
Gee, lucky me, another goal.........

Hurt

No matter how hard I try to just accept the things that are happening around me, I cannot at times stop the hurt and anger.
Saw Michael and his 'family' off to go for a drive today. How lovely......but we rarely did this. He was always having to fix his bike or someones computer. But now he is off every weekend doing family things like going bike riding, the beach, parks and walks.
Yes I am angry, yes I am jealous and yes I am hurt. Why was I never good enough for him to take the time to do things with us? Why can he now spend every weekend doing all the things I would have loved to do?
He would say, as he has said, that he has learn't from his mistakes. When I expressed my heartache at how he went and bought $100 worth of candles, (as he had never thought it necessary to do so for me) he said that he had learnt that he has to make sure that the person he loves knows their special each and eveyday. Lucky him. I guess I was never important enough for him to ever make changes for me. It was never important for me to be romanced, but good on him for learning that lesson.
Yes I am bitter, I don't want to be. I don't want to continue to feel worthless. Because that is how I feel. I wasn't worth his effort or his time. He said all the little things I wanted, candles, time together, dinners, he said they didn't matter. But now he sees they do and he is making sure he looks after her.
I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks. My head says get the **** up and take hold of my life, but my heart is in little pieces that at times seem to be coming back together, but at other times like now, the pieces are so scattered that I cannot find them. I fear that I will never find them, I fear that my heart will always be missing some pieces and that I will never be whole.

Friends!!

I visited a dear old friend of mine today, one I re-connected with via facebook. We were best friends for many years through primary school until she moved away in grade 8.
It has made me wonder about the nature of friendship. Isn't it funny how there are some people who come into your life, and you think you will be friends with them for life. You couldn't imagine a time when they wouldn't be there beside you. But there does come a time when they aren't there beside you, and while you notice their absence, it isn't the catastophic disaster you thought it would be.
I have friends who I don't see everyday, but who don't keep score about who rang last and how long it has been. Those friends who when you do finally see them again, just start where you had left off like you had seen them yesterday.
This journey I am on, the train I cannot get off of, has shown me the true nature of friendship. I did cut myself off from those who meant the most to me. My head was so full, that to explain to each and everyone of them everyday how I was, was just too much. I didn't mean to distance myself, it was just the only way I could cope. Talking to too many people, regardless of how they care for you and just want to make sure you are ok, was too difficult.
I retreated into myself. At the time I didn't understand what I was going through, I didn't know what the path I was on was leading me to. I just needed time for me. I needed quiet, I needed space and I needed to sift through what was left of me, to try and find what was left. I had to start from scratch and seek out what was going on and why.
Unfortunately, as everyone does, I made mistakes. I did things the wrong way. I could see the choices that I should have made, but I honestly felt powerless to do them. It was like I was outside of myself looking in.
Sadly the time that it took for me to find me, to understand what had happened, to lift myself above the numdness, wastoo long for Michael. He had moved on. He had sought out someone else and had fallen in love almost immediately.
I continue to dwell on this fact. I continue to blame myself. Michael says that he waited as long as he could. He loved me so much that the choices I made, broke him and his love for me. 5 months and someone who loved me more than life itself (surposedly), had not only stopped loving me but moved on totally. A man who said that he would never be with anyone else, had not only started dating but had thrown himself into a full-on realtionship.
I am not using this forum to bad mouth Michael. I truly am not. But I can't move on at the moment as these thoughts keep circling round and round my head. How could he move on so quickly? Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't he fight for me? Why couldn't he meet me in the middle? Why did I have to jump through all the hoops just to find that he had realised that he didn't love me anymore?
Here I sit, 9 months after I officially moved out, and I still love him. I still have hope in my heart and I would go back. I do feel pathetic, I do feel worthless, I do feel lost......
I truly believed that we were going to get back together, I truly believed that we could have made it work, I truly believe that it would have been worthwhile.
Each day I sit and try to put myself first, try to heal my broken heart, spirit and soul, try to believe that I am worth more than what I was getting, and try to stop looking in the past. I must look to my future, the future that I am worthy of, that I deserve. A future that is yet to happen, but one that will be worth all the pain, heartache and grief. I just have to believe it.

My Dad

Well it finally came, the first year anniversary of my dad's death.
His death has really shaped my life in the last year. I don't think that I truly delt with it when it happened. On refelection I can see that it had a huge impact on the choices that I made in my life and my marriage.
I was always my dads 'pumpkin'. We were always very close and shared one of those bonds that are so very special between father and daughter. He was my hero, my king and my best friend. He was strong and bigger than life, he seemed invincable.
I rarely remember him being sick. There was nothing he couldn't do. Ask him to fix something, and he would work out a way to do it. (his use of duct tape is that of legends)
The first time I realised that my dad was sick was at my wedding. He was living in Townsville and had been in hospital, but I had experienced that through a phone. It didn't seem real, and anyway, he was bigger than life to me so there was no way he was really sick.
At my wedding dad seemed his usual self, dancing and laughing and having a good time. It wasn't until I watched the video that there was a moment that he came off the dance floor and sat down. He seemed to wilt and took deep breaths. He saw the camera and recovered, but that was the moment that dad became human.
Dad was diagnosed with cardio myopothy. Apparently people who get this often die or need heart transplants. Dad however just got on with life. He slowed but work was everything to him and he had such a sense of his role as a husband and provider, that he had to get up every morning and get to it.
Once dad's heart was affected, (he believes it came from being electrocuted by a vending machine a few years before) his kidney disease started to rear its ugly head.
Slowly but surely dad's health declined in many ways, shapes and forms. But still, I always believed that he would be fine and probably outlive all of us.
When I sat down and wrote dad's ulogy, I realised how much I didn't kow about the man he was. I knew him as my wonderful father, but who was he really? What were the things he valued in his youth? I found out that he had always wanted to be a teacher, but duty to a widowed mother came first.
His decline, and the way in which he died still haunts me. I was there the moment he took his last breath. My hand was on his chest feeling the last beat of his heart and my hands held him as his body said goodbye to this world. He was not alone, he was surrounded by those who loved him the most, and for that I am truly thankful. I guess my experience of my heart attack 6 months before he died, gave me insight as to what he needed in those final moments.
Being emotionally available to those we love is something that shouldn't be a request. We should know in the depths of our soul, that to love fully, is to be there in all times, happy and sad, hard and amazing. I was not going to let my dad pass from one plane to another, alone.
We all have regrets in our lives, some more than others, some harder to accept than others, but they are there. I struggle everyday with the consequences of my life and choices. Have I made mistakes that are so big and devestating that I will never be able to accept and move on? Or are they mistakes that will help lead me on a better path, a more fullfilling path, a path that will help heal my spiritual soul and help me love myself once again.
To my dad, who I miss each and every day, and who I thank for just being him, I love you, I miss you and I will never forget you.
I wrote a poem for my dads funeral which I have included below. I was truly inspired when I wrote it and am grateful to have been able to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

Dad
I love you for every little thing you taught me
I love you for your warmth and cheeky smile
I love you for all the scrapes you cared for
And I love you for every driven mile.

I love you for all the kind words you gave me
I love you for all the lessons I had to learn
I love you for every step you walked beside me
I love you for making Robert give me a turn.

I love you for every book that you read me
I love you for every moment we shared
I love you for the times we spent talking
I love you because I always knew you cared.

I love you for all of your laughter
I love you for your sense of right
I love you for loving my children
And I love you for the hugs every night.

I love you for helping when I was in need
I love you for never saying no
I love you for helping me to grow up
And with everything, I wish you didn’t have to go.

I love you for being my dad
I love you for being my friend
I love you for all the advice you’ve given
My love for you will never end.

So now my darling daddy, I send you a goodbye kiss
And a loving sweet embrace
I will always remember you my dad
And the beautiful smile on your face.

To all of you who are beside me on this journey, thankyou.

My Mortality

I have been thinking a lot about my mortaliy again recently. (Just lucky I guess)
When we are young we feel like our lives are so far in front of us that we believe that we are invincable. It is not until you have children and experience life's hardships that you start to think about not being there to see them grow and become adults. I know that I had thought about death a lot in my teenage years as I had lost many members of my family close together.
Thoughts of death go to the back of your mind and you get on with life, but for me it came back when I had my heart attack.
I truly believe that this is where my current journey began.
I thought the chest pain was because I had just spent $1000.00 on Enjo cleaning products, but as it continued to get worse I was privately concerned. Michael, the kids and I got in the car. I thought that maybe I was having a gall bladder attack (because it was another one of my varied health issues). I was not prepared for what was to come next.
I walked into emergency got to the counter and then collasped. They rushed me in. (note to those who want to be seen quickly - chest pain!!) It then became a flurry as I was rushed into the resusitation room.
It is the most terrifying experience to see doctors rushing around you with that perplexed look on their face and huddled together. I looked up at my husband and 2 small children standing just away from me and I was panicked. I was not ready to go. I was not ready to leave them. My life didn't flash before my eyes but I experienced a pain in my soul that was devestating. How could I leave my babies? If there was a god, why would he be taking me away?
The worst moment was when I had the tablet under my tongue...I had a feeling that started at the tips of my toes and travelled all the way up my body. This was the moment that I truly believed was my time to go. I looked at my kids and I ached with the loss. I thought about not being able to say goodbye to everyone. I thought of them growing up without their mother, I thought of my dirty clothes at home and the mess that others would have to clean up. (silly I know) and I thought about all the things I had done wrong with my body. (Chocolate, fatty foods etc)
Why me?I am sure that no matter what difficult experiences come to us, we all at some point ask this question; why?
It is one I ponder now. Why did that happen to me? Why did I have to go through that? I am grateful that I got through it and I am perfectly healthynow, but why me? What lesson did I have to learn? What was the reason? Is there a higher agenda somewhere?
So many issues came from this experience, so I will leave them for another time; however I have often thought of the path that I have taken since then and wonder why?
I guess that is the journey I am now on. This is the truth and the reality that I now seek. This is the me that I am searching to know, and the me that I need to love, accept and forgive.

What is Brave?

Thankyou to so many of you who are supporting me through this blog. I have had lovely comments. The general comment is 'Boy you are brave'.
But what is bravery? I do not see that what I am doing is brave. Why is it deemed brave to share your feelings and the truth of what is happening? Why are we so scared to allow good people into our innermost selves?
Well obviously I am not as the last post showed. Bravery and courage is something I guess we would never see ourselves as having, it comes from what others see. I know that my cousin Diane was brave. She was 25 and diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. Everday people would ask her how she was and her reply would be positive and she would say"today was a good day" Regardless of weather it was or not. She was also brave to find out that she was 5 months pregnant while on her treatment and chose to go off all medications to give her baby a chance. She became blind and paralysed as the tumor pressed on those areas. She had her baby at 7 months, and died 2 weeks later. She was brave.
I however am just trying to find a place where I can put my grief and turmoil into words. I need to write it down so I can try to free up some of my head and heart space.
I didn't achieve my goal of not crying today. I cried when I read Kerri's message. Thankyou Kerri!! I also cried when I messaged Michael about custody. I don't know what I believe about psychics and all that but I went to one recently and so did Dani. Both times this topic came up with the comments about Michael going for custody of my kids and that if he won I would never see my kids again. I like to think that I know the man I lived with for 16 years and that he wouldn't do that but I guess people change. I needed his reassurance about this. He has given it but it is definately something that terrifies me.
Anyway as my beautiful friend Toni would say... "Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet" So I will try not to and just get on with it.
Maybe tomorrow I won't cry.......stranger things have happened I'm sure.

Crying in the Gym

Don't be scared that I am already adding another post...honeymoon phase and all. But I wanted to share my experience at the gym.
I was doing a Combat class. Putting my all into it and I had tears streaming down my face. I imagined Michael's face and I was just going for it. Obviously letting out some stress. I mean I do not blame Michael, I just feel like I have no control of my life. I wasn't given another chance to try and fix the things that went wrong. I really believed that we would get back together and it would have been better. I guess I just wanted to have the chance.
I do accept responsibility for the decisions that I made. I am 35 and have already had my midlife crisis. I would say that I am more myself now than I have been for a very long time.
My close friends would know that I had always had a leg on the other side of the sexual fence. I admit to having been curious about the other side. I guess when I ran away from my life, I couldn't have run further away than the same sex.
But why do we need to be defined by our sexual preferences? Why are there labels? Who am I? I still don't really know. I am not gay and I am not straight. Do I need to be classified as bi-sexual? And if so why? Aren't we all just looking for that one person who will love us above all others and stand by us through all of life's ups and downs?
That is what I am looking for-my other self. While I do have a spark of hope for my marriage(futile and ridiculous that it is) I know that I felt really let down about many things. I did not stand up for what I really needed, but then was it my job to ask? Should I have had to ask my husband to stay by my side in critical care? He says so.
My job now is to start to feel comfortable in my own skin again. To accept that I don't need a lable to define me, that I do not have to have the answers to that at the moment, and that I deserve to have a partner stand beside me who doesn't need to be asked to care for me in my most difficult times.
So I look forward to crying at the gym again. I won't be embarrassed, I will embrace it as a healing and a purging and a new beginning.

A new year and a new beginning!!

Well I have finally embarked on putting information into this blog. I am going to use it as a personal diary of my journey. This year is going to be very difficult and will see lots of change for me and my family.
Michael and I are no longer together and while I would love to go back in time and change some or all of the decisions that were made, I cannot.
So here I am. 35, single, scared, terrified, excited and starting the next chapter of my life.
I apologise in advance if this blog is a bit of a downer at times, as I will be very honest about my feelings and experiences. This will be a journey of healing, self discovery and hopefully at the end joy.
So how am I feeling today? Well I have been a huge procrastinator of anything work related, and I do know that this will hit me in the face tomorrow.
I am quite down as I am still struggling to accept that my marriage is over. Michael has moved on and is seemingly very happy in his new relationship. I struggle to understand how in 5 months he was over his love for me and in love with somebody he just met. I am scared to let go and feel that I have lost so much. 16 years together and 12 years of marriage is not an easy thing to let go of. I realise that I made the chaoice to leave and seek support in the arms of someone else.....but through lots of counselling I can see that I ran away from my life. I hadn't come to terms with my heart attack and the lack of support from my husband. Soon after I had to deal with my Dad's decline and my own mortatlity of having the same disease. I continued being the rock for everyone else but myself. I was numb, so leaving Michael didn't really seem real. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and found me again that I realised the enormity of the situation. Those of you who may have been with me in this time probably didn't see the turmoil as I had become good at putting on the brave face and not asking for help.
I have struggled to forgive myself andaccept where I am. I have to admit that I considered suicide, but my dad would have given anything to continue his journey in this world and I could never disrespect his memory by doing that. I also have 2 amazing children that need their mum. So I continue to go to bed every night and wake up every morning and hope that today I will not cry, that I will think myself worthy and that my life will get better.
So come with me on my journey and lets see where it takes me....