Sunday, January 24, 2010


I visited a dear old friend of mine today, one I re-connected with via facebook. We were best friends for many years through primary school until she moved away in grade 8.
It has made me wonder about the nature of friendship. Isn't it funny how there are some people who come into your life, and you think you will be friends with them for life. You couldn't imagine a time when they wouldn't be there beside you. But there does come a time when they aren't there beside you, and while you notice their absence, it isn't the catastophic disaster you thought it would be.
I have friends who I don't see everyday, but who don't keep score about who rang last and how long it has been. Those friends who when you do finally see them again, just start where you had left off like you had seen them yesterday.
This journey I am on, the train I cannot get off of, has shown me the true nature of friendship. I did cut myself off from those who meant the most to me. My head was so full, that to explain to each and everyone of them everyday how I was, was just too much. I didn't mean to distance myself, it was just the only way I could cope. Talking to too many people, regardless of how they care for you and just want to make sure you are ok, was too difficult.
I retreated into myself. At the time I didn't understand what I was going through, I didn't know what the path I was on was leading me to. I just needed time for me. I needed quiet, I needed space and I needed to sift through what was left of me, to try and find what was left. I had to start from scratch and seek out what was going on and why.
Unfortunately, as everyone does, I made mistakes. I did things the wrong way. I could see the choices that I should have made, but I honestly felt powerless to do them. It was like I was outside of myself looking in.
Sadly the time that it took for me to find me, to understand what had happened, to lift myself above the numdness, wastoo long for Michael. He had moved on. He had sought out someone else and had fallen in love almost immediately.
I continue to dwell on this fact. I continue to blame myself. Michael says that he waited as long as he could. He loved me so much that the choices I made, broke him and his love for me. 5 months and someone who loved me more than life itself (surposedly), had not only stopped loving me but moved on totally. A man who said that he would never be with anyone else, had not only started dating but had thrown himself into a full-on realtionship.
I am not using this forum to bad mouth Michael. I truly am not. But I can't move on at the moment as these thoughts keep circling round and round my head. How could he move on so quickly? Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't he fight for me? Why couldn't he meet me in the middle? Why did I have to jump through all the hoops just to find that he had realised that he didn't love me anymore?
Here I sit, 9 months after I officially moved out, and I still love him. I still have hope in my heart and I would go back. I do feel pathetic, I do feel worthless, I do feel lost......
I truly believed that we were going to get back together, I truly believed that we could have made it work, I truly believe that it would have been worthwhile.
Each day I sit and try to put myself first, try to heal my broken heart, spirit and soul, try to believe that I am worth more than what I was getting, and try to stop looking in the past. I must look to my future, the future that I am worthy of, that I deserve. A future that is yet to happen, but one that will be worth all the pain, heartache and grief. I just have to believe it.

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