Sunday, February 28, 2010

Tough Love

Thankyou to my amazing friend Toni who helps me to make sense of my life every now and again.
I am struggling at the moment with accepting the position I am currently in. I have lots of regrets about the choices I have made, and I find it difficult to get past them. I am able to look back and see that I was not able to make different decisions at the time. I see that I ran away from all the pressure that I felt under, and I see that emotionally I was giving to everyone but myself.
Knowing this in hindsight doesn't make it better, at times it makes it worse. I see the path I took and I cry for the chance to go back and make better ones. I may still be in the same place now, but maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much.
I know I have to let go and forgive that Katrina. I have to forgive her for what she had to do and forgive her for not being the perfect individual I wanted her to be. I have to forgive her for falling down, forgive her for not being the continual rock to all, and forgive her for having to survive the way she did.
I don't think I will ever get over the breakdown of my marriage, I will never forget the pain and heartbreak. I know that some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess i struggle to see the clarity of it now. In time I will (I hope) but for now it is very hard to think about it all. It is very hard to be without my kids. It is very hard to be me. (what a whinger??)

Thursday, February 25, 2010


It is not a good feeling to feel like you have no control over things that are happening. Michael believes his need to move Sierra to another childcare centre are the only ones he cares about. Because we haven't got anything in writing and we share the children he is able to do this. He is moving her on Monday to a different centre. I tried to circumvent it. I tried to ask him to hold off. But is the way he wants things or nothing. My feelings do not matter. His are far more important than anything I could possibly have. He refuses to go to mediation as it is voluntary and he will not attend. Fabulous man I loved for so long.
I feel broken.I want to scream and break something, but nothing will make these feelings go away.

Once a bully, always a bully?

At times I sit back and look at the difficult points in my life now...most of course revolve around Michael and his treatment of me. At times I feel overwhelmed with where I am. At times I do not feel like I can put one foot in front of the other one. It is just TOO hard.
Of course I have to keep going. Of course it will all work out in the end, but living through it each and every day, having to be the person inside it, feeling it, is so difficult.
He made me cry again today. He makes me doubt myself. He makes me feel like everything is my fault. He makes me feel powerless and worthless. I do not want to give him this power over me. I do not want him to think that he can dictate the course of the decisions we will make for our children.
I have no choice but to seek help outside of him and I. I didn't want to. I don't enjoy spending money on people to help us agree on things. I have refrained. I have chosen to try and to believe and give the benefit of the doubt. But I can no longer do this. He is not someone who can be reasonable to me. He still holds me as responsible for what happened between us. He did at one time accept equal responsibility of what occurred, but now??? Of course it is all me.
I feel the weight of this on my shoulders. I feel suffocated at times by where I am and what has happened. I feel surounded by the choices I have made and the repercousions of them. I just go round and round and round. I am stuck on a merry-go-round and at times it stops and I get a fleeting glimpse of getting off, but then it starts up again and I haven't been able to move more than a few steps.
I am sure those of you who read this will get that feeling too. You feel quite pleased with the progress that I have made and I get lots of positive posts of how well I am doing.....then I write a post like this tonight, and the progress that seemed to have occurred, is cast aside and forgotten.
I do not want to be on this merry-go-round. Iwant to hop off. I guess that this will not happen till I stop allowing him to have this power over me. I will not get off until I can find a place in my own self that is far away from his words, his actions and the hurt he can so easily inflict.
So I continue to walk my walk and feel my feel and cry my cry.....

Friday, February 19, 2010

Happy Birthday Blayne

Yes it is finally my boys birthday. He turns 7 today. 7 Years ago I was preparing to be induced to finally have my first child.
Time has flown so fast, and things have changed so much.
I sit here at times devestated, at times positive and at times numb.I never imagined my life would be like this. Such animosity between Michael and I, living alone, being a Numeracy coach(?), being gay(?), looking to buy a house on my own.... so many things that even a year ago I couln't have believed.
I am however grateful for many things in the past year, the love and support of my family and friends, the fact that I have survived the hardest and most difficult periods of my life. The fact that I am standing on my own 2 feet. The fact that I do not have to worry about loosing my kids (he has sworn to me that he will always share custody...lets hope he can be a man of his word).
So today I remember holding my baby boy in my arms for the first time. I remember snapshots of him crawling and laughing and walking and crying. I remember the difficult times but they are overshadowed by the good times. Times where I thought my heart would burst with the love and joy of being a mum. I remember him loosing his first tooth, his first day of school. The day he could actually read and the days that seemed to dissapear and take my baby away and leave a boy. A boy growing too fast, a boy having to cope with things that I never thought he would have to.
I say sorry to my son today for where we are now, but I say I love you and that I will always put you and your sister first in all that I do.
I would also like to thank a very special friend for meeting me in the middle. Making mistakes within friendships is devestating, being able to repair them can at times seem overwhelming. I thank Melissa today for helping me to start on the road of repair. I appreciate her kindness and her obvious love.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Difficult times

I guess when you first have a break up you can not possibly believe that the person you loved most in the world would become your enemy. It is unimaginable that that most special person would think nothing of trying to hurt you emotionally whenever they can.
Michael and I are not in a good place right now. I do not understand why it is this way but it is. I am but a pebble in his shoe. I guess I sort of get it...I mean I hurt him, I left, but he reassurred me we would remain friends and that we would always put our children first.
If he is so in love, and so happy and so committed to her then why does he have to treat me so badly?
Lots of people say that this happens, but I really did not believe that this would happen to us. Dream world? Maybe....
But what do I do? I didn't push the house or the contents thing. It is just stuff and money and I was not going to get into that. I gave in to the no phone calls from the children each night that they are away from me. I was seeing them in the morning most days so that was ok. But now, now it is about the children. Now it is about their wellbeing and welfare and I will not back down.
I have always given in to most things. Why? Well when they were not realy important I never felt the need to push. I wanted him to be happy so I always agreed on him buying the things he wanted. He got to go on rides and spent lots of time on his bike and computers. It was never an issue. I gave and gave out of love.
So is it now that I pay for being a giver? Does he now think that I will just do his bidding and bend to the pressure? Am I seen by him to be such a pathetic creature that he feels nothing about trying to manipulate and walk all over me?
The last thing I want is to have a messy time with everything. In the end nobody wins. But I cannot be the one who gives in all the time. I cannot be the one who is expected to just accept his bidding. Not when it is about my children and their welfare.
The rose coloured glasses are really off.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Being a mother

I have been thinking a lot today about my kids. I mean I think about them all the time, but it is coming up to Blayne's 7th birthday and I have been reminiscing.
I aways new that I wanted to be a mum. I was always scared that it might never happen, so that pessimistic side always thought about the alternatives, maybe that can be classed as my optimistic?? Who knows?
I have always tried to look at all the ways things might turn out. Why? Maybe because I don't like surprises. I guess it is related to me always reading the last chapter in a book. I need to know what everything would be like. I use to play the "What if?" game with Michael all the time. What if we had an accident? What if we couldn't have children? What if? What if? What if?
I use to sit on the back of the motorbike and visualise us having an accident - I would fly off the bike, hit a tree, be lying on the ground in a particular position and would think about how I might feel, what would happen, how would my family react? Strange I know, but now I have a bit more of an insight......I don't like to not now what will happen.
Getting pregnant with Blayne was a surprise. Didn't see it coming!! But what a surprise. Apart form the constant sickness, tiredness and swelling I loved being pregnant, oh not to mention the nose bleeds, stretch marks, enlargement of my feet, carpul tunnel and stretching pains, I loved being pregnant.
I felt quite removed from Blayne when he was born. I thought that I would feel this instant attachment. I thought I would cry and love this little thing so much that I would be overwhelmed......but I wasn't. I actually didn't feel anything. I mean I wanted to make sure he was ok, but love? attachment? No I didn't.
It wasn't until about 5 days later when we got home that I felt attached to him. I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want to admit that I was this mother who didn't love her child. What would people think?
But of course I did fall in love with my beautiful baby boy. I never thought I could possibly love anyone else as much as I loved him. I guess we all feel that way about having another child. How could I possibly love my second baby as much as the first? Would I have enough love? We all know the answer to that now. It is amazing how much love we can have to give.
So I sit here thinking of my darling children and my hopes for their future. I worry that what I have been through in the last year will negatively impact on them now and in their future lives. I worry that I have damaged them. Will they forgive me for the choices I have made? Will they understand? Or will they judge me? Will they grow up to blame me for our broken family and the situation I put them in?
I am very scared about these things.
I always have put my children first in all things that I do, apart from leaving Michael. I was not able to stay and work it out. I was not able to find myself at home. I did not understand the forces that were upon me, and for that I will forever be regretful. I am truely sad for the way everything is now. I am truely sorry for the choices I had to make.But I am moving forward. I am finally starting to accept that I cannot change the past. I can only look towards my future. I am very lucky that I have only been through a marriage breakup - my children aren't fighting a terrible disease, they are not disabled, I have a good job, I have great friends, I am healthy (generally, apart from when I am seeking attention) I love my family and they love me.
I have so much to be thankful for. I have so much to look forward to. I am actually very lucky!!! (is that the old Katrina rising above the ruins? Maybe??)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My very FIRST EVER date!!!

Yes I reached a milestone in my life today...I went on my first ever date. I have never been on one before and I was very nervous. What to say? What to wear? What to do? So I just got on with it and jumped in.
I guess some people would be thinking, why am I going on a date? Aren't I with Dani? I think that some have believed that we have been together all this time, and that maybe I was not telling the whole truth about things. And really, it isn't any body's business. I know that. But this blog is for me to tell it like it is, warts and all.
I left Michael for Dani. Fact. I moved in with Dani. Fact. But what some do not know is we moved in together for convienience more than anything else. I needed a home for my children. I had tried staying at my mums but it was too difficult , I stayed at my friend's but small children and teenagers don't mix. I needed to have a place where we could relax, Dani needed a place. So we did move in together. In hindsight it was something that we should not have done. I should have moved to somewhere by myself. But I didn't have enough money and quite honestly I was scared. Scared to be by myself and without emotional support. Dani gave me that. I did not realise my true mental state at the time. I think that is why I made choices that did not reflect the real ME. My emotional self had been torn and stretched. I had always been able to cope before. I had always juggled 50 balls at one time. Surely I could do it now? Just because my dad died and I had had a heart attack shouldn't have mattered? But they did matter and I was on a rollercoaster that i could not stop.
Dani has been a tower of strength to me and me to her. I think we were drawn to each other on an unconcious level. Both of us were heading into the most difficult time of our lives.
Dani and I are friends. We do spend lots of time together. I do rely on her for a huge amount of stuff. She still listens to me cry. She never tells me to go away. I care about her very much and I can see that if we were together that we would be happy. But I am in a place where I have to find me. I have to know for sure what it is that I want in my life. I do not want to use her and then when I am finished throw her away and say sorry. So she sits and waits, she listens and helps. She supports and loves.
I am on a path to find out who I am and what I want. If I am to stand up and say that I am in a same sex relationship then I need to be sure. I use to think that it wasn't a big issue, but it is. If I have to tell my children that this is me, then I have to have no doubts.I do not want to put them through more difficulty. I do not want them to be confused or embarrassed. I want to be able to tell them that this is me and that it is ok and nothing to be ashamed of.
So I went on a date with a man. No sparks. No fireworks. No new understandings.
But I have stepped outside my comfort zone. I have stood up and tried to throw the shackles off. I have tried to move past the hurt of the past year and look forward to new things. Good or bad, I am moving forward. I am on my way. I am not going to look back.

I am trying to "Sieze the Day" and I am starting to believe that I am worth it.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

A New Beginning

I had a visit from a very special friend last night. I cried (of course) we talked and talked and talked. She use to be my neighbour, and will be again soon, and she new my relationship wiht Michael well. We walked every morning and I bared my frustration with her most days.
She made me relise that I actually don't want to go back (how could I when she reminded me of all the crap?)I am just hurt that he is bending over backward for his girlfriend. I feel like if I could go back, he would do that for me.
I see Michael for who he is and I can finally try and cast off the "rose coloured glasses" that I have been using.
He has always tried to control things, I allowed it. I never truly demanded any of the things I needed from him. I asked, but not demanded. I have to learn from that. He seems to have learnt and is doing all this stuff for her. But has he truly changed? Can a lepoard change his spots? Maybe for a while but is it long term? I guess that is his journey to take.
I have to let it go. I have to kiss my future up to god. I have to resist reading the last chapter and just enjoy my life and my journey.
We only have one chance at this life. I have regrets - yes. I have made mistakes - yes. I am not perfect - yes. I am a good person - yes. I am worth having someone who loves me for me and them for them - yes. Iam good enough - yes.
So I know I will stumble and fall at times. I know it will still be hard. But finally I am ready. Finally I want to be me. I want to move forward and not live in the past. I am worthy and I deserve it.
Watch out world here I come. I wonder if I will need a change of undies??????

Friday, February 12, 2010


I forgot to say that I am about to embark on getting another tattoo. I booked it in today. I will be getting it on Wednesday. I haven't added photo's to this blog but I will make an exception when I get it done. Don't tell my mum though as she said I had to save for our cruise......

Same, same, but different.

I know it has been a while since my lost post. Many reasons for this, but will not bore you with the details. Needless to say I am here now....
My emotions as I said above have been the same but different. Just when I think I am getting on top of it all I come crashing down once again. I didn't succeed in not crying today, and yesterday and pretty mush most of the days before that.
My tear ducts seem to have their own planet at the moment. The poor planet is having constant rain and floods. One day they may be able to stop living in ark's, but alas, not at the moment.
I guess the reason for my current monsoon is another landmark in the journey...Michael is moving in with his girlfriend. This has brought up lots of emotion for me. I still yearn to fix my marriage, my relationship, but there truly is no relationship to fix. It is all gone. He sent me a message about 2 weeks ago...which basically set out how he saw our aqaintance continuing. I am not to ring him unless it is a child related emergency, I am only to text or e-mail any messages and any calls apart from urgent ones, will not be tolerated. I am an intrusion into his life. He continued to tell me how committed they were to each other and how he didn't enter into this relationship until he knew he was totally over any feelings he had for me. He will be applying for a divorce as soon as he possibly can and the house he fought tooth and nail to have, the house he threatened to fight me for, is mine if I want it. She didn't want to live there so he just changed his mind.
He wants me to go through his list of assets and when I don't agree he treats me less than he would treat a stranger.
Basically I can no longer invest my emotional self into this. I am still struggling and I cannot put myself through the hurt every night.
I do not understand why I am not worth him to even sit down with me to go through it all. He can't possibly find the time to help finalise 16 years of memories and life. Nice to know that I am not worth it. So I give up. He can have it all, whatever he wants for whatever he likes. I can't do it. I can't fight him. I just can't.
So I have to move on, but how? I still do not know.