Friday, February 11, 2011

End of an Era

My last night in this home. Last night in the home I dreamed about, built and lived in as a mother, wife and partner.

I kick myself for coming back here after I had left....but really I had to. I had to have closure and I had to find out the right path for me to take.
Living here, being in this house is not the right path. I have struggled being here. I had lots of old happy kids were born into this home, so many milestones and celebrations were centered around this home and the family that we were within it. But with it now are sadder memories, struggles and heartbreak. Not just about my marriage but the other experiences that I have had along the way.

How do I feel???? Well I drank a bottle of wine out of the bottle......I guess that says something..... Had a few tears along the way.....threw a few items around.....

I have so many 'I should ofs and I could haves'..... but at the end of the day I must accept where I am. I need to take responsibility for the actions that I have taken, the decisions that I made, the choices I thought were right, the indecision that I fought against....but the bottom line is that this is my life. This is where I am. This is who I am. Do I like me???? Not really but I am getting there. Do I love me....not really but I know that I have to, to heal the brokenness that I feel all around me. When I think about it all too much I feel myself plummeting down the dark tunnel that at times I have felt sure would consume me. That tunnel, my tunnel is a place that came very close to enveloping me recently. That tunnel, my tunnel was overwhelming, I nearly gave in to the blackness that it encouraged, the quiet it promised and the peace it recommended.
Of course I am grateful that I am here. I am grateful that I did not give in to the lure, that I did not succumb to the selfishness that is the tunnel and its thoughts. I am grateful to true friends and I am grateful that I wake up every morning to the sun and to the light and to a new day.

But tonight, tonight I open myself up to the feelings of sadness and loss, to the feelings of loneliness and heartbreak, to the feelings of regret and betrayal, and to the feelings of worthlessness and helplessness.

Tomorrow however, is a new day. A new day where I will leave those feelings here, in this place, in this time. Tomorrow I move on.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A new year and a new beginning

It has been many months since I last blogged. My life took another dip, another pothole on the road, but I am not going to talk about it at the moment.
I am not really one for making resolutions for a new year...well not from the usual daily resolutions to loose weight and get fit......but this year is different. I do not see them as resolutions, more goals for the betterment of my life.
I am sick and tired of feeling down. I never used to be like this. Nothing could get me down for long. I always tried to look on the bright side and see the silver lining no matter what. I have lost that in the last 2 and a half years. I have allowed that positivity that was such an integral part of who I was, to be pushed aside. I found it very hard to cope. I found everything very difficult and even though I tried to get above it...I never could. I guess I just wasn't ready. My mind and heart was still grieving and it didn't matter that I wanted to make different choices or decisions..I never could. Something always held me back. The information says that it takes half the amount of time you were in a relationship to recover......Hell!!! I was with M for 17 years. It is coming close to 2 years and I think that I am finally in a place of acceptance and understanding. I am not 'over it' That will take a very long time. But I can finally see the light at the end of a very long tunnel.
My heart is very broken at the moment (again) but I will not allow myself to head back into the dark place that I was for a very long time.
So what do you ask are my goals???? Well I have decided to stop being so god-damned self-indulgent. No more 'poor me', 'why me?' This year will be about giving back to the community. I have signed up for Shave for a Cure (March) I have always wanted to shave my head..... I have also signed up for a volunteer position at the local nursing home. I am also looking at making sewn items and donating them to the home, or hospital etc. I am not sure if this position is for me, but it is a start.
Hopefully I can really start to say goodbye to my demons and start living my life again, a life filled with laughter, joy, fulfillment, and eventually - love.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It has been quite a while since my last blog. Why? Who knows. I am sure I have a million reasons for not doing so but really I think I just got sick of hearing myself think. (so to speak)
Life is a bit hard at the moment. Lots has happened, but it all remains the same....if you know what I mean.
My mum and sister have moved out of my house. It is nice to have my space back and my time with my kids and all, but I do miss the company at times. I have madly been trying to clean the house which is taking ages. When I moved back in after Michael left the house was a huge mess. Every wall and door had marks and dirt and in some instances mould on them. We didn't get a chance to clean then, and to be honest I really had no compulsion to clean during the time from then till now. When I had my kids I was here but it as any mother knows can be mayhem, and when they were not here I had no motivation to be here either. I just could not do it at those times. I guess now I have moved on personally and while I still know that this was my 'family' home, it now has some different memories and I am feeling more comfortable withing its shell.
I have reflected on this 'house' and realise that it actually was always me that made it a 'home' so I know now that i can do that again if I choose to.
I am unsure of what the future holds for me with this house, I would like to sell and move on and forward but there are many things to be fixed, and while I could sell as is- who will honestly want to buy it with all the things that need to be done.
Dani - bless her cotton socks - is moving in to help me pay the mortgage that honestly I cannot afford on my own. I got paid today and after paying the paper bills, I have $200 dollars for food and life for the next 2 weeks. I am coping but I am certainly not getting ahead.
Anyway, I got some difficult news the other day about my health and I will need to have surgery with a 6-8 week recovery period. I must admit thinking "why me again?" but then again there are so many people much worse off and there are positives to the proceedure. I just struggle with the possible outcomes. I realise that in all honesty that i will be fine, but i need to think about the possibility that something may just go wrong. What if it does? The situation with Michael is a difficult one and I worry about all the 'what if's' I know this is trying to read the last chapter, but really it is about just being prepared.
I do not want to die like my dad and leave questions and guilt for my loved ones. I will be organising my medical orders and while it is to some morbid to think of such things, for me it is a necessity for my piece of mind.
So a fairly full on blog for my first one back after my hiatis. Oh well gotta keep up the drama...just wish sometimes it was someone elses drama....

Monday, September 6, 2010

The last wedding anniversary

So it is nearly done. My last offical wedding anniversary. I know that this time next year I will be divorced so I won't be able to say that it was my anniversary.
Difficult day.
Various feelings and emotions.
Sadness, regret, sorrow, mixed with a touch of anger and some relief.
The regret is of course related to the fact that I invested a huge amount of my life into that relationship. I believe in marriage. I believe in fedelity and honesty. I beleive in building your life with someone by your side. Sorrow because I lost my way.
The anger?? The anger continues to light a fire within for my children. To listen to my son talk about how sad he is, how WE need to find a SOLUTION (his words) to the situation that is his life. All he wants is to see me more often. He talks about how his dad has changed. He talks about how his week with me seems to flash by and that today, Monday, he starts to stress about how it is nearly the end of the week and he has to go back.
Breaks my heart.
Relief. Because now that the fog has lifted, I can clearly see once again the life I had and while I do wish for it in many ways, I do not wish for it in others. I no longer have to live constanly on edge, trying to convince those around me that the man I loved was a decent person. I don't have to make excuses anymore for behaviour that wasn't mine.
Now I cannot go into too much detail on this (as I have censorship issues with some of my readers, or fans as I refer to them) but there are things (sexually) that I now realise was never good. I just thought that was the way of it, but actully, no. I would seem that maybe, Michael and I were just not chemically suited.
So while I have allowed myself to be down about this, I am now done for today. I have to get off the bus stop. I realise that I am not getting on the bus, but I do see that I cannot continue to sit and wait.
My life is in my hands.
I just have to believe in myself enough to know that whatever is around my corner, will be fantastic!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Feeling rather low

Life is a very funny thing, as I have often reflected. I am feeling rather down at the moment and I hate it. I hate to feel like I am worthless, like I don't matter, and as much as I try and give myself a good stern talking to, at times it just doesn't work.
I am feeling this way due to a number of factors. I am sure there are some that even I am unaware of at this point in time and luckily for me really, because how much could I cope with at once? (actually I think I have coped with a hell of a lot more)
So why?
Tomorrow is my 13th wedding anniversary.(17 years together) I know that really I only made 11 and a half, not even 12, although this time last year I still truely believed that we were going to work it out.... I digress..... so yes I guess I remembering all the times, good and bad.
What do I really miss?
I miss the connection with a single other person. I miss the ease at which my life had. I miss the belief that I had a life plan. I mean I didn't know exactly where I was headed but knew the general direction. I miss the life I had, the fact that I had my kids all the time, (and yes it is every mothers dream to have a little alone time, but when you have no choice, when you can't see them, it is physically painful) I miss that we had shared experiences, I mean I had only known him my whole adult life.
It is so hard to remove yourself from those experiences, those feelings, those memories.
So here I sit in our house, the home we shared, where our children were conceived and our lives mapped out. Here I sit alone,and lonely. This will be my last anniversary, next year I will be divorced.
So I sit and ponder at what life might have been, but I am honestly trying to think that maybe,just maybe there are better things to come. That maybe the universe has other plans, and that maybe,just maybe life will once again have a plan, a meaning and a direction.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Bye Bye

So I am not going to see David anymore. He is the guy that I have been seeing, and whom I slept with. Why you may ask?? Was it because he had a small penis??? Was it because I received no sexual satifaction from our encounter?? Or is it becuase even though I understand that he doesn't want a relationship, he treats me like I don't exist????
Bingo if you guessed the last one. (how clever you are) Yes, he treats me like I am not worth his time. I mean, we slept together, and while it wasn't mind blowing, it wasn't too bad. The next day not even a small text of thanks or anything. Now I know you will be thinking...Katrina...he told you he didn't want what you wanted and you agreed to be friends with benefits....but for weeks we had also previously texted general stuff. Now that is all I wanted....something like...
"Gee Katrina, your amazing massage put me to sleep and while I snored away I acidently forgot about giving you any pleasure, however I will try harder next time" But alas, no such comment, no anything.
So I do not want to be a sad and pathetic 'chaser'. I am worth more than that.
Do I regret sleeping with him????? No, is the true and honest answer becuase I actually had to smash down some huge personal barriers to do so. So out of this I have actually gained a huge amount in terms of my personal confidence and I am certainly a hell of a lot more savvy when it comes to giving head. (ooh was that just too much information???, sorry)
So off I go back onto RSVP. But I am ok about it. It's all good.
Onward, upward and forward....

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

So it happened

Well it is if you don't want all the gory details do not continue to read. I mean you know me, you know that I say stuff that other people wouldn't and I am about to discuss my first sexual experience with a man who wasn't Michael. So you have been warned....
So I have seen this guy 4 times and yes I have slept wwith him. Big move for me. I must admit that it was very difficult. I mean it was awkward and weird. I have issues with my body at the best of times but to be even thinking about revealing my naked body to someone else.....well I have come a long away.
My new self inspiration "I will not habour unhealthy thoughts" is working.
I took the plunge, I opened myself up (mentally not talking bodily, although I guess I did that too)
So we kissed, not bad, and then it moved into other areas. Now I have to say that it was very different from what I have previously known. I guess I was very niave but I sort of assumed that it would be the same types of things that would turn him on. I have always beleived that I had a number of skills when it came to sexual relations. But apparently, and ofcourse, it is different for everyone.
I mean I know this as a woman, what turns me on doesn't do it for the next woman, but men are basic creatures that I figured got off on the same sort of stuff.
So anyway I guess I shouldn't go into anymore detail than that......I mean he is a bit of a nerd and what if he works out a way to read it, or anyone else for that matter.
So, I did enjoy it. I would like to do it again,not necessarily with the same guy. I wonder does that make me a slut??? If so???, then so be it. I am living for now at the moment and I will embrace all the new experiences that may come with that.
I am quite proud of where I am at the moment. Good luck to me :)