No matter how hard I try to just accept the things that are happening around me, I cannot at times stop the hurt and anger.
Saw Michael and his 'family' off to go for a drive today. How lovely......but we rarely did this. He was always having to fix his bike or someones computer. But now he is off every weekend doing family things like going bike riding, the beach, parks and walks.
Yes I am angry, yes I am jealous and yes I am hurt. Why was I never good enough for him to take the time to do things with us? Why can he now spend every weekend doing all the things I would have loved to do?
He would say, as he has said, that he has learn't from his mistakes. When I expressed my heartache at how he went and bought $100 worth of candles, (as he had never thought it necessary to do so for me) he said that he had learnt that he has to make sure that the person he loves knows their special each and eveyday. Lucky him. I guess I was never important enough for him to ever make changes for me. It was never important for me to be romanced, but good on him for learning that lesson.
Yes I am bitter, I don't want to be. I don't want to continue to feel worthless. Because that is how I feel. I wasn't worth his effort or his time. He said all the little things I wanted, candles, time together, dinners, he said they didn't matter. But now he sees they do and he is making sure he looks after her.
I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks. My head says get the **** up and take hold of my life, but my heart is in little pieces that at times seem to be coming back together, but at other times like now, the pieces are so scattered that I cannot find them. I fear that I will never find them, I fear that my heart will always be missing some pieces and that I will never be whole.