Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Self Esteem

Why is my self esteem so low? It is a question I ask myself and I genuinely can't answer it.
To people looking in at me I seem self assurred, sarcastic, in control and confident. But within myself I am none of those things. I am here tonight feeling like a fraud and a phoney. I am just waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and say, we know you are pretending.
I had to run my first full day pd session on Friday. I was terrified. But it all came together and I had some really great comments. But when I look through them I focus on the negatives. Why?
Why do I feel the constant need to de-value myself? Why do I never feel good enough? I never feel personally attractive or worthwhile, and never believe the good things people say. I am always the first to put myself down.
I think I do it to protect me. If I am the first to say it, if I don't expect anything better, then I can't be dissapointed. No one will be able to hurt me if I do it first.
I know I have to stop. I know I have to feel worth it. I know I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. But how do I reverse a lifetime of self doubt? How do I start to believe?
A very good friend of mine says that I am so terrified with my life at the moment because I don't know the end. (I will always read the last chapter of a book first..never really thought about why..just needed to know so I didn't get too concerned or something)So here I sit not being able to read the end. I don't know what is going to happen, how it will pan out....who the hero saves in the end. I guess that again is the journey that I am on. I don't have to know the end. I don't have to have all the information. I just have to have aptience and faith that I am a good person and I will get by. I have to start believing that i am worth it and I have to stop the negative thoughts.
Gee, lucky me, another goal.........


  1. You are beautiful --> inside and out...
    You are smart --> even if you don't know your times tables....
    You are loved --> even though some people are stupid
    You are special --> because I said so!

    I love you Treenie!!!! xoxo

  2. If you think negative you attract negative.

    Think positive!

  3. i have this whole theory (well it's not really my theory) but from the time we're little babies, we're socialised to believe "this" is right and "that" is wrong and it can be so hard to undo that conditioning, it's like a bicycle track, if you keep running over the same treads for years and years, you make a groove and it's really hard to make a new track while you're in that groove, it's not impossible though and I just know when you come out of your fog (and you definitely will) that you'll look back and know you're stronger for it. OK I'm done ;)