Thankyou to my amazing friend Toni who helps me to make sense of my life every now and again.
I am struggling at the moment with accepting the position I am currently in. I have lots of regrets about the choices I have made, and I find it difficult to get past them. I am able to look back and see that I was not able to make different decisions at the time. I see that I ran away from all the pressure that I felt under, and I see that emotionally I was giving to everyone but myself.
Knowing this in hindsight doesn't make it better, at times it makes it worse. I see the path I took and I cry for the chance to go back and make better ones. I may still be in the same place now, but maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much.
I know I have to let go and forgive that Katrina. I have to forgive her for what she had to do and forgive her for not being the perfect individual I wanted her to be. I have to forgive her for falling down, forgive her for not being the continual rock to all, and forgive her for having to survive the way she did.
I don't think I will ever get over the breakdown of my marriage, I will never forget the pain and heartbreak. I know that some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess i struggle to see the clarity of it now. In time I will (I hope) but for now it is very hard to think about it all. It is very hard to be without my kids. It is very hard to be me. (what a whinger??)