I am in a place that I had hoped I would never be...
Michael is removing both the children from their respective childcare positions and relocating them elsewhere. I will not be told where.
His belief is that I should not have access to the children on his week unless he gives permission and approval. I informed him that he could not stop me.
So here I sit. Lost, alone, broken??? Yes and no. I know in my heart, right dowm deep that everything that I have done and am doing is for my children. I visit them to say hi and give them a hug. I read to them and play. I reassure them that even though they are not with me,that I love them.
What is honestly so bad with that? Why is he so determined for me not to see them? Blayne asks me to come and see him. We read a book and sometimes I bring some afternoon tea. Is this the work of a shallow, selfish, underhand and nasty person? Apparently he believes so. I want to kick and scream and hit out at everything. I want to hold my babies and never let them go. How do I not see them and talk to them and hold them and love them for 7 days at a time?
I guess he sees this as my punishment.
But haven't I been punished enough??? I feel like I have been punished for quite a while now. I do not want to slip back into the self doubt and the belief that the world is just too hard. I know I need to fight and I will, for my children and for me. I just don't feel it at the moment. I will tomorrow.
But tonight I just want to curl up and scream and scream and scream to the powers that be. I want to cry and pour my heart out. I want to hold my kids and never let them go. I want to pierce the night with my voice sying that I have had enough.
Enough is enough....enough is enough...