Monday, September 6, 2010

The last wedding anniversary

So it is nearly done. My last offical wedding anniversary. I know that this time next year I will be divorced so I won't be able to say that it was my anniversary.
Difficult day.
Various feelings and emotions.
Sadness, regret, sorrow, mixed with a touch of anger and some relief.
The regret is of course related to the fact that I invested a huge amount of my life into that relationship. I believe in marriage. I believe in fedelity and honesty. I beleive in building your life with someone by your side. Sorrow because I lost my way.
The anger?? The anger continues to light a fire within for my children. To listen to my son talk about how sad he is, how WE need to find a SOLUTION (his words) to the situation that is his life. All he wants is to see me more often. He talks about how his dad has changed. He talks about how his week with me seems to flash by and that today, Monday, he starts to stress about how it is nearly the end of the week and he has to go back.
Breaks my heart.
Relief. Because now that the fog has lifted, I can clearly see once again the life I had and while I do wish for it in many ways, I do not wish for it in others. I no longer have to live constanly on edge, trying to convince those around me that the man I loved was a decent person. I don't have to make excuses anymore for behaviour that wasn't mine.
Now I cannot go into too much detail on this (as I have censorship issues with some of my readers, or fans as I refer to them) but there are things (sexually) that I now realise was never good. I just thought that was the way of it, but actully, no. I would seem that maybe, Michael and I were just not chemically suited.
So while I have allowed myself to be down about this, I am now done for today. I have to get off the bus stop. I realise that I am not getting on the bus, but I do see that I cannot continue to sit and wait.
My life is in my hands.
I just have to believe in myself enough to know that whatever is around my corner, will be fantastic!!

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