Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Self Esteem

Why is my self esteem so low? It is a question I ask myself and I genuinely can't answer it.
To people looking in at me I seem self assurred, sarcastic, in control and confident. But within myself I am none of those things. I am here tonight feeling like a fraud and a phoney. I am just waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and say, we know you are pretending.
I had to run my first full day pd session on Friday. I was terrified. But it all came together and I had some really great comments. But when I look through them I focus on the negatives. Why?
Why do I feel the constant need to de-value myself? Why do I never feel good enough? I never feel personally attractive or worthwhile, and never believe the good things people say. I am always the first to put myself down.
I think I do it to protect me. If I am the first to say it, if I don't expect anything better, then I can't be dissapointed. No one will be able to hurt me if I do it first.
I know I have to stop. I know I have to feel worth it. I know I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. But how do I reverse a lifetime of self doubt? How do I start to believe?
A very good friend of mine says that I am so terrified with my life at the moment because I don't know the end. (I will always read the last chapter of a book first..never really thought about why..just needed to know so I didn't get too concerned or something)So here I sit not being able to read the end. I don't know what is going to happen, how it will pan out....who the hero saves in the end. I guess that again is the journey that I am on. I don't have to know the end. I don't have to have all the information. I just have to have aptience and faith that I am a good person and I will get by. I have to start believing that i am worth it and I have to stop the negative thoughts.
Gee, lucky me, another goal.........

Monday, January 25, 2010


No matter how hard I try to just accept the things that are happening around me, I cannot at times stop the hurt and anger.
Saw Michael and his 'family' off to go for a drive today. How lovely......but we rarely did this. He was always having to fix his bike or someones computer. But now he is off every weekend doing family things like going bike riding, the beach, parks and walks.
Yes I am angry, yes I am jealous and yes I am hurt. Why was I never good enough for him to take the time to do things with us? Why can he now spend every weekend doing all the things I would have loved to do?
He would say, as he has said, that he has learn't from his mistakes. When I expressed my heartache at how he went and bought $100 worth of candles, (as he had never thought it necessary to do so for me) he said that he had learnt that he has to make sure that the person he loves knows their special each and eveyday. Lucky him. I guess I was never important enough for him to ever make changes for me. It was never important for me to be romanced, but good on him for learning that lesson.
Yes I am bitter, I don't want to be. I don't want to continue to feel worthless. Because that is how I feel. I wasn't worth his effort or his time. He said all the little things I wanted, candles, time together, dinners, he said they didn't matter. But now he sees they do and he is making sure he looks after her.
I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks. My head says get the **** up and take hold of my life, but my heart is in little pieces that at times seem to be coming back together, but at other times like now, the pieces are so scattered that I cannot find them. I fear that I will never find them, I fear that my heart will always be missing some pieces and that I will never be whole.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


I visited a dear old friend of mine today, one I re-connected with via facebook. We were best friends for many years through primary school until she moved away in grade 8.
It has made me wonder about the nature of friendship. Isn't it funny how there are some people who come into your life, and you think you will be friends with them for life. You couldn't imagine a time when they wouldn't be there beside you. But there does come a time when they aren't there beside you, and while you notice their absence, it isn't the catastophic disaster you thought it would be.
I have friends who I don't see everyday, but who don't keep score about who rang last and how long it has been. Those friends who when you do finally see them again, just start where you had left off like you had seen them yesterday.
This journey I am on, the train I cannot get off of, has shown me the true nature of friendship. I did cut myself off from those who meant the most to me. My head was so full, that to explain to each and everyone of them everyday how I was, was just too much. I didn't mean to distance myself, it was just the only way I could cope. Talking to too many people, regardless of how they care for you and just want to make sure you are ok, was too difficult.
I retreated into myself. At the time I didn't understand what I was going through, I didn't know what the path I was on was leading me to. I just needed time for me. I needed quiet, I needed space and I needed to sift through what was left of me, to try and find what was left. I had to start from scratch and seek out what was going on and why.
Unfortunately, as everyone does, I made mistakes. I did things the wrong way. I could see the choices that I should have made, but I honestly felt powerless to do them. It was like I was outside of myself looking in.
Sadly the time that it took for me to find me, to understand what had happened, to lift myself above the numdness, wastoo long for Michael. He had moved on. He had sought out someone else and had fallen in love almost immediately.
I continue to dwell on this fact. I continue to blame myself. Michael says that he waited as long as he could. He loved me so much that the choices I made, broke him and his love for me. 5 months and someone who loved me more than life itself (surposedly), had not only stopped loving me but moved on totally. A man who said that he would never be with anyone else, had not only started dating but had thrown himself into a full-on realtionship.
I am not using this forum to bad mouth Michael. I truly am not. But I can't move on at the moment as these thoughts keep circling round and round my head. How could he move on so quickly? Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't he fight for me? Why couldn't he meet me in the middle? Why did I have to jump through all the hoops just to find that he had realised that he didn't love me anymore?
Here I sit, 9 months after I officially moved out, and I still love him. I still have hope in my heart and I would go back. I do feel pathetic, I do feel worthless, I do feel lost......
I truly believed that we were going to get back together, I truly believed that we could have made it work, I truly believe that it would have been worthwhile.
Each day I sit and try to put myself first, try to heal my broken heart, spirit and soul, try to believe that I am worth more than what I was getting, and try to stop looking in the past. I must look to my future, the future that I am worthy of, that I deserve. A future that is yet to happen, but one that will be worth all the pain, heartache and grief. I just have to believe it.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

My Dad

Well it finally came, the first year anniversary of my dad's death.
His death has really shaped my life in the last year. I don't think that I truly delt with it when it happened. On refelection I can see that it had a huge impact on the choices that I made in my life and my marriage.
I was always my dads 'pumpkin'. We were always very close and shared one of those bonds that are so very special between father and daughter. He was my hero, my king and my best friend. He was strong and bigger than life, he seemed invincable.
I rarely remember him being sick. There was nothing he couldn't do. Ask him to fix something, and he would work out a way to do it. (his use of duct tape is that of legends)
The first time I realised that my dad was sick was at my wedding. He was living in Townsville and had been in hospital, but I had experienced that through a phone. It didn't seem real, and anyway, he was bigger than life to me so there was no way he was really sick.
At my wedding dad seemed his usual self, dancing and laughing and having a good time. It wasn't until I watched the video that there was a moment that he came off the dance floor and sat down. He seemed to wilt and took deep breaths. He saw the camera and recovered, but that was the moment that dad became human.
Dad was diagnosed with cardio myopothy. Apparently people who get this often die or need heart transplants. Dad however just got on with life. He slowed but work was everything to him and he had such a sense of his role as a husband and provider, that he had to get up every morning and get to it.
Once dad's heart was affected, (he believes it came from being electrocuted by a vending machine a few years before) his kidney disease started to rear its ugly head.
Slowly but surely dad's health declined in many ways, shapes and forms. But still, I always believed that he would be fine and probably outlive all of us.
When I sat down and wrote dad's ulogy, I realised how much I didn't kow about the man he was. I knew him as my wonderful father, but who was he really? What were the things he valued in his youth? I found out that he had always wanted to be a teacher, but duty to a widowed mother came first.
His decline, and the way in which he died still haunts me. I was there the moment he took his last breath. My hand was on his chest feeling the last beat of his heart and my hands held him as his body said goodbye to this world. He was not alone, he was surrounded by those who loved him the most, and for that I am truly thankful. I guess my experience of my heart attack 6 months before he died, gave me insight as to what he needed in those final moments.
Being emotionally available to those we love is something that shouldn't be a request. We should know in the depths of our soul, that to love fully, is to be there in all times, happy and sad, hard and amazing. I was not going to let my dad pass from one plane to another, alone.
We all have regrets in our lives, some more than others, some harder to accept than others, but they are there. I struggle everyday with the consequences of my life and choices. Have I made mistakes that are so big and devestating that I will never be able to accept and move on? Or are they mistakes that will help lead me on a better path, a more fullfilling path, a path that will help heal my spiritual soul and help me love myself once again.
To my dad, who I miss each and every day, and who I thank for just being him, I love you, I miss you and I will never forget you.
I wrote a poem for my dads funeral which I have included below. I was truly inspired when I wrote it and am grateful to have been able to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

I love you for every little thing you taught me
I love you for your warmth and cheeky smile
I love you for all the scrapes you cared for
And I love you for every driven mile.

I love you for all the kind words you gave me
I love you for all the lessons I had to learn
I love you for every step you walked beside me
I love you for making Robert give me a turn.

I love you for every book that you read me
I love you for every moment we shared
I love you for the times we spent talking
I love you because I always knew you cared.

I love you for all of your laughter
I love you for your sense of right
I love you for loving my children
And I love you for the hugs every night.

I love you for helping when I was in need
I love you for never saying no
I love you for helping me to grow up
And with everything, I wish you didn’t have to go.

I love you for being my dad
I love you for being my friend
I love you for all the advice you’ve given
My love for you will never end.

So now my darling daddy, I send you a goodbye kiss
And a loving sweet embrace
I will always remember you my dad
And the beautiful smile on your face.

To all of you who are beside me on this journey, thankyou.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My Mortality

I have been thinking a lot about my mortaliy again recently. (Just lucky I guess)
When we are young we feel like our lives are so far in front of us that we believe that we are invincable. It is not until you have children and experience life's hardships that you start to think about not being there to see them grow and become adults. I know that I had thought about death a lot in my teenage years as I had lost many members of my family close together.
Thoughts of death go to the back of your mind and you get on with life, but for me it came back when I had my heart attack.
I truly believe that this is where my current journey began.
I thought the chest pain was because I had just spent $1000.00 on Enjo cleaning products, but as it continued to get worse I was privately concerned. Michael, the kids and I got in the car. I thought that maybe I was having a gall bladder attack (because it was another one of my varied health issues). I was not prepared for what was to come next.
I walked into emergency got to the counter and then collasped. They rushed me in. (note to those who want to be seen quickly - chest pain!!) It then became a flurry as I was rushed into the resusitation room.
It is the most terrifying experience to see doctors rushing around you with that perplexed look on their face and huddled together. I looked up at my husband and 2 small children standing just away from me and I was panicked. I was not ready to go. I was not ready to leave them. My life didn't flash before my eyes but I experienced a pain in my soul that was devestating. How could I leave my babies? If there was a god, why would he be taking me away?
The worst moment was when I had the tablet under my tongue...I had a feeling that started at the tips of my toes and travelled all the way up my body. This was the moment that I truly believed was my time to go. I looked at my kids and I ached with the loss. I thought about not being able to say goodbye to everyone. I thought of them growing up without their mother, I thought of my dirty clothes at home and the mess that others would have to clean up. (silly I know) and I thought about all the things I had done wrong with my body. (Chocolate, fatty foods etc)
Why me?I am sure that no matter what difficult experiences come to us, we all at some point ask this question; why?
It is one I ponder now. Why did that happen to me? Why did I have to go through that? I am grateful that I got through it and I am perfectly healthynow, but why me? What lesson did I have to learn? What was the reason? Is there a higher agenda somewhere?
So many issues came from this experience, so I will leave them for another time; however I have often thought of the path that I have taken since then and wonder why?
I guess that is the journey I am now on. This is the truth and the reality that I now seek. This is the me that I am searching to know, and the me that I need to love, accept and forgive.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What is Brave?

Thankyou to so many of you who are supporting me through this blog. I have had lovely comments. The general comment is 'Boy you are brave'.
But what is bravery? I do not see that what I am doing is brave. Why is it deemed brave to share your feelings and the truth of what is happening? Why are we so scared to allow good people into our innermost selves?
Well obviously I am not as the last post showed. Bravery and courage is something I guess we would never see ourselves as having, it comes from what others see. I know that my cousin Diane was brave. She was 25 and diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. Everday people would ask her how she was and her reply would be positive and she would say"today was a good day" Regardless of weather it was or not. She was also brave to find out that she was 5 months pregnant while on her treatment and chose to go off all medications to give her baby a chance. She became blind and paralysed as the tumor pressed on those areas. She had her baby at 7 months, and died 2 weeks later. She was brave.
I however am just trying to find a place where I can put my grief and turmoil into words. I need to write it down so I can try to free up some of my head and heart space.
I didn't achieve my goal of not crying today. I cried when I read Kerri's message. Thankyou Kerri!! I also cried when I messaged Michael about custody. I don't know what I believe about psychics and all that but I went to one recently and so did Dani. Both times this topic came up with the comments about Michael going for custody of my kids and that if he won I would never see my kids again. I like to think that I know the man I lived with for 16 years and that he wouldn't do that but I guess people change. I needed his reassurance about this. He has given it but it is definately something that terrifies me.
Anyway as my beautiful friend Toni would say... "Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet" So I will try not to and just get on with it.
Maybe tomorrow I won't cry.......stranger things have happened I'm sure.

Crying in the Gym

Don't be scared that I am already adding another post...honeymoon phase and all. But I wanted to share my experience at the gym.
I was doing a Combat class. Putting my all into it and I had tears streaming down my face. I imagined Michael's face and I was just going for it. Obviously letting out some stress. I mean I do not blame Michael, I just feel like I have no control of my life. I wasn't given another chance to try and fix the things that went wrong. I really believed that we would get back together and it would have been better. I guess I just wanted to have the chance.
I do accept responsibility for the decisions that I made. I am 35 and have already had my midlife crisis. I would say that I am more myself now than I have been for a very long time.
My close friends would know that I had always had a leg on the other side of the sexual fence. I admit to having been curious about the other side. I guess when I ran away from my life, I couldn't have run further away than the same sex.
But why do we need to be defined by our sexual preferences? Why are there labels? Who am I? I still don't really know. I am not gay and I am not straight. Do I need to be classified as bi-sexual? And if so why? Aren't we all just looking for that one person who will love us above all others and stand by us through all of life's ups and downs?
That is what I am looking for-my other self. While I do have a spark of hope for my marriage(futile and ridiculous that it is) I know that I felt really let down about many things. I did not stand up for what I really needed, but then was it my job to ask? Should I have had to ask my husband to stay by my side in critical care? He says so.
My job now is to start to feel comfortable in my own skin again. To accept that I don't need a lable to define me, that I do not have to have the answers to that at the moment, and that I deserve to have a partner stand beside me who doesn't need to be asked to care for me in my most difficult times.
So I look forward to crying at the gym again. I won't be embarrassed, I will embrace it as a healing and a purging and a new beginning.

Monday, January 18, 2010

A new year and a new beginning!!

Well I have finally embarked on putting information into this blog. I am going to use it as a personal diary of my journey. This year is going to be very difficult and will see lots of change for me and my family.
Michael and I are no longer together and while I would love to go back in time and change some or all of the decisions that were made, I cannot.
So here I am. 35, single, scared, terrified, excited and starting the next chapter of my life.
I apologise in advance if this blog is a bit of a downer at times, as I will be very honest about my feelings and experiences. This will be a journey of healing, self discovery and hopefully at the end joy.
So how am I feeling today? Well I have been a huge procrastinator of anything work related, and I do know that this will hit me in the face tomorrow.
I am quite down as I am still struggling to accept that my marriage is over. Michael has moved on and is seemingly very happy in his new relationship. I struggle to understand how in 5 months he was over his love for me and in love with somebody he just met. I am scared to let go and feel that I have lost so much. 16 years together and 12 years of marriage is not an easy thing to let go of. I realise that I made the chaoice to leave and seek support in the arms of someone else.....but through lots of counselling I can see that I ran away from my life. I hadn't come to terms with my heart attack and the lack of support from my husband. Soon after I had to deal with my Dad's decline and my own mortatlity of having the same disease. I continued being the rock for everyone else but myself. I was numb, so leaving Michael didn't really seem real. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and found me again that I realised the enormity of the situation. Those of you who may have been with me in this time probably didn't see the turmoil as I had become good at putting on the brave face and not asking for help.
I have struggled to forgive myself andaccept where I am. I have to admit that I considered suicide, but my dad would have given anything to continue his journey in this world and I could never disrespect his memory by doing that. I also have 2 amazing children that need their mum. So I continue to go to bed every night and wake up every morning and hope that today I will not cry, that I will think myself worthy and that my life will get better.
So come with me on my journey and lets see where it takes me....