Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Crying in the Gym

Don't be scared that I am already adding another post...honeymoon phase and all. But I wanted to share my experience at the gym.
I was doing a Combat class. Putting my all into it and I had tears streaming down my face. I imagined Michael's face and I was just going for it. Obviously letting out some stress. I mean I do not blame Michael, I just feel like I have no control of my life. I wasn't given another chance to try and fix the things that went wrong. I really believed that we would get back together and it would have been better. I guess I just wanted to have the chance.
I do accept responsibility for the decisions that I made. I am 35 and have already had my midlife crisis. I would say that I am more myself now than I have been for a very long time.
My close friends would know that I had always had a leg on the other side of the sexual fence. I admit to having been curious about the other side. I guess when I ran away from my life, I couldn't have run further away than the same sex.
But why do we need to be defined by our sexual preferences? Why are there labels? Who am I? I still don't really know. I am not gay and I am not straight. Do I need to be classified as bi-sexual? And if so why? Aren't we all just looking for that one person who will love us above all others and stand by us through all of life's ups and downs?
That is what I am looking for-my other self. While I do have a spark of hope for my marriage(futile and ridiculous that it is) I know that I felt really let down about many things. I did not stand up for what I really needed, but then was it my job to ask? Should I have had to ask my husband to stay by my side in critical care? He says so.
My job now is to start to feel comfortable in my own skin again. To accept that I don't need a lable to define me, that I do not have to have the answers to that at the moment, and that I deserve to have a partner stand beside me who doesn't need to be asked to care for me in my most difficult times.
So I look forward to crying at the gym again. I won't be embarrassed, I will embrace it as a healing and a purging and a new beginning.

1 comment:

  1. good for you sweetie :) and no, you don't need to be defined by your sexuality, just do what feels good!