I have been thinking a lot about my mortaliy again recently. (Just lucky I guess)
When we are young we feel like our lives are so far in front of us that we believe that we are invincable. It is not until you have children and experience life's hardships that you start to think about not being there to see them grow and become adults. I know that I had thought about death a lot in my teenage years as I had lost many members of my family close together.
Thoughts of death go to the back of your mind and you get on with life, but for me it came back when I had my heart attack.
I truly believe that this is where my current journey began.
I thought the chest pain was because I had just spent $1000.00 on Enjo cleaning products, but as it continued to get worse I was privately concerned. Michael, the kids and I got in the car. I thought that maybe I was having a gall bladder attack (because it was another one of my varied health issues). I was not prepared for what was to come next.
I walked into emergency got to the counter and then collasped. They rushed me in. (note to those who want to be seen quickly - chest pain!!) It then became a flurry as I was rushed into the resusitation room.
It is the most terrifying experience to see doctors rushing around you with that perplexed look on their face and huddled together. I looked up at my husband and 2 small children standing just away from me and I was panicked. I was not ready to go. I was not ready to leave them. My life didn't flash before my eyes but I experienced a pain in my soul that was devestating. How could I leave my babies? If there was a god, why would he be taking me away?
The worst moment was when I had the tablet under my tongue...I had a feeling that started at the tips of my toes and travelled all the way up my body. This was the moment that I truly believed was my time to go. I looked at my kids and I ached with the loss. I thought about not being able to say goodbye to everyone. I thought of them growing up without their mother, I thought of my dirty clothes at home and the mess that others would have to clean up. (silly I know) and I thought about all the things I had done wrong with my body. (Chocolate, fatty foods etc)
Why me?I am sure that no matter what difficult experiences come to us, we all at some point ask this question; why?
It is one I ponder now. Why did that happen to me? Why did I have to go through that? I am grateful that I got through it and I am perfectly healthynow, but why me? What lesson did I have to learn? What was the reason? Is there a higher agenda somewhere?
So many issues came from this experience, so I will leave them for another time; however I have often thought of the path that I have taken since then and wonder why?
I guess that is the journey I am now on. This is the truth and the reality that I now seek. This is the me that I am searching to know, and the me that I need to love, accept and forgive.