Thankyou to so many of you who are supporting me through this blog. I have had lovely comments. The general comment is 'Boy you are brave'.
But what is bravery? I do not see that what I am doing is brave. Why is it deemed brave to share your feelings and the truth of what is happening? Why are we so scared to allow good people into our innermost selves?
Well obviously I am not as the last post showed. Bravery and courage is something I guess we would never see ourselves as having, it comes from what others see. I know that my cousin Diane was brave. She was 25 and diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. Everday people would ask her how she was and her reply would be positive and she would say"today was a good day" Regardless of weather it was or not. She was also brave to find out that she was 5 months pregnant while on her treatment and chose to go off all medications to give her baby a chance. She became blind and paralysed as the tumor pressed on those areas. She had her baby at 7 months, and died 2 weeks later. She was brave.
I however am just trying to find a place where I can put my grief and turmoil into words. I need to write it down so I can try to free up some of my head and heart space.
I didn't achieve my goal of not crying today. I cried when I read Kerri's message. Thankyou Kerri!! I also cried when I messaged Michael about custody. I don't know what I believe about psychics and all that but I went to one recently and so did Dani. Both times this topic came up with the comments about Michael going for custody of my kids and that if he won I would never see my kids again. I like to think that I know the man I lived with for 16 years and that he wouldn't do that but I guess people change. I needed his reassurance about this. He has given it but it is definately something that terrifies me.
Anyway as my beautiful friend Toni would say... "Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet" So I will try not to and just get on with it.
Maybe tomorrow I won't cry.......stranger things have happened I'm sure.