Monday, July 26, 2010

This is for Tanya!!

Well it seems to have been a little while since I last blogged. Ages really. I guess I felt like I didn't want to repeat myself over and over again. But I have been abused about my lack of blogging so here I go again and try to keep you up to date with the ongoing drama and struggle which is my life.
My last blog was about my first foray into dating in the company of others.....lets just say that this first go wasn't the experience i thought it ould be. I felt like a child at the adults table. None of the other diners had been married or had children. They were rather boring and I was itching to go. The food was ok but really expensive. The guy across from me had food on his face for most of the night and I had to make a joke about the sperm shaped chocolate....needless to say it was a disaster. So I have been on 2 more...well I did pay a shitload of money to part of the group so I keep going in the hope that I will meet some people who may be ne friends in my life.
I can't really say that I am in a happy place right now personally, I had a difficult night tonight for certain reasons and I find that just a small thing can throw me off course. I did cope, I didn't make a fool of my myself so I guess apart from my reaction all is ok.
At times I sit and I do get scared about my future. It is not that I am desperate to have anyone in my life, it is just the fact that I like to share my life, my experiences and my journey with someone. Someone who will have my back in this world. I did think that, that was Michael, but no it wasn't. He has moved on and I guess my issue is that I have no closure on many questions inside my heart. I am trying so hard to move past it and just get on with my life, but my heart holds me back. My head yells, and screams, and shouts, but my heart retreats into itself, still trying to hold onto a life, a dream that is no more. I worry that I will never move on...I know dramatic drama queen that I am....I know that I will get there, I know that eventually I will be ok, that eventually I will have my life back, a better one......I just hope it doesn't take me too long...

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