Monday, January 18, 2010

A new year and a new beginning!!

Well I have finally embarked on putting information into this blog. I am going to use it as a personal diary of my journey. This year is going to be very difficult and will see lots of change for me and my family.
Michael and I are no longer together and while I would love to go back in time and change some or all of the decisions that were made, I cannot.
So here I am. 35, single, scared, terrified, excited and starting the next chapter of my life.
I apologise in advance if this blog is a bit of a downer at times, as I will be very honest about my feelings and experiences. This will be a journey of healing, self discovery and hopefully at the end joy.
So how am I feeling today? Well I have been a huge procrastinator of anything work related, and I do know that this will hit me in the face tomorrow.
I am quite down as I am still struggling to accept that my marriage is over. Michael has moved on and is seemingly very happy in his new relationship. I struggle to understand how in 5 months he was over his love for me and in love with somebody he just met. I am scared to let go and feel that I have lost so much. 16 years together and 12 years of marriage is not an easy thing to let go of. I realise that I made the chaoice to leave and seek support in the arms of someone else.....but through lots of counselling I can see that I ran away from my life. I hadn't come to terms with my heart attack and the lack of support from my husband. Soon after I had to deal with my Dad's decline and my own mortatlity of having the same disease. I continued being the rock for everyone else but myself. I was numb, so leaving Michael didn't really seem real. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and found me again that I realised the enormity of the situation. Those of you who may have been with me in this time probably didn't see the turmoil as I had become good at putting on the brave face and not asking for help.
I have struggled to forgive myself andaccept where I am. I have to admit that I considered suicide, but my dad would have given anything to continue his journey in this world and I could never disrespect his memory by doing that. I also have 2 amazing children that need their mum. So I continue to go to bed every night and wake up every morning and hope that today I will not cry, that I will think myself worthy and that my life will get better.
So come with me on my journey and lets see where it takes me....


  1. You are really brave to share your life in this way...I think it will do you good and I will feel like I am a part of your life even if we don't see you often enough. Congratulations on getting it going. Love the cupcakes!

  2. Thank you for allowing me to share this journey with you. I believe that sharing your inner thoughts and feelings publicly is definately a difficult task but one that will help you along your journey to find yourself! You have my support and I will regularly read your blog!

  3. You go girl! It's a very courageous thing you're doing. Identifying your feelings is the first step to healing. What better way than to write them down here (and then get supportive comments from your friends!) We'll be with you on this journey of discovery.

    We're listening...