Well I have finally embarked on putting information into this blog. I am going to use it as a personal diary of my journey. This year is going to be very difficult and will see lots of change for me and my family.
Michael and I are no longer together and while I would love to go back in time and change some or all of the decisions that were made, I cannot.
So here I am. 35, single, scared, terrified, excited and starting the next chapter of my life.
I apologise in advance if this blog is a bit of a downer at times, as I will be very honest about my feelings and experiences. This will be a journey of healing, self discovery and hopefully at the end joy.
So how am I feeling today? Well I have been a huge procrastinator of anything work related, and I do know that this will hit me in the face tomorrow.
I am quite down as I am still struggling to accept that my marriage is over. Michael has moved on and is seemingly very happy in his new relationship. I struggle to understand how in 5 months he was over his love for me and in love with somebody he just met. I am scared to let go and feel that I have lost so much. 16 years together and 12 years of marriage is not an easy thing to let go of. I realise that I made the chaoice to leave and seek support in the arms of someone else.....but through lots of counselling I can see that I ran away from my life. I hadn't come to terms with my heart attack and the lack of support from my husband. Soon after I had to deal with my Dad's decline and my own mortatlity of having the same disease. I continued being the rock for everyone else but myself. I was numb, so leaving Michael didn't really seem real. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and found me again that I realised the enormity of the situation. Those of you who may have been with me in this time probably didn't see the turmoil as I had become good at putting on the brave face and not asking for help.
I have struggled to forgive myself andaccept where I am. I have to admit that I considered suicide, but my dad would have given anything to continue his journey in this world and I could never disrespect his memory by doing that. I also have 2 amazing children that need their mum. So I continue to go to bed every night and wake up every morning and hope that today I will not cry, that I will think myself worthy and that my life will get better.
So come with me on my journey and lets see where it takes me....