I sit here and think about the amazing strength that we carry within us each and every day. I have always felt like a strong and capable person and have always prided myself on having been able to juggle all the 'balls' that life has thrown at me. I guess it is why I found it so difficult when it became too hard for me to keep them all in the air.
I certainly feel that I have regained that inner strength once again, however I am changed. I have realised that I do not have to keep them all going. I can at times put one down and just focus on the most important ones. I have also realised that for much of my life with Michael, I had failed to juggle a particular ball at all - ME. I always let that one go. I would not only not pick it up, but I would push it away so that it wasn't even looked at. I became so good at ignoring this ball, that when it finally hit me in the face, I didn't recognise it.
I understand that I have always been a giver. I have liked to give and at times felt great joy in the giving process. What I failed to realise, was that even a person that loves to give, needs a little receiving. It didn't sit well with me. I have never accepted nor enjoyed compliments. I have always tried to be the first one to put myself down or make disbaraging comments about me. Mostly about those things that I was most insecure about.
It is ironic, that when people first get to know me, they believe the facade that I portray. The tough exterior, the say it like it is, the risk taker.But is that truly me?? At times it is, but at other times it is an act. It is the show I put on to hide the fact that I am actually a very insecure person, who while seemingly encouraging the spotlight, does so to disguise many a perceived flaw.
I am trying to get past this. I am trying to say...Well what is actually wrong with me? Now I could list a number of items, but again this is me jumping in when I don't need to. There is actually nothing wrong with me. I am a good and decent person. I may not be thin, but I am not ugly. I am lucky to have so many good things in my life and I need to make sure that I acknowledge and embrace them.
My favourite quote at the moment from EAT, PRAY, LOVE
I will not harbour unhealthy thoughts anymore
These are words to not only embrace but to live by. I want to start living .....