I know it has been a while since my lost post. Many reasons for this, but will not bore you with the details. Needless to say I am here now....
My emotions as I said above have been the same but different. Just when I think I am getting on top of it all I come crashing down once again. I didn't succeed in not crying today, and yesterday and pretty mush most of the days before that.
My tear ducts seem to have their own planet at the moment. The poor planet is having constant rain and floods. One day they may be able to stop living in ark's, but alas, not at the moment.
I guess the reason for my current monsoon is another landmark in the journey...Michael is moving in with his girlfriend. This has brought up lots of emotion for me. I still yearn to fix my marriage, my relationship, but there truly is no relationship to fix. It is all gone. He sent me a message about 2 weeks ago...which basically set out how he saw our aqaintance continuing. I am not to ring him unless it is a child related emergency, I am only to text or e-mail any messages and any calls apart from urgent ones, will not be tolerated. I am an intrusion into his life. He continued to tell me how committed they were to each other and how he didn't enter into this relationship until he knew he was totally over any feelings he had for me. He will be applying for a divorce as soon as he possibly can and the house he fought tooth and nail to have, the house he threatened to fight me for, is mine if I want it. She didn't want to live there so he just changed his mind.
He wants me to go through his list of assets and when I don't agree he treats me less than he would treat a stranger.
Basically I can no longer invest my emotional self into this. I am still struggling and I cannot put myself through the hurt every night.
I do not understand why I am not worth him to even sit down with me to go through it all. He can't possibly find the time to help finalise 16 years of memories and life. Nice to know that I am not worth it. So I give up. He can have it all, whatever he wants for whatever he likes. I can't do it. I can't fight him. I just can't.
So I have to move on, but how? I still do not know.