Tuesday, August 31, 2010

So it happened

Well it is official....now if you don't want all the gory details do not continue to read. I mean you know me, you know that I say stuff that other people wouldn't and I am about to discuss my first sexual experience with a man who wasn't Michael. So you have been warned....
So I have seen this guy 4 times and yes I have slept wwith him. Big move for me. I must admit that it was very difficult. I mean it was awkward and weird. I have issues with my body at the best of times but to be even thinking about revealing my naked body to someone else.....well I have come a long away.
My new self inspiration "I will not habour unhealthy thoughts" is working.
I took the plunge, I opened myself up (mentally not talking bodily, although I guess I did that too)
So we kissed, not bad, and then it moved into other areas. Now I have to say that it was very different from what I have previously known. I guess I was very niave but I sort of assumed that it would be the same types of things that would turn him on. I have always beleived that I had a number of skills when it came to sexual relations. But apparently, and ofcourse, it is different for everyone.
I mean I know this as a woman, what turns me on doesn't do it for the next woman, but men are basic creatures that I figured got off on the same sort of stuff.
So anyway I guess I shouldn't go into anymore detail than that......I mean he is a bit of a nerd and what if he works out a way to read it, or anyone else for that matter.
So, I did enjoy it. I would like to do it again,not necessarily with the same guy. I wonder does that make me a slut??? If so???, then so be it. I am living for now at the moment and I will embrace all the new experiences that may come with that.
I am quite proud of where I am at the moment. Good luck to me :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

One of those days

Well it has been one of those days that are often sent to test us. Are we as strong as we thought we were, can we cope with things bashing us in the face, am I as emotionally tough as I feel that I am???
I am happy and relieved to say that the answer to that is YES I AM!!
Papers came today from a certain persons solicitor (who shall remain nameless). I was upset, and pissed off and for a moment I felt like crying.Not because I was sad, but because I was so MAD!! The papers included a draft consent order discussing amicable this and with discussion that. Is he mentally ill??? I actually think he is. I mean I have just terminated mediation because not just me but OTHERS see that he is not able to put the children first and seems to have a total disregard for anybody elses opinion that is different to his own.
What the fuck is he on??? I want to know because I would love some so that I can believe that I am always right, that I can do whatever I like.
Sorry for the swearing but really, it is the only word that does apply....
So I have an appointment tomorrow with my person, so it begins, it has started, it is on, no turning back, no stopping for a breath, no nothing..........

Saturday, August 28, 2010

The best night out - EVER

Now, I have had some fantastic times. Who could forget scrapbooking weekend 2008, at Melissa's place. Mama Mia...say no more. I think the tears that streamed down Toni's face are still imprinted on all of our minds. But I have to say that my night out last night rates up there with the best I have ever had!!
There were only 3 of us, but boy did we party!!! Our cheeks are still sore from all the laughing. What did we do you my ask???? Nothing out of the ordinary but we were all in the right frame of mind and the night was FABULOUS!!
Kym, Dani and I stayed in the city, met some great people, danced and drank (yes me, while I don't think you could say that I was pissed, I did get pissey and at times I couldn't stand up from all of the laughing. It was a big step for me who has never been technically drunk, I certainly had moments of fuzz but moments of clarity also)
I love to dress up and put myself out there so I had decided that I wanted to mohawk my hair and paint my face - ala Lady GaGa (who incidently I don't really like but in a club her music rocks!!) I don't think this would come as a shock to anyone who knows me. I have no problem with feather boas, knee high boots etc. So what did I do??? Walking around in the city, I was called to a shop by the universe, and there staring at me was a long purple wig. I fell in love and just had to have it.
I ended up just being a star at the club. Who would think that a club like The Beat I would be interesting. (and yes it is a gay bar, but there are a wide range of people who go there and the atmosphere is electric) so me in my wig....HUGE hit. I was called outrageous. I was chatted up by men and women and the quote of the night was when a young boy of 25 asked my age....when he heard 36 he was dumbstruck and exclaimed "you are the hotest 36 year old I have ever seen!!"
So the laughing, the dancing, the sangria and the vibe all combined in the universe to tell me that I am alive, that I am free and that I am fabulous!!!

Friday, August 27, 2010

The 'date'

I know many of you would like to know how my date went last night. I also know that at times I have written about these types of things and left you hanging about the results.....table for six ring a bell?? So I thought I had better fill you in before I get hate vibes across the universe..
I guess I would describe it as an interesting insight into my views on people and maybe the stereotypes that I hold within me,even when I try not to have them. So I met Troy last night. We had spoken on the phone once and he had sent me a few texts over the week. Nothing amazing or cute or sexy or anything, just basic communication. His texts were not grammatically correct or structured. He didn't try to be funny or cute. So when we spoke, he did sound as I expected. (rude of me really, at times I really am a snob) He is a tiler and he did sound very "ocker" if you know what I mean. A real tradie.
So he made a dinner booking at what actually was a very lovely restaurant at Mooloolaba. At first glance he was good looking, had a lovely body and I have to say that the thing I look for the most to make judgement about a guy is his shoes. He had nice, trendy shoes. He dressed very sunshine coast. Nice surfy jeans and shirt. So I was surprised. The food was expensive and I did actually order the most expensive thing on the menu, not because he was paying but because it was what I wanted.
I have to say that I spent most of the night talking, and he spent it drinking. He never attempted to engage me in conversation about me. I asked him a lot of questions and found out that he appears to live in a world that money is no problem. He likes the horses and I was horrified to hear that he will spend thousands at the track most weekends. When paying the bill, he pulled out a wad of hundreds, with a rubber band..... That blew mw away. And me being me I made comment on this. "Wow, never seen anyone do that before" He thought that was hilarious and offerred me the money he was going to leave for the tip....Obviously I was a sad, poor person.
So it was done, no talk of seeing each other again. I offerred to drive him home as he was catching a cab, drinker that he is. On the way we stopped off at the bottle shop. Classic.
So there we are another experience. Another step. Another day.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Date Night

Well I am about to once again get ready for a FIRST date. I have had a few of these recently and while nothing much has come out of them, I must admit to enjoying it.
I guess if I put on my counsellors hat, one might say that I am experiencing things that I did not experience when I was younger. Michael and I met when I was 18 and that was that. He was the only man that I had ever dated (and really we didn't even date) Michael was the only man that I had ever slept with and the only experience that I have known as an adult of being with a man. So I will admit to being somewhat excited at times about the possibilty of experiencing those things again. Possibly a lot of things for the First time.
I do readily admit that I am terrified of many parts of dating. The what if's and all the negative thoughts that like to twist and turn within my, some would say, interesting thought processes.
But here I sit thinking "I will not harbour unhealthy thoughts anymore" and so I will go forth into the unknown and not dwell or twist or over think or do anything than just let things go as they will and be as they will.
Who knows what might happen....I don't, and for once in my life, I will not seek out the answer, I will not try and read the last chapter......mmmmm is that a lesson I have learnt??????


I sit here and think about the amazing strength that we carry within us each and every day. I have always felt like a strong and capable person and have always prided myself on having been able to juggle all the 'balls' that life has thrown at me. I guess it is why I found it so difficult when it became too hard for me to keep them all in the air.
I certainly feel that I have regained that inner strength once again, however I am changed. I have realised that I do not have to keep them all going. I can at times put one down and just focus on the most important ones. I have also realised that for much of my life with Michael, I had failed to juggle a particular ball at all - ME. I always let that one go. I would not only not pick it up, but I would push it away so that it wasn't even looked at. I became so good at ignoring this ball, that when it finally hit me in the face, I didn't recognise it.
I understand that I have always been a giver. I have liked to give and at times felt great joy in the giving process. What I failed to realise, was that even a person that loves to give, needs a little receiving. It didn't sit well with me. I have never accepted nor enjoyed compliments. I have always tried to be the first one to put myself down or make disbaraging comments about me. Mostly about those things that I was most insecure about.
It is ironic, that when people first get to know me, they believe the facade that I portray. The tough exterior, the say it like it is, the risk taker.But is that truly me?? At times it is, but at other times it is an act. It is the show I put on to hide the fact that I am actually a very insecure person, who while seemingly encouraging the spotlight, does so to disguise many a perceived flaw.
I am trying to get past this. I am trying to say...Well what is actually wrong with me? Now I could list a number of items, but again this is me jumping in when I don't need to. There is actually nothing wrong with me. I am a good and decent person. I may not be thin, but I am not ugly. I am lucky to have so many good things in my life and I need to make sure that I acknowledge and embrace them.
My favourite quote at the moment from EAT, PRAY, LOVE

I will not harbour unhealthy thoughts anymore

These are words to not only embrace but to live by. I want to start living .....

Monday, August 23, 2010

Another Chapter Begins

Go to court go directly to court, do not pass go, do not collect any money, in fact be prepared to spend all your money on arsehole lawyers who care nothing for your situation or life. Oh and don't forget to leave your compassion, dignity and sense of humour at the courthouse door.
This has been a community announcement brought to you by another statistic.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

On the road...

It has been a very productive weekend for the residents of this house. Mum, Beccy (yes I did say Beccy it is not a mistake) me and the kids, all rolled up our sleeves and got in and did a bit around the house. It was very empowering. Mum has bought a house and she is looking forward to having her own 'Home' again. I am excited as once she leaves this house will be on the market and hopefully not long after that, my life will start on its next path.
It's amazing that work was done. No work has been carried out on this house since we moved in. I just have had no motivation what so ever. Why??? Because as I have mentioned in previous blogs...this no longer feels like my home. It is just a shell in which the daily activities happen, but one in which there is no essence.
I hope the people who buy this house will once again fill it with love and family and make it a home once more.
I am more than ready to move on. I am in fact very excited. It will be the first time that I can make all of my own decisions.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I hate men

So yes I have begun to put myself out there to try and find out who I am and what I want. So I have been on RSVP, and before you make judgement about that, I ask you, where would you try and meet single men these days??? It is very difficult if you are not on one of these sites. And take it from me, as most of you will as you are all happily smug marrieds.....that it is bloody hard to find people to meet.
I mean I did join the Table for Six dinner club....and boy how did that go??? Not that well is the answer. Sitting for hours with 5 other people that you may think right from the start are just not your cup of tea. But you feel obliged to sit and chat and make stupid small talk that means nothing to noone, not even you if you are the one talking. You sit and you nod your head, and smile at the appropriate time, while all the while thinking I wish I could look at my watch and somehow take back the wasted time that you have just lost.
But I digress......
The current situation is that I have been talking to a certain male and have met him a few times. He seems nice, I enjoy his company and it seemed the feelings were mutual, but low and behold they are not. God I hate games. You either like someone or you don't and if you don't why don't people have the balls to just tell you?? I don't understand it, but then I don't play games. I generally tell it like it is but with this type of situation I have held back.
I don't want to seem too desperate and embarrass myself. I know you are thinking that this is generally not an issue for me as I tend to embarrass myself regularly, but this is much more difficult. Especilly when it means something. Now I am certainly not saying that this is the be all and end all of something because there is no relationship or anything....it is just the point. When someone texts you I believe that you have an obligation to acknowledge and if needed respond to the message. Not immediately of course but when you can. Why do others not feel the same way? Why do we at times seem to not have some common curtesy in regards to others? I guess I have now experienced this lack of curtesy from a male again, the other one needs not be named here as all and sundry know it.
So here I sit, dissapointed, disenchanted and maybe a little emotionally dented, but I know I will be fine and I know this is just a very little thing but it is just another hurdle for me deal with, another step in the journey, another lesson to learn.....

Friday, August 20, 2010

My children, my life

I glanced at my watch throughout the day waiting for the moment when I could finally have my babies once agin in my arms. When they are not with me, I feel a physical pain. At times it can be overwhelming not being able to call them or know what they may or may not be doing. It is a very cruel person who can try and disconnect the bonds of a parent. Now I do not mean for a moment that fathers cannot have the same connection to their children, because they can.
But my children grew inside me. I was connected to them before they took a breath. I spoke to them every day inside my body and I was humbled when I felt them move within me.
My children are my life. They are in my thoughts each and everyday and they are at the forefront of my mind when I make any decisions.
I know that this will not always be the caase, but right now, right at this moment I am only whole when they are with me. When we are apart I struggle to be me. I hope and pray that this will not always be the case.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Doubts are a strange creature. Why do we have to have them? One moment we can be quite confident and feel like nothing could tear us down, then the next moment Mr Doubt creeps and taps you on the shoulder. So the brothers grim of Mr Doubt and Mr Dwell are still lingering around me. I am able to resist them more now, than I ever have, but still there they sit waiting for me to drop my guard for just a moment before they jump in to start tearing me down once again.
I am trying to move on with my life, and some have reflected that finally I am doing a damn good job of it. I have had a number of dates and I have been conversing with the opposite sex about various things. But it is now at these times that I start to doubt myself. You may send a text and then you wonder, 'oh, how will that be read?' then you think 'oh, maybe I shouldn't have sent that', then you wait for a return text and when one is not forthcoming you question 'maybe they are just not that into you' I borrowed that movie on the weekend and it made me think...is that the way of dating? Are there rules? What are the signs? Should I be casual and aloof? Should I be open and honest?
My sister asked about one of the dates. She asked who texted first? Why? Aparently if you text first that then means they are not interested. You shouldn't text first. You should wait.
Do I have to follow these silly rules? Can't I just be honest and truthful? If I like someone can't I just say I like them?
I guess I will have to wait and see......

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Another step....

I rang the real estate today to offically tell them that I will be selling my home. It has been a difficult decision as I love my house. It was the dream. I designed it. I chose the colours and styles etc. But at the end of the day it is just a house. It is a house that holds lovely family memories. Both my children have all their early memories here and for Blayne it will be a difficult time. He will be the one who is most upset at this move.
My mum has signed a contract for her home. She is very excited. She has felt, like I have that this has not been a home since we moved back, but a house. She needs a home once again and so do I. There are just too many memories here for me. Over time they have lessoned but at the end of the day it is still the home I built and bought with Michael. It is time that I moved on. It is time that I shed the shackles so to speak, of my married life. I am no longer married (well technically I am but not in spirit or heart or anything else that matters)
S0 MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS WHO READ THIS....I will need your help. I have a huge amount of work to do to get this house ready. So I humbly ask for some help and assistance. I propose that on a weekend in the next month that I have a working bee. I will provide the food, drinks and hugs to all those amazing friends who will come and help. I will let you know as soon as I work out the best weekend so please let me know what you think about this. I will of course understand if you choose not to help and promise not to egg your house.
This is just another step in my journey........

Monday, August 16, 2010

Not a good day

I am having one of those days that just make you cringe and you think 'how did I get here?' Just when you think that you are on top of the shit and all seems to be right with the world around you....BAM!!!! In it comes again to knock you down. Now before people start to roll their eyes and think 'here she goes again', I am just having a bad day and I will not let it dictate me life.
I am much stronger emotionally than I have been for a very long time. I know that this will knock me a bit, but that I have seen and feel that I can get over these hurdles.
Hurdles are a funny thing aren't they??? Again I sit and ponder about the universe and all things, and have to at times ask myself....'what do I need to take from this new road block in my life?' I have come to be very good at looking at all the information (some say I look at too much of the information and take too much on board as being mine to own) But at least I do know that whatever is being thrown my way....and let me say right now that I do not believe that I have actually been through the worst of this journey and that you who are reading this need to prepare to help me, that whatever is going to be thrown my way I am more than capable of dealing with it, without allowing it to once again destroy my soul.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

New Beginnings

I have been working hard at accepting my life for what it is now and not keep dwelling on regrets and perceived failures. It has been hard. I am in fact a consummate dweller. I dwell on most things. I think and re-think things. I go over what I said and worry that maybe I should have said it in a different way or have said something totally different altogether. So this move to stop dwelling is not as easy at some lovely people think. They say "stop thinking about it" "move on" "don't worry" and as I have said in previous posts, they all mean well and are trying to inspire me, but as a dweller extraindonaire, it is a little harder than that.
I mean how many people would like to give up something and again, good meaning people say, well just stop eating it, or how many people ache to give up smoking but just do not have the motivation or commitment even though they know how very bad it is for them.
So long story short, sort of, I have made a move to hop off the dwelling train. I have made the fat controller blow the whistle and halt all journeys. Now this is not to say that I am cured....there are no magic fairies or flying carpets here, but I am making a concerted effort to focus on those things that I can control and not try and fix, change or modify the things that have already happened.
So I sit and write this post with a spring in my fingers and am not dwelling on changing anything that I have written. Small steps......

Monday, August 9, 2010


I sit here wondering about the world around me. When some of us experience difficulties and hardship, well meaning and caring people will often say.... we have a lesson to learn, or that god doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. I ponder about these statements a lot. I guess I am seeking my spiritual self. To believe these statements is acknowledging that we are not in control of our lives and that it doesn't matter the choices we make as they are pre-destined. I like to think that I do have control over all the choices that I make. I know that I cannot control those around me who also make their own choices, but for it to be pre-destined? I also wonder at the belief that when people die - that it was their time to go. That they had learn't the lessons that they needed for this life. Are they saying that a 99 year old person is still to learn something or a baby who dies from sids had something to learn?? Or then it is turned around and statements are made that it may not have been the people who died that had a lesson to learn but those around them.
I am not at all trying to dis-respect anything that anyone has told me. I envy people with faith. I envy their beliefe that all will be well and that they can allow the terrible things that happen to have a greater meaning.
I seek faith, for me.
I have realised that my faith does not need to be that of anyone elses, but needs to be what sits with me each and every day. I am currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. This book is about one womans journey to find her faith, herself in the face of depression and distance from life.
It has made me think about me and the needs that I have to be part of the world of faith, but has empowered me to seek my version of it.
I wonder at the lessons that I may have had to learn from the experiences I have had?? I had thought my heart attack 2 years ago was an experience that made me appraciate life, but in hindsight (which is a wonderful thing) it seems to have been the start of my journey of self and life discovery.
I am close (not quite there totally yet) to believing that all that has happened may have been for the better...not the kids part of everything, because there is no way that I can see that as being a better situation,but posssibly the marriage breakdown and depression. I can see that I was not being my true self. That I was settling for things too often and that I was and am, worth more than I was receiving.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Australia Zoo

Sierra and I had a great day at the zoo today. We went with Deb, Nathan and Emma. It was lovely spending time with this lovely threesome. Sierra, god bless her, is working on not whinging about everything. It seems to only happen with me. I think she saves it all up on the week I don't have her and then lets me have it. Some weeks it is very difficult, other weeks she is great.
Some have pothesised (?) that she may be blaming me for everything and feels like I abondoned her. I certainly do feel like that, I mean how does a three year old deal with being away from either parent for 7 days?? No contact, nothing.
It is what I am now fighting for. It is the only thing important enough to fight for.


So here I am taking another step in moving forward. I have started to try and heal difficult wounds from the past.I have tried to apologise to old friends who I lost along the way and now I am beginning to try and work out what it is that I want out of my life.
Dating is an interesting thing. It isn't that I want to jump right on in to another relationship...I think it is about feeling like you are worth something. I realise however that I need to feel like I am worth something to myself before anyone else could. I am working hard on that. At times I feel extremely worthless. I feel ugly and seem to believe that there couldn't possibly be anyone out there who could or would love me.
I know this is wrong because I do have someone who loves me. This person continues to stand at the side, constantly at their own bus stop. I would like nothing more than to fling myself into their arms and stop this constant to and fro of lifes difficulties...but I cannot. I have, as most of you know, had some issues with my sexuality over the last few years. It is not that I need to attatch a label to myself, but it is a journey about who I am, what I want and where my direction is. I need to know ME. Maybe I will never know what I am seeking, but I owe it to myself to find out before I make any major decisions.
So I am starting to date. It has so far been interesting. I wish there was a book on what do you say when you first meet someone, how should you behave. I am sure it won't come as a surprise to any that I am a tad bit sarcastic. Can be quite cutting at times. I think that maybe one of my lessons is to try and curb my tendency to make smartarse remarks....even if they are really funny.
So I start on another path that may or may not be useful, but at least I feel like I am making progress, at least I feel like I am moving forward, and at least for a while, when I meet someone new, I can be my old self again, without the strain of all the stuff swirling about. At least for a little while.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bus Stop

The funny thing about waiting at the bus stop is the chance it gives you to reflect on all the thoughts in your head. I am however sick of analysing my thoughts and feelings, my actions and reactions. I think I know myself more now than I ever have. At times it is nice to be able to look outside of yourself and honestly see the person you really are. In saying this, it is also difficult to see that person with all the faults and flaws that you generally try to pretend is not there.
I have been able to see that while I have always wanted to make all the right decisions and choices, and worked hard at doing so, I am human, and I am not perfect.
My journey is now one of trying to love myself once again for who I am, the good, the bad, the annoying; and to forgive myself. I think the hardest part will be to forgive me. So I will sit at the bus stop and work on accepting me for who I am, and start the process of forgivness, because without forgiving myself I cannot move forward, or backwards or sideways, if I can't forgive myself I will continue to be stuck waiting for the bus.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

At the bus stop.

So here I am once again blogging....wow twice in 2 weeks...this is progress.
I guess I am a bit hesitant to blog too much anymore about the truly personal stuff. I mean I don't think that I have said anything that isn't true, and when I do try and let off steam I try to be fair, but I am concerned that the stuff that I am putting out there, may be used against me at a future time.I worry that I can be accussed of defamation and the like and that what if people who i don't want to read this, actually do??? It is perplexing
So I will try and just talk in a general way about the things that are happening to me and see how that sits in my mind.
So on Monday I made real progress in my ability to deal with stressfull and distressing situations. I made sure that I had grace and dignity and that I did not cry in front of the 2 people that I never want to cry in front of.
I am slowly getting my spirit back. At times I have felt like I was nearly there....here I was on the edge of my life again. I had been waiting at the bus stop and finally a bus was stopping that I could get onto. Unfortunately it had no more room so it left without me and left me standing there at the bus stop once again. 2 steps forward and 5 back.
I guess on the bright side there is some movement, and movement at least means that I am alive and not in a bag somewhere.
So here I stand at the bus stop waiting to see if I can get on one of the many buses that pass me, at least today I am ok to wait. At least today I hold the timetable in my hand, it is just the destination that I seek.