So here I am taking another step in moving forward. I have started to try and heal difficult wounds from the past.I have tried to apologise to old friends who I lost along the way and now I am beginning to try and work out what it is that I want out of my life.
Dating is an interesting thing. It isn't that I want to jump right on in to another relationship...I think it is about feeling like you are worth something. I realise however that I need to feel like I am worth something to myself before anyone else could. I am working hard on that. At times I feel extremely worthless. I feel ugly and seem to believe that there couldn't possibly be anyone out there who could or would love me.
I know this is wrong because I do have someone who loves me. This person continues to stand at the side, constantly at their own bus stop. I would like nothing more than to fling myself into their arms and stop this constant to and fro of lifes difficulties...but I cannot. I have, as most of you know, had some issues with my sexuality over the last few years. It is not that I need to attatch a label to myself, but it is a journey about who I am, what I want and where my direction is. I need to know ME. Maybe I will never know what I am seeking, but I owe it to myself to find out before I make any major decisions.
So I am starting to date. It has so far been interesting. I wish there was a book on what do you say when you first meet someone, how should you behave. I am sure it won't come as a surprise to any that I am a tad bit sarcastic. Can be quite cutting at times. I think that maybe one of my lessons is to try and curb my tendency to make smartarse remarks....even if they are really funny.
So I start on another path that may or may not be useful, but at least I feel like I am making progress, at least I feel like I am moving forward, and at least for a while, when I meet someone new, I can be my old self again, without the strain of all the stuff swirling about. At least for a little while.