Thursday, February 25, 2010

Once a bully, always a bully?

At times I sit back and look at the difficult points in my life now...most of course revolve around Michael and his treatment of me. At times I feel overwhelmed with where I am. At times I do not feel like I can put one foot in front of the other one. It is just TOO hard.
Of course I have to keep going. Of course it will all work out in the end, but living through it each and every day, having to be the person inside it, feeling it, is so difficult.
He made me cry again today. He makes me doubt myself. He makes me feel like everything is my fault. He makes me feel powerless and worthless. I do not want to give him this power over me. I do not want him to think that he can dictate the course of the decisions we will make for our children.
I have no choice but to seek help outside of him and I. I didn't want to. I don't enjoy spending money on people to help us agree on things. I have refrained. I have chosen to try and to believe and give the benefit of the doubt. But I can no longer do this. He is not someone who can be reasonable to me. He still holds me as responsible for what happened between us. He did at one time accept equal responsibility of what occurred, but now??? Of course it is all me.
I feel the weight of this on my shoulders. I feel suffocated at times by where I am and what has happened. I feel surounded by the choices I have made and the repercousions of them. I just go round and round and round. I am stuck on a merry-go-round and at times it stops and I get a fleeting glimpse of getting off, but then it starts up again and I haven't been able to move more than a few steps.
I am sure those of you who read this will get that feeling too. You feel quite pleased with the progress that I have made and I get lots of positive posts of how well I am doing.....then I write a post like this tonight, and the progress that seemed to have occurred, is cast aside and forgotten.
I do not want to be on this merry-go-round. Iwant to hop off. I guess that this will not happen till I stop allowing him to have this power over me. I will not get off until I can find a place in my own self that is far away from his words, his actions and the hurt he can so easily inflict.
So I continue to walk my walk and feel my feel and cry my cry.....

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