Monday, August 9, 2010


I sit here wondering about the world around me. When some of us experience difficulties and hardship, well meaning and caring people will often say.... we have a lesson to learn, or that god doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. I ponder about these statements a lot. I guess I am seeking my spiritual self. To believe these statements is acknowledging that we are not in control of our lives and that it doesn't matter the choices we make as they are pre-destined. I like to think that I do have control over all the choices that I make. I know that I cannot control those around me who also make their own choices, but for it to be pre-destined? I also wonder at the belief that when people die - that it was their time to go. That they had learn't the lessons that they needed for this life. Are they saying that a 99 year old person is still to learn something or a baby who dies from sids had something to learn?? Or then it is turned around and statements are made that it may not have been the people who died that had a lesson to learn but those around them.
I am not at all trying to dis-respect anything that anyone has told me. I envy people with faith. I envy their beliefe that all will be well and that they can allow the terrible things that happen to have a greater meaning.
I seek faith, for me.
I have realised that my faith does not need to be that of anyone elses, but needs to be what sits with me each and every day. I am currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. This book is about one womans journey to find her faith, herself in the face of depression and distance from life.
It has made me think about me and the needs that I have to be part of the world of faith, but has empowered me to seek my version of it.
I wonder at the lessons that I may have had to learn from the experiences I have had?? I had thought my heart attack 2 years ago was an experience that made me appraciate life, but in hindsight (which is a wonderful thing) it seems to have been the start of my journey of self and life discovery.
I am close (not quite there totally yet) to believing that all that has happened may have been for the better...not the kids part of everything, because there is no way that I can see that as being a better situation,but posssibly the marriage breakdown and depression. I can see that I was not being my true self. That I was settling for things too often and that I was and am, worth more than I was receiving.

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