Yes I reached a milestone in my life today...I went on my first ever date. I have never been on one before and I was very nervous. What to say? What to wear? What to do? So I just got on with it and jumped in.
I guess some people would be thinking, why am I going on a date? Aren't I with Dani? I think that some have believed that we have been together all this time, and that maybe I was not telling the whole truth about things. And really, it isn't any body's business. I know that. But this blog is for me to tell it like it is, warts and all.
I left Michael for Dani. Fact. I moved in with Dani. Fact. But what some do not know is we moved in together for convienience more than anything else. I needed a home for my children. I had tried staying at my mums but it was too difficult , I stayed at my friend's but small children and teenagers don't mix. I needed to have a place where we could relax, Dani needed a place. So we did move in together. In hindsight it was something that we should not have done. I should have moved to somewhere by myself. But I didn't have enough money and quite honestly I was scared. Scared to be by myself and without emotional support. Dani gave me that. I did not realise my true mental state at the time. I think that is why I made choices that did not reflect the real ME. My emotional self had been torn and stretched. I had always been able to cope before. I had always juggled 50 balls at one time. Surely I could do it now? Just because my dad died and I had had a heart attack shouldn't have mattered? But they did matter and I was on a rollercoaster that i could not stop.
Dani has been a tower of strength to me and me to her. I think we were drawn to each other on an unconcious level. Both of us were heading into the most difficult time of our lives.
Dani and I are friends. We do spend lots of time together. I do rely on her for a huge amount of stuff. She still listens to me cry. She never tells me to go away. I care about her very much and I can see that if we were together that we would be happy. But I am in a place where I have to find me. I have to know for sure what it is that I want in my life. I do not want to use her and then when I am finished throw her away and say sorry. So she sits and waits, she listens and helps. She supports and loves.
I am on a path to find out who I am and what I want. If I am to stand up and say that I am in a same sex relationship then I need to be sure. I use to think that it wasn't a big issue, but it is. If I have to tell my children that this is me, then I have to have no doubts.I do not want to put them through more difficulty. I do not want them to be confused or embarrassed. I want to be able to tell them that this is me and that it is ok and nothing to be ashamed of.
So I went on a date with a man. No sparks. No fireworks. No new understandings.
But I have stepped outside my comfort zone. I have stood up and tried to throw the shackles off. I have tried to move past the hurt of the past year and look forward to new things. Good or bad, I am moving forward. I am on my way. I am not going to look back.
I am trying to "Sieze the Day" and I am starting to believe that I am worth it.