Monday, February 15, 2010

Being a mother

I have been thinking a lot today about my kids. I mean I think about them all the time, but it is coming up to Blayne's 7th birthday and I have been reminiscing.
I aways new that I wanted to be a mum. I was always scared that it might never happen, so that pessimistic side always thought about the alternatives, maybe that can be classed as my optimistic?? Who knows?
I have always tried to look at all the ways things might turn out. Why? Maybe because I don't like surprises. I guess it is related to me always reading the last chapter in a book. I need to know what everything would be like. I use to play the "What if?" game with Michael all the time. What if we had an accident? What if we couldn't have children? What if? What if? What if?
I use to sit on the back of the motorbike and visualise us having an accident - I would fly off the bike, hit a tree, be lying on the ground in a particular position and would think about how I might feel, what would happen, how would my family react? Strange I know, but now I have a bit more of an insight......I don't like to not now what will happen.
Getting pregnant with Blayne was a surprise. Didn't see it coming!! But what a surprise. Apart form the constant sickness, tiredness and swelling I loved being pregnant, oh not to mention the nose bleeds, stretch marks, enlargement of my feet, carpul tunnel and stretching pains, I loved being pregnant.
I felt quite removed from Blayne when he was born. I thought that I would feel this instant attachment. I thought I would cry and love this little thing so much that I would be overwhelmed......but I wasn't. I actually didn't feel anything. I mean I wanted to make sure he was ok, but love? attachment? No I didn't.
It wasn't until about 5 days later when we got home that I felt attached to him. I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want to admit that I was this mother who didn't love her child. What would people think?
But of course I did fall in love with my beautiful baby boy. I never thought I could possibly love anyone else as much as I loved him. I guess we all feel that way about having another child. How could I possibly love my second baby as much as the first? Would I have enough love? We all know the answer to that now. It is amazing how much love we can have to give.
So I sit here thinking of my darling children and my hopes for their future. I worry that what I have been through in the last year will negatively impact on them now and in their future lives. I worry that I have damaged them. Will they forgive me for the choices I have made? Will they understand? Or will they judge me? Will they grow up to blame me for our broken family and the situation I put them in?
I am very scared about these things.
I always have put my children first in all things that I do, apart from leaving Michael. I was not able to stay and work it out. I was not able to find myself at home. I did not understand the forces that were upon me, and for that I will forever be regretful. I am truely sad for the way everything is now. I am truely sorry for the choices I had to make.But I am moving forward. I am finally starting to accept that I cannot change the past. I can only look towards my future. I am very lucky that I have only been through a marriage breakup - my children aren't fighting a terrible disease, they are not disabled, I have a good job, I have great friends, I am healthy (generally, apart from when I am seeking attention) I love my family and they love me.
I have so much to be thankful for. I have so much to look forward to. I am actually very lucky!!! (is that the old Katrina rising above the ruins? Maybe??)

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