My last night in this home. Last night in the home I dreamed about, built and lived in as a mother, wife and partner.
I kick myself for coming back here after I had left....but really I had to. I had to have closure and I had to find out the right path for me to take.
Living here, being in this house is not the right path. I have struggled being here. I had lots of old happy memories.....my kids were born into this home, so many milestones and celebrations were centered around this home and the family that we were within it. But with it now are sadder memories, struggles and heartbreak. Not just about my marriage but the other experiences that I have had along the way.
How do I feel???? Well I drank a bottle of wine out of the bottle......I guess that says something..... Had a few tears along the way.....threw a few items around.....
I have so many 'I should ofs and I could haves'..... but at the end of the day I must accept where I am. I need to take responsibility for the actions that I have taken, the decisions that I made, the choices I thought were right, the indecision that I fought against....but the bottom line is that this is my life. This is where I am. This is who I am. Do I like me???? Not really but I am getting there. Do I love me....not really but I know that I have to, to heal the brokenness that I feel all around me. When I think about it all too much I feel myself plummeting down the dark tunnel that at times I have felt sure would consume me. That tunnel, my tunnel is a place that came very close to enveloping me recently. That tunnel, my tunnel was overwhelming, I nearly gave in to the blackness that it encouraged, the quiet it promised and the peace it recommended.
Of course I am grateful that I am here. I am grateful that I did not give in to the lure, that I did not succumb to the selfishness that is the tunnel and its thoughts. I am grateful to true friends and I am grateful that I wake up every morning to the sun and to the light and to a new day.
But tonight, tonight I open myself up to the feelings of sadness and loss, to the feelings of loneliness and heartbreak, to the feelings of regret and betrayal, and to the feelings of worthlessness and helplessness.
Tomorrow however, is a new day. A new day where I will leave those feelings here, in this place, in this time. Tomorrow I move on.