Monday, September 6, 2010

The last wedding anniversary

So it is nearly done. My last offical wedding anniversary. I know that this time next year I will be divorced so I won't be able to say that it was my anniversary.
Difficult day.
Various feelings and emotions.
Sadness, regret, sorrow, mixed with a touch of anger and some relief.
The regret is of course related to the fact that I invested a huge amount of my life into that relationship. I believe in marriage. I believe in fedelity and honesty. I beleive in building your life with someone by your side. Sorrow because I lost my way.
The anger?? The anger continues to light a fire within for my children. To listen to my son talk about how sad he is, how WE need to find a SOLUTION (his words) to the situation that is his life. All he wants is to see me more often. He talks about how his dad has changed. He talks about how his week with me seems to flash by and that today, Monday, he starts to stress about how it is nearly the end of the week and he has to go back.
Breaks my heart.
Relief. Because now that the fog has lifted, I can clearly see once again the life I had and while I do wish for it in many ways, I do not wish for it in others. I no longer have to live constanly on edge, trying to convince those around me that the man I loved was a decent person. I don't have to make excuses anymore for behaviour that wasn't mine.
Now I cannot go into too much detail on this (as I have censorship issues with some of my readers, or fans as I refer to them) but there are things (sexually) that I now realise was never good. I just thought that was the way of it, but actully, no. I would seem that maybe, Michael and I were just not chemically suited.
So while I have allowed myself to be down about this, I am now done for today. I have to get off the bus stop. I realise that I am not getting on the bus, but I do see that I cannot continue to sit and wait.
My life is in my hands.
I just have to believe in myself enough to know that whatever is around my corner, will be fantastic!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Feeling rather low

Life is a very funny thing, as I have often reflected. I am feeling rather down at the moment and I hate it. I hate to feel like I am worthless, like I don't matter, and as much as I try and give myself a good stern talking to, at times it just doesn't work.
I am feeling this way due to a number of factors. I am sure there are some that even I am unaware of at this point in time and luckily for me really, because how much could I cope with at once? (actually I think I have coped with a hell of a lot more)
So why?
Tomorrow is my 13th wedding anniversary.(17 years together) I know that really I only made 11 and a half, not even 12, although this time last year I still truely believed that we were going to work it out.... I digress..... so yes I guess I remembering all the times, good and bad.
What do I really miss?
I miss the connection with a single other person. I miss the ease at which my life had. I miss the belief that I had a life plan. I mean I didn't know exactly where I was headed but knew the general direction. I miss the life I had, the fact that I had my kids all the time, (and yes it is every mothers dream to have a little alone time, but when you have no choice, when you can't see them, it is physically painful) I miss that we had shared experiences, I mean I had only known him my whole adult life.
It is so hard to remove yourself from those experiences, those feelings, those memories.
So here I sit in our house, the home we shared, where our children were conceived and our lives mapped out. Here I sit alone,and lonely. This will be my last anniversary, next year I will be divorced.
So I sit and ponder at what life might have been, but I am honestly trying to think that maybe,just maybe there are better things to come. That maybe the universe has other plans, and that maybe,just maybe life will once again have a plan, a meaning and a direction.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Bye Bye

So I am not going to see David anymore. He is the guy that I have been seeing, and whom I slept with. Why you may ask?? Was it because he had a small penis??? Was it because I received no sexual satifaction from our encounter?? Or is it becuase even though I understand that he doesn't want a relationship, he treats me like I don't exist????
Bingo if you guessed the last one. (how clever you are) Yes, he treats me like I am not worth his time. I mean, we slept together, and while it wasn't mind blowing, it wasn't too bad. The next day not even a small text of thanks or anything. Now I know you will be thinking...Katrina...he told you he didn't want what you wanted and you agreed to be friends with benefits....but for weeks we had also previously texted general stuff. Now that is all I wanted....something like...
"Gee Katrina, your amazing massage put me to sleep and while I snored away I acidently forgot about giving you any pleasure, however I will try harder next time" But alas, no such comment, no anything.
So I do not want to be a sad and pathetic 'chaser'. I am worth more than that.
Do I regret sleeping with him????? No, is the true and honest answer becuase I actually had to smash down some huge personal barriers to do so. So out of this I have actually gained a huge amount in terms of my personal confidence and I am certainly a hell of a lot more savvy when it comes to giving head. (ooh was that just too much information???, sorry)
So off I go back onto RSVP. But I am ok about it. It's all good.
Onward, upward and forward....