Friday, February 11, 2011

End of an Era

My last night in this home. Last night in the home I dreamed about, built and lived in as a mother, wife and partner.

I kick myself for coming back here after I had left....but really I had to. I had to have closure and I had to find out the right path for me to take.
Living here, being in this house is not the right path. I have struggled being here. I had lots of old happy kids were born into this home, so many milestones and celebrations were centered around this home and the family that we were within it. But with it now are sadder memories, struggles and heartbreak. Not just about my marriage but the other experiences that I have had along the way.

How do I feel???? Well I drank a bottle of wine out of the bottle......I guess that says something..... Had a few tears along the way.....threw a few items around.....

I have so many 'I should ofs and I could haves'..... but at the end of the day I must accept where I am. I need to take responsibility for the actions that I have taken, the decisions that I made, the choices I thought were right, the indecision that I fought against....but the bottom line is that this is my life. This is where I am. This is who I am. Do I like me???? Not really but I am getting there. Do I love me....not really but I know that I have to, to heal the brokenness that I feel all around me. When I think about it all too much I feel myself plummeting down the dark tunnel that at times I have felt sure would consume me. That tunnel, my tunnel is a place that came very close to enveloping me recently. That tunnel, my tunnel was overwhelming, I nearly gave in to the blackness that it encouraged, the quiet it promised and the peace it recommended.
Of course I am grateful that I am here. I am grateful that I did not give in to the lure, that I did not succumb to the selfishness that is the tunnel and its thoughts. I am grateful to true friends and I am grateful that I wake up every morning to the sun and to the light and to a new day.

But tonight, tonight I open myself up to the feelings of sadness and loss, to the feelings of loneliness and heartbreak, to the feelings of regret and betrayal, and to the feelings of worthlessness and helplessness.

Tomorrow however, is a new day. A new day where I will leave those feelings here, in this place, in this time. Tomorrow I move on.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A new year and a new beginning

It has been many months since I last blogged. My life took another dip, another pothole on the road, but I am not going to talk about it at the moment.
I am not really one for making resolutions for a new year...well not from the usual daily resolutions to loose weight and get fit......but this year is different. I do not see them as resolutions, more goals for the betterment of my life.
I am sick and tired of feeling down. I never used to be like this. Nothing could get me down for long. I always tried to look on the bright side and see the silver lining no matter what. I have lost that in the last 2 and a half years. I have allowed that positivity that was such an integral part of who I was, to be pushed aside. I found it very hard to cope. I found everything very difficult and even though I tried to get above it...I never could. I guess I just wasn't ready. My mind and heart was still grieving and it didn't matter that I wanted to make different choices or decisions..I never could. Something always held me back. The information says that it takes half the amount of time you were in a relationship to recover......Hell!!! I was with M for 17 years. It is coming close to 2 years and I think that I am finally in a place of acceptance and understanding. I am not 'over it' That will take a very long time. But I can finally see the light at the end of a very long tunnel.
My heart is very broken at the moment (again) but I will not allow myself to head back into the dark place that I was for a very long time.
So what do you ask are my goals???? Well I have decided to stop being so god-damned self-indulgent. No more 'poor me', 'why me?' This year will be about giving back to the community. I have signed up for Shave for a Cure (March) I have always wanted to shave my head..... I have also signed up for a volunteer position at the local nursing home. I am also looking at making sewn items and donating them to the home, or hospital etc. I am not sure if this position is for me, but it is a start.
Hopefully I can really start to say goodbye to my demons and start living my life again, a life filled with laughter, joy, fulfillment, and eventually - love.