Table for six

Just getting ready to head off for my first dinner date with table for six. It is like a singles dinner club. 3 guys and 3 girls. I will be dining at a french restaurant at milton.
Why I am I doing this some may ask?
I just want to get out and be doing things on the weeks that I don't have my kids. I want to meet some new people and have a good time. I want to regain some of the self confidence that I have lost. I want to sieze the day!!
So I have showered and I am ready to see where this new experience takes me.
It is nice to look forward to something again.
On a different note I hit the night life at the Caboolture RSL last eve and Oh my!! It is very different to what it used to be. It is more a night club type arrangement.
Lovely to mix with the Caboolture people once again. (sarcasm if you wearn't sure) I was very surprised to realise the large gay population in the area. Maybe I am just more attuned to seeing what is around me these days as I cannot recall seeing too many lesbians when I used to hit the Morayfield Tavern and RSL when I was 18.
Anyway I will be off and give you all the lowdown on the morrow!!
Cheers.

The Fight Begins

I am in a place that I had hoped I would never be...
Michael is removing both the children from their respective childcare positions and relocating them elsewhere. I will not be told where.
His belief is that I should not have access to the children on his week unless he gives permission and approval. I informed him that he could not stop me.
So here I sit. Lost, alone, broken??? Yes and no. I know in my heart, right dowm deep that everything that I have done and am doing is for my children. I visit them to say hi and give them a hug. I read to them and play. I reassure them that even though they are not with me,that I love them.
What is honestly so bad with that? Why is he so determined for me not to see them? Blayne asks me to come and see him. We read a book and sometimes I bring some afternoon tea. Is this the work of a shallow, selfish, underhand and nasty person? Apparently he believes so. I want to kick and scream and hit out at everything. I want to hold my babies and never let them go. How do I not see them and talk to them and hold them and love them for 7 days at a time?
I guess he sees this as my punishment.
But haven't I been punished enough??? I feel like I have been punished for quite a while now. I do not want to slip back into the self doubt and the belief that the world is just too hard. I know I need to fight and I will, for my children and for me. I just don't feel it at the moment. I will tomorrow.
But tonight I just want to curl up and scream and scream and scream to the powers that be. I want to cry and pour my heart out. I want to hold my kids and never let them go. I want to pierce the night with my voice sying that I have had enough.
Enough is enough....enough is enough...

The Hard Road Begins

Lots of messages between Michael and I today. I informed him of my mediation appointment (as per the suggestion of the mediator)I let him know that they would contact him. What do you think was his response?
I also was shocked to know that he refuses to attend any mediation that is not court ordered. I know you also are surprised by this. Michael is not one to be so difficult.
So here I sit knowing that the shit will begin. He has let me know that he willmake sure the journey is slow and expensive. He gave me a choice to agree with him and do what he wants or he will drag it out.He obviously hasn't had any true legal advice...I guess the internet hasn't provided him with the information that he wants.
He continues to use my visits with my children on his weeks as his ammunition to try and manipulate the situation. Both the mediator and the solicitor said he could not do this. He always thinks he is right.
So I guess I need to prepare myself for a messy time. He does not seem to have anyone around him that is helping him to see anythng from somebody elses point of
view. No surprise really.

It just makes me really sad......

Mediation

I went for my first mediation appointment today at the Family Relationship Centre at Strathpine. You know it is amazing the emotions you go through. I had not sent any more messages to Michael after his last message about me respecting his new relationship, and was feeling in control. I still feel in control but he just plays with my head.
I spoke to the bank the other day and found out that he hasn't payed the mortgage since January. He hadn't told me and now it is in doubt if I will be able to get a loan on my own in the near future. I was so cranky. I got on the phone and sent off a terse text that requested his call as soon as possible. I then realised that he of course wouldn't ring me regardless. He is gutless especially when he has been caught out to have done the wrong thing. So I told him what I expected him to do. No emotion, no crap. He did, and then suddenly I have friendly e-mails, chatty e-mails, e-mails that would appear to indicate that everything is well in the land of separation. I have continued to stay strong and not try and be sucked back into the cycle. I will no longer allow him to make me feel like the pathetic individual that he evokes in me.
So I went for my appointment, I have put the process in place, I have tried the nice nice and now I cannot do it anymore. I must stay strong and put the needs of my children first. This is about them. This is about their continued well being.
I don't think that he will take it well. I don't think he will believe that this is for the best.
So I sit here on the precipice (I know Suzy wrong spelling) It will go one of 2 ways. He will agree to the process and we may be able to get to a place that will work for us all, or he will ark up and go in head first. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
Come what may........

New start???? (Let's hope so)

Well I do believe that something has pinged in me this week past. I rang Michael on Monday and asked if we could meet. I did say that I was having a tough time emotionally with everything at the moment. I specifically said that we needed to talk about all the shit, the animosity, the e-mails the crap. I said that I didn't want to have to involve solicitors etc and that we needed to be able to wotk together for the kids. He agreed and said that he would drop over and discuss these things with me. I got off the phone feeling really good, like I had achieved something. Hoping that finally we would be able to nut out the issues.
That night I received an e-mail stating that I was not to call him and only e-mails would be accepted. I was devestated. He had done it to me again. Just when I thought we were going to get somewhere he changed the goal posts once again.
The next night, after I did not respond to his message I received another charmer saying..and I quote

"I am with Anneleis now, and I don't think you're taking that relationship seriously. As you can imagine, I share everything with her, including communication I've had with you during the day. I don't want her to think that you are forcing yourself on me and disregarding her, when I have chosen to be with her."

I just wanted to talk things out and he seems to think I am throwing myself at him.

Who the hell does he think he is? I give up. I totally do. I have tried the nice way, I have tried to put everything aside to try and do what is best for my children. I have humbled myself over and over again to try and right the wrongs. I have felt guilt on top of guilt. But enough is enough.
I have my first mediation appointment on Tuesday. I will no longer lower myself and try to talk things through. He can *#ck off!!

I have not cried for nearly a week. I have not wanted or needed to talk to him. I did not respond to his messages.
I really feel like I am emerging from the darkness. I feel like I am starting to believe that I am worth more and what I had with Michael was working because I MADE IT WORK!! I do not need to make it work now. I need to focus on me, on what my needs are. What I want.

Finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Finally I am standing up and shouting. Finally I am looking after me!!

Tears

Went to see the new Sandra Bullock movie, the one she won the academy award for. No surprises to know that I cried. A story about a wonderful person who changes the life of a homeless boy. It showed a very loving husband and wife and of course it broke my heart.
Why? I feel ripped off. I miss being in a relationship. I miss being with that someone who "has got your back". I look back and while I know that Michael loved me, he didn't really have my back. He didn't do emotion and whether that stemmed from his shitty childhood or not, he wasn't emotionally there for me.
So I cry for a marriage that has run its course and I cry for my kids who I hope don't grow up the same way, and I cry for me who sits here alone with everything to give, but who looks around to an empty space.
So anyway the movie was great. Very inspiring.
Good night all.

A good step forward

I was wasting time in Target today, (some say it is the only store I go to)but I was there looking around when I happened upon a beautiful little scrapbook with 2 little owls. Now I know Deb loves owls, but I also, have had a liking for cute little owls for some time. Suddenly I was hit with inspiration.
I have decided to make myself a "My life is worthwhile" journal. In it I will scrapbook all the things that I love, like or am grateful for. That way, when I am having one of my low points, I will get it out and remind myself why I shouldn't keep thinking of ways to walk away from my life and end it all.
I really think it was fate as many months ago I had bought a paper block and embellishments that are the same turquoise colour with owls. I have found it very difficult to even think about doing anything scrapbooky, as my scrapbooks have always been about my families journey. I just can't go there at the moment. It is too painful and raw. Maybe this way, this project may help me find my mojo once again. I hope so.
P.S. Suzy keeps commenting on my posts, and while I love her supportive and inspirational comments, I have had enough of the comments about my spelling. So Suzy, I am sure that I have once again misspelled many words, I do not have auto check, I do not have a dictionary, and my stupid computer seems to have spasms at random times while I type, putting words hither and there. So please excuse the mistakes, I am sure once my blog is published in book form, that the editor will fix ip up. Cheers

This One's for Dani!!

I know that it has been a little while since I last blogged,how do I know this? Well Dani only tells me every time she sees me that she checks my blog each night and is dissapointed because once again I have failed to discuss my terribly pathetic life for all and sundry to share. Dissapointed someone again. Not a new emotion for me to inflict on others, but one I thought I would rectify tonight.
So here I am, about a month away from Michael applying for a divorce. How do i feel? Well I have had some very difficult days and weeks. He seems to be able to push all my buttons to make me truly believe that everything was my fault and continues to be my fault. He knows how to make me feel like I am a failure at everything.
I have decided to stop giving him the power over me. I have to stop taking everything on board. It wasn't all my fault. I have to give him half of the blame. I have to accept that I made mistakes and forgive me. Am I worth forgiving? I am trying to believe that I am.
So I make another sweeping statement of moving on and looking forward and not back. I wonder how long I will last this time?????

Me

Have had questions of why haven't I blogged for nearly a week?
Well, sometimes I feel like I just keep going over and over the same shite!! It does my head in so I think who really wants to continually read the same sad stuff?
I am trying really hard but on the weeks that I do not have my children, I struggle. I struggle to feel like a worthwhile person. I am a mother - with no children.
That is how I feel. At the beginning of sharing the children I didn't feel it. Why? I was numb. I guess I needed such an emotional break, that I didn't experience the pain and the loss and the heartbreak. I guess I also believed that it was temporary. I did think we would get back together. But now...to accept that this is my life. That this is the way it is and the way it is going to be......destroys my soul.
I think about those babies in my womb, in my arms, in my heart and I am lost.
So I sit here alone. I sit here trying to understand where I go from here. What do I do? How do I go on?
I do not have the answers, I will just have to continue to sit and think and dwell and live..
One day,apparently I won't have to feel this lost. I have been told by so many well meaning people that I will be fine. Things happen for a reason. There is something better out there for me.
But what if everything doesn't happen for a reason? What if we only get one chance and if you blow it, you lose. What if I have already had my chance? What if I have already lost?