Well it has been one of those days that are often sent to test us. Are we as strong as we thought we were, can we cope with things bashing us in the face, am I as emotionally tough as I feel that I am???
I am happy and relieved to say that the answer to that is YES I AM!!
Papers came today from a certain persons solicitor (who shall remain nameless). I was upset, and pissed off and for a moment I felt like crying.Not because I was sad, but because I was so MAD!! The papers included a draft consent order discussing amicable this and with discussion that. Is he mentally ill??? I actually think he is. I mean I have just terminated mediation because not just me but OTHERS see that he is not able to put the children first and seems to have a total disregard for anybody elses opinion that is different to his own.
What the fuck is he on??? I want to know because I would love some so that I can believe that I am always right, that I can do whatever I like.
Sorry for the swearing but really, it is the only word that does apply....
So I have an appointment tomorrow with my person, so it begins, it has started, it is on, no turning back, no stopping for a breath, no nothing..........
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
The best night out - EVER
Now, I have had some fantastic times. Who could forget scrapbooking weekend 2008, at Melissa's place. Mama Mia...say no more. I think the tears that streamed down Toni's face are still imprinted on all of our minds. But I have to say that my night out last night rates up there with the best I have ever had!!
There were only 3 of us, but boy did we party!!! Our cheeks are still sore from all the laughing. What did we do you my ask???? Nothing out of the ordinary but we were all in the right frame of mind and the night was FABULOUS!!
Kym, Dani and I stayed in the city, met some great people, danced and drank (yes me, while I don't think you could say that I was pissed, I did get pissey and at times I couldn't stand up from all of the laughing. It was a big step for me who has never been technically drunk, I certainly had moments of fuzz but moments of clarity also)
I love to dress up and put myself out there so I had decided that I wanted to mohawk my hair and paint my face - ala Lady GaGa (who incidently I don't really like but in a club her music rocks!!) I don't think this would come as a shock to anyone who knows me. I have no problem with feather boas, knee high boots etc. So what did I do??? Walking around in the city, I was called to a shop by the universe, and there staring at me was a long purple wig. I fell in love and just had to have it.
I ended up just being a star at the club. Who would think that a club like The Beat I would be interesting. (and yes it is a gay bar, but there are a wide range of people who go there and the atmosphere is electric) so me in my wig....HUGE hit. I was called outrageous. I was chatted up by men and women and the quote of the night was when a young boy of 25 asked my age....when he heard 36 he was dumbstruck and exclaimed "you are the hotest 36 year old I have ever seen!!"
So the laughing, the dancing, the sangria and the vibe all combined in the universe to tell me that I am alive, that I am free and that I am fabulous!!!
There were only 3 of us, but boy did we party!!! Our cheeks are still sore from all the laughing. What did we do you my ask???? Nothing out of the ordinary but we were all in the right frame of mind and the night was FABULOUS!!
Kym, Dani and I stayed in the city, met some great people, danced and drank (yes me, while I don't think you could say that I was pissed, I did get pissey and at times I couldn't stand up from all of the laughing. It was a big step for me who has never been technically drunk, I certainly had moments of fuzz but moments of clarity also)
I love to dress up and put myself out there so I had decided that I wanted to mohawk my hair and paint my face - ala Lady GaGa (who incidently I don't really like but in a club her music rocks!!) I don't think this would come as a shock to anyone who knows me. I have no problem with feather boas, knee high boots etc. So what did I do??? Walking around in the city, I was called to a shop by the universe, and there staring at me was a long purple wig. I fell in love and just had to have it.
I ended up just being a star at the club. Who would think that a club like The Beat I would be interesting. (and yes it is a gay bar, but there are a wide range of people who go there and the atmosphere is electric) so me in my wig....HUGE hit. I was called outrageous. I was chatted up by men and women and the quote of the night was when a young boy of 25 asked my age....when he heard 36 he was dumbstruck and exclaimed "you are the hotest 36 year old I have ever seen!!"
So the laughing, the dancing, the sangria and the vibe all combined in the universe to tell me that I am alive, that I am free and that I am fabulous!!!
Friday, August 27, 2010
The 'date'
I know many of you would like to know how my date went last night. I also know that at times I have written about these types of things and left you hanging about the results.....table for six ring a bell?? So I thought I had better fill you in before I get hate vibes across the universe..
I guess I would describe it as an interesting insight into my views on people and maybe the stereotypes that I hold within me,even when I try not to have them. So I met Troy last night. We had spoken on the phone once and he had sent me a few texts over the week. Nothing amazing or cute or sexy or anything, just basic communication. His texts were not grammatically correct or structured. He didn't try to be funny or cute. So when we spoke, he did sound as I expected. (rude of me really, at times I really am a snob) He is a tiler and he did sound very "ocker" if you know what I mean. A real tradie.
So he made a dinner booking at what actually was a very lovely restaurant at Mooloolaba. At first glance he was good looking, had a lovely body and I have to say that the thing I look for the most to make judgement about a guy is his shoes. He had nice, trendy shoes. He dressed very sunshine coast. Nice surfy jeans and shirt. So I was surprised. The food was expensive and I did actually order the most expensive thing on the menu, not because he was paying but because it was what I wanted.
I have to say that I spent most of the night talking, and he spent it drinking. He never attempted to engage me in conversation about me. I asked him a lot of questions and found out that he appears to live in a world that money is no problem. He likes the horses and I was horrified to hear that he will spend thousands at the track most weekends. When paying the bill, he pulled out a wad of hundreds, with a rubber band..... That blew mw away. And me being me I made comment on this. "Wow, never seen anyone do that before" He thought that was hilarious and offerred me the money he was going to leave for the tip....Obviously I was a sad, poor person.
So it was done, no talk of seeing each other again. I offerred to drive him home as he was catching a cab, drinker that he is. On the way we stopped off at the bottle shop. Classic.
So there we are another experience. Another step. Another day.
I guess I would describe it as an interesting insight into my views on people and maybe the stereotypes that I hold within me,even when I try not to have them. So I met Troy last night. We had spoken on the phone once and he had sent me a few texts over the week. Nothing amazing or cute or sexy or anything, just basic communication. His texts were not grammatically correct or structured. He didn't try to be funny or cute. So when we spoke, he did sound as I expected. (rude of me really, at times I really am a snob) He is a tiler and he did sound very "ocker" if you know what I mean. A real tradie.
So he made a dinner booking at what actually was a very lovely restaurant at Mooloolaba. At first glance he was good looking, had a lovely body and I have to say that the thing I look for the most to make judgement about a guy is his shoes. He had nice, trendy shoes. He dressed very sunshine coast. Nice surfy jeans and shirt. So I was surprised. The food was expensive and I did actually order the most expensive thing on the menu, not because he was paying but because it was what I wanted.
I have to say that I spent most of the night talking, and he spent it drinking. He never attempted to engage me in conversation about me. I asked him a lot of questions and found out that he appears to live in a world that money is no problem. He likes the horses and I was horrified to hear that he will spend thousands at the track most weekends. When paying the bill, he pulled out a wad of hundreds, with a rubber band..... That blew mw away. And me being me I made comment on this. "Wow, never seen anyone do that before" He thought that was hilarious and offerred me the money he was going to leave for the tip....Obviously I was a sad, poor person.
So it was done, no talk of seeing each other again. I offerred to drive him home as he was catching a cab, drinker that he is. On the way we stopped off at the bottle shop. Classic.
So there we are another experience. Another step. Another day.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Date Night
Well I am about to once again get ready for a FIRST date. I have had a few of these recently and while nothing much has come out of them, I must admit to enjoying it.
I guess if I put on my counsellors hat, one might say that I am experiencing things that I did not experience when I was younger. Michael and I met when I was 18 and that was that. He was the only man that I had ever dated (and really we didn't even date) Michael was the only man that I had ever slept with and the only experience that I have known as an adult of being with a man. So I will admit to being somewhat excited at times about the possibilty of experiencing those things again. Possibly a lot of things for the First time.
I do readily admit that I am terrified of many parts of dating. The what if's and all the negative thoughts that like to twist and turn within my, some would say, interesting thought processes.
But here I sit thinking "I will not harbour unhealthy thoughts anymore" and so I will go forth into the unknown and not dwell or twist or over think or do anything than just let things go as they will and be as they will.
Who knows what might happen....I don't, and for once in my life, I will not seek out the answer, I will not try and read the last chapter......mmmmm is that a lesson I have learnt??????
I guess if I put on my counsellors hat, one might say that I am experiencing things that I did not experience when I was younger. Michael and I met when I was 18 and that was that. He was the only man that I had ever dated (and really we didn't even date) Michael was the only man that I had ever slept with and the only experience that I have known as an adult of being with a man. So I will admit to being somewhat excited at times about the possibilty of experiencing those things again. Possibly a lot of things for the First time.
I do readily admit that I am terrified of many parts of dating. The what if's and all the negative thoughts that like to twist and turn within my, some would say, interesting thought processes.
But here I sit thinking "I will not harbour unhealthy thoughts anymore" and so I will go forth into the unknown and not dwell or twist or over think or do anything than just let things go as they will and be as they will.
Who knows what might happen....I don't, and for once in my life, I will not seek out the answer, I will not try and read the last chapter......mmmmm is that a lesson I have learnt??????
Strength
I sit here and think about the amazing strength that we carry within us each and every day. I have always felt like a strong and capable person and have always prided myself on having been able to juggle all the 'balls' that life has thrown at me. I guess it is why I found it so difficult when it became too hard for me to keep them all in the air.
I certainly feel that I have regained that inner strength once again, however I am changed. I have realised that I do not have to keep them all going. I can at times put one down and just focus on the most important ones. I have also realised that for much of my life with Michael, I had failed to juggle a particular ball at all - ME. I always let that one go. I would not only not pick it up, but I would push it away so that it wasn't even looked at. I became so good at ignoring this ball, that when it finally hit me in the face, I didn't recognise it.
I understand that I have always been a giver. I have liked to give and at times felt great joy in the giving process. What I failed to realise, was that even a person that loves to give, needs a little receiving. It didn't sit well with me. I have never accepted nor enjoyed compliments. I have always tried to be the first one to put myself down or make disbaraging comments about me. Mostly about those things that I was most insecure about.
It is ironic, that when people first get to know me, they believe the facade that I portray. The tough exterior, the say it like it is, the risk taker.But is that truly me?? At times it is, but at other times it is an act. It is the show I put on to hide the fact that I am actually a very insecure person, who while seemingly encouraging the spotlight, does so to disguise many a perceived flaw.
I am trying to get past this. I am trying to say...Well what is actually wrong with me? Now I could list a number of items, but again this is me jumping in when I don't need to. There is actually nothing wrong with me. I am a good and decent person. I may not be thin, but I am not ugly. I am lucky to have so many good things in my life and I need to make sure that I acknowledge and embrace them.
My favourite quote at the moment from EAT, PRAY, LOVE
I will not harbour unhealthy thoughts anymore
These are words to not only embrace but to live by. I want to start living .....
I certainly feel that I have regained that inner strength once again, however I am changed. I have realised that I do not have to keep them all going. I can at times put one down and just focus on the most important ones. I have also realised that for much of my life with Michael, I had failed to juggle a particular ball at all - ME. I always let that one go. I would not only not pick it up, but I would push it away so that it wasn't even looked at. I became so good at ignoring this ball, that when it finally hit me in the face, I didn't recognise it.
I understand that I have always been a giver. I have liked to give and at times felt great joy in the giving process. What I failed to realise, was that even a person that loves to give, needs a little receiving. It didn't sit well with me. I have never accepted nor enjoyed compliments. I have always tried to be the first one to put myself down or make disbaraging comments about me. Mostly about those things that I was most insecure about.
It is ironic, that when people first get to know me, they believe the facade that I portray. The tough exterior, the say it like it is, the risk taker.But is that truly me?? At times it is, but at other times it is an act. It is the show I put on to hide the fact that I am actually a very insecure person, who while seemingly encouraging the spotlight, does so to disguise many a perceived flaw.
I am trying to get past this. I am trying to say...Well what is actually wrong with me? Now I could list a number of items, but again this is me jumping in when I don't need to. There is actually nothing wrong with me. I am a good and decent person. I may not be thin, but I am not ugly. I am lucky to have so many good things in my life and I need to make sure that I acknowledge and embrace them.
My favourite quote at the moment from EAT, PRAY, LOVE
I will not harbour unhealthy thoughts anymore
These are words to not only embrace but to live by. I want to start living .....
Monday, August 23, 2010
Another Chapter Begins
Go to court go directly to court, do not pass go, do not collect any money, in fact be prepared to spend all your money on arsehole lawyers who care nothing for your situation or life. Oh and don't forget to leave your compassion, dignity and sense of humour at the courthouse door.
This has been a community announcement brought to you by another statistic.
This has been a community announcement brought to you by another statistic.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
On the road...
It has been a very productive weekend for the residents of this house. Mum, Beccy (yes I did say Beccy it is not a mistake) me and the kids, all rolled up our sleeves and got in and did a bit around the house. It was very empowering. Mum has bought a house and she is looking forward to having her own 'Home' again. I am excited as once she leaves this house will be on the market and hopefully not long after that, my life will start on its next path.
It's amazing that work was done. No work has been carried out on this house since we moved in. I just have had no motivation what so ever. Why??? Because as I have mentioned in previous blogs...this no longer feels like my home. It is just a shell in which the daily activities happen, but one in which there is no essence.
I hope the people who buy this house will once again fill it with love and family and make it a home once more.
I am more than ready to move on. I am in fact very excited. It will be the first time that I can make all of my own decisions.
It's amazing that work was done. No work has been carried out on this house since we moved in. I just have had no motivation what so ever. Why??? Because as I have mentioned in previous blogs...this no longer feels like my home. It is just a shell in which the daily activities happen, but one in which there is no essence.
I hope the people who buy this house will once again fill it with love and family and make it a home once more.
I am more than ready to move on. I am in fact very excited. It will be the first time that I can make all of my own decisions.
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