It has been quite a while since my last blog. Why? Who knows. I am sure I have a million reasons for not doing so but really I think I just got sick of hearing myself think. (so to speak)
Life is a bit hard at the moment. Lots has happened, but it all remains the same....if you know what I mean.
My mum and sister have moved out of my house. It is nice to have my space back and my time with my kids and all, but I do miss the company at times. I have madly been trying to clean the house which is taking ages. When I moved back in after Michael left the house was a huge mess. Every wall and door had marks and dirt and in some instances mould on them. We didn't get a chance to clean then, and to be honest I really had no compulsion to clean during the time from then till now. When I had my kids I was here but it as any mother knows can be mayhem, and when they were not here I had no motivation to be here either. I just could not do it at those times. I guess now I have moved on personally and while I still know that this was my 'family' home, it now has some different memories and I am feeling more comfortable withing its shell.
I have reflected on this 'house' and realise that it actually was always me that made it a 'home' so I know now that i can do that again if I choose to.
I am unsure of what the future holds for me with this house, I would like to sell and move on and forward but there are many things to be fixed, and while I could sell as is- who will honestly want to buy it with all the things that need to be done.
Dani - bless her cotton socks - is moving in to help me pay the mortgage that honestly I cannot afford on my own. I got paid today and after paying the paper bills, I have $200 dollars for food and life for the next 2 weeks. I am coping but I am certainly not getting ahead.
Anyway, I got some difficult news the other day about my health and I will need to have surgery with a 6-8 week recovery period. I must admit thinking "why me again?" but then again there are so many people much worse off and there are positives to the proceedure. I just struggle with the possible outcomes. I realise that in all honesty that i will be fine, but i need to think about the possibility that something may just go wrong. What if it does? The situation with Michael is a difficult one and I worry about all the 'what if's' I know this is trying to read the last chapter, but really it is about just being prepared.
I do not want to die like my dad and leave questions and guilt for my loved ones. I will be organising my medical orders and while it is to some morbid to think of such things, for me it is a necessity for my piece of mind.
So a fairly full on blog for my first one back after my hiatis. Oh well gotta keep up the drama...just wish sometimes it was someone elses drama....