I have been working hard at accepting my life for what it is now and not keep dwelling on regrets and perceived failures. It has been hard. I am in fact a consummate dweller. I dwell on most things. I think and re-think things. I go over what I said and worry that maybe I should have said it in a different way or have said something totally different altogether. So this move to stop dwelling is not as easy at some lovely people think. They say "stop thinking about it" "move on" "don't worry" and as I have said in previous posts, they all mean well and are trying to inspire me, but as a dweller extraindonaire, it is a little harder than that.
I mean how many people would like to give up something and again, good meaning people say, well just stop eating it, or how many people ache to give up smoking but just do not have the motivation or commitment even though they know how very bad it is for them.
So long story short, sort of, I have made a move to hop off the dwelling train. I have made the fat controller blow the whistle and halt all journeys. Now this is not to say that I am cured....there are no magic fairies or flying carpets here, but I am making a concerted effort to focus on those things that I can control and not try and fix, change or modify the things that have already happened.
So I sit and write this post with a spring in my fingers and am not dwelling on changing anything that I have written. Small steps......
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Faith
I sit here wondering about the world around me. When some of us experience difficulties and hardship, well meaning and caring people will often say.... we have a lesson to learn, or that god doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. I ponder about these statements a lot. I guess I am seeking my spiritual self. To believe these statements is acknowledging that we are not in control of our lives and that it doesn't matter the choices we make as they are pre-destined. I like to think that I do have control over all the choices that I make. I know that I cannot control those around me who also make their own choices, but for it to be pre-destined? I also wonder at the belief that when people die - that it was their time to go. That they had learn't the lessons that they needed for this life. Are they saying that a 99 year old person is still to learn something or a baby who dies from sids had something to learn?? Or then it is turned around and statements are made that it may not have been the people who died that had a lesson to learn but those around them.
I am not at all trying to dis-respect anything that anyone has told me. I envy people with faith. I envy their beliefe that all will be well and that they can allow the terrible things that happen to have a greater meaning.
I seek faith, for me.
I have realised that my faith does not need to be that of anyone elses, but needs to be what sits with me each and every day. I am currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. This book is about one womans journey to find her faith, herself in the face of depression and distance from life.
It has made me think about me and the needs that I have to be part of the world of faith, but has empowered me to seek my version of it.
I wonder at the lessons that I may have had to learn from the experiences I have had?? I had thought my heart attack 2 years ago was an experience that made me appraciate life, but in hindsight (which is a wonderful thing) it seems to have been the start of my journey of self and life discovery.
I am close (not quite there totally yet) to believing that all that has happened may have been for the better...not the kids part of everything, because there is no way that I can see that as being a better situation,but posssibly the marriage breakdown and depression. I can see that I was not being my true self. That I was settling for things too often and that I was and am, worth more than I was receiving.
I am not at all trying to dis-respect anything that anyone has told me. I envy people with faith. I envy their beliefe that all will be well and that they can allow the terrible things that happen to have a greater meaning.
I seek faith, for me.
I have realised that my faith does not need to be that of anyone elses, but needs to be what sits with me each and every day. I am currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. This book is about one womans journey to find her faith, herself in the face of depression and distance from life.
It has made me think about me and the needs that I have to be part of the world of faith, but has empowered me to seek my version of it.
I wonder at the lessons that I may have had to learn from the experiences I have had?? I had thought my heart attack 2 years ago was an experience that made me appraciate life, but in hindsight (which is a wonderful thing) it seems to have been the start of my journey of self and life discovery.
I am close (not quite there totally yet) to believing that all that has happened may have been for the better...not the kids part of everything, because there is no way that I can see that as being a better situation,but posssibly the marriage breakdown and depression. I can see that I was not being my true self. That I was settling for things too often and that I was and am, worth more than I was receiving.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Australia Zoo
Sierra and I had a great day at the zoo today. We went with Deb, Nathan and Emma. It was lovely spending time with this lovely threesome. Sierra, god bless her, is working on not whinging about everything. It seems to only happen with me. I think she saves it all up on the week I don't have her and then lets me have it. Some weeks it is very difficult, other weeks she is great.
Some have pothesised (?) that she may be blaming me for everything and feels like I abondoned her. I certainly do feel like that, I mean how does a three year old deal with being away from either parent for 7 days?? No contact, nothing.
It is what I am now fighting for. It is the only thing important enough to fight for.
Some have pothesised (?) that she may be blaming me for everything and feels like I abondoned her. I certainly do feel like that, I mean how does a three year old deal with being away from either parent for 7 days?? No contact, nothing.
It is what I am now fighting for. It is the only thing important enough to fight for.
Forward
So here I am taking another step in moving forward. I have started to try and heal difficult wounds from the past.I have tried to apologise to old friends who I lost along the way and now I am beginning to try and work out what it is that I want out of my life.
Dating is an interesting thing. It isn't that I want to jump right on in to another relationship...I think it is about feeling like you are worth something. I realise however that I need to feel like I am worth something to myself before anyone else could. I am working hard on that. At times I feel extremely worthless. I feel ugly and seem to believe that there couldn't possibly be anyone out there who could or would love me.
I know this is wrong because I do have someone who loves me. This person continues to stand at the side, constantly at their own bus stop. I would like nothing more than to fling myself into their arms and stop this constant to and fro of lifes difficulties...but I cannot. I have, as most of you know, had some issues with my sexuality over the last few years. It is not that I need to attatch a label to myself, but it is a journey about who I am, what I want and where my direction is. I need to know ME. Maybe I will never know what I am seeking, but I owe it to myself to find out before I make any major decisions.
So I am starting to date. It has so far been interesting. I wish there was a book on what do you say when you first meet someone, how should you behave. I am sure it won't come as a surprise to any that I am a tad bit sarcastic. Can be quite cutting at times. I think that maybe one of my lessons is to try and curb my tendency to make smartarse remarks....even if they are really funny.
So I start on another path that may or may not be useful, but at least I feel like I am making progress, at least I feel like I am moving forward, and at least for a while, when I meet someone new, I can be my old self again, without the strain of all the stuff swirling about. At least for a little while.
Dating is an interesting thing. It isn't that I want to jump right on in to another relationship...I think it is about feeling like you are worth something. I realise however that I need to feel like I am worth something to myself before anyone else could. I am working hard on that. At times I feel extremely worthless. I feel ugly and seem to believe that there couldn't possibly be anyone out there who could or would love me.
I know this is wrong because I do have someone who loves me. This person continues to stand at the side, constantly at their own bus stop. I would like nothing more than to fling myself into their arms and stop this constant to and fro of lifes difficulties...but I cannot. I have, as most of you know, had some issues with my sexuality over the last few years. It is not that I need to attatch a label to myself, but it is a journey about who I am, what I want and where my direction is. I need to know ME. Maybe I will never know what I am seeking, but I owe it to myself to find out before I make any major decisions.
So I am starting to date. It has so far been interesting. I wish there was a book on what do you say when you first meet someone, how should you behave. I am sure it won't come as a surprise to any that I am a tad bit sarcastic. Can be quite cutting at times. I think that maybe one of my lessons is to try and curb my tendency to make smartarse remarks....even if they are really funny.
So I start on another path that may or may not be useful, but at least I feel like I am making progress, at least I feel like I am moving forward, and at least for a while, when I meet someone new, I can be my old self again, without the strain of all the stuff swirling about. At least for a little while.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Bus Stop
The funny thing about waiting at the bus stop is the chance it gives you to reflect on all the thoughts in your head. I am however sick of analysing my thoughts and feelings, my actions and reactions. I think I know myself more now than I ever have. At times it is nice to be able to look outside of yourself and honestly see the person you really are. In saying this, it is also difficult to see that person with all the faults and flaws that you generally try to pretend is not there.
I have been able to see that while I have always wanted to make all the right decisions and choices, and worked hard at doing so, I am human, and I am not perfect.
My journey is now one of trying to love myself once again for who I am, the good, the bad, the annoying; and to forgive myself. I think the hardest part will be to forgive me. So I will sit at the bus stop and work on accepting me for who I am, and start the process of forgivness, because without forgiving myself I cannot move forward, or backwards or sideways, if I can't forgive myself I will continue to be stuck waiting for the bus.
I have been able to see that while I have always wanted to make all the right decisions and choices, and worked hard at doing so, I am human, and I am not perfect.
My journey is now one of trying to love myself once again for who I am, the good, the bad, the annoying; and to forgive myself. I think the hardest part will be to forgive me. So I will sit at the bus stop and work on accepting me for who I am, and start the process of forgivness, because without forgiving myself I cannot move forward, or backwards or sideways, if I can't forgive myself I will continue to be stuck waiting for the bus.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
At the bus stop.
So here I am once again blogging....wow twice in 2 weeks...this is progress.
I guess I am a bit hesitant to blog too much anymore about the truly personal stuff. I mean I don't think that I have said anything that isn't true, and when I do try and let off steam I try to be fair, but I am concerned that the stuff that I am putting out there, may be used against me at a future time.I worry that I can be accussed of defamation and the like and that what if people who i don't want to read this, actually do??? It is perplexing
So I will try and just talk in a general way about the things that are happening to me and see how that sits in my mind.
So on Monday I made real progress in my ability to deal with stressfull and distressing situations. I made sure that I had grace and dignity and that I did not cry in front of the 2 people that I never want to cry in front of.
I am slowly getting my spirit back. At times I have felt like I was nearly there....here I was on the edge of my life again. I had been waiting at the bus stop and finally a bus was stopping that I could get onto. Unfortunately it had no more room so it left without me and left me standing there at the bus stop once again. 2 steps forward and 5 back.
I guess on the bright side there is some movement, and movement at least means that I am alive and not in a bag somewhere.
So here I stand at the bus stop waiting to see if I can get on one of the many buses that pass me, at least today I am ok to wait. At least today I hold the timetable in my hand, it is just the destination that I seek.
I guess I am a bit hesitant to blog too much anymore about the truly personal stuff. I mean I don't think that I have said anything that isn't true, and when I do try and let off steam I try to be fair, but I am concerned that the stuff that I am putting out there, may be used against me at a future time.I worry that I can be accussed of defamation and the like and that what if people who i don't want to read this, actually do??? It is perplexing
So I will try and just talk in a general way about the things that are happening to me and see how that sits in my mind.
So on Monday I made real progress in my ability to deal with stressfull and distressing situations. I made sure that I had grace and dignity and that I did not cry in front of the 2 people that I never want to cry in front of.
I am slowly getting my spirit back. At times I have felt like I was nearly there....here I was on the edge of my life again. I had been waiting at the bus stop and finally a bus was stopping that I could get onto. Unfortunately it had no more room so it left without me and left me standing there at the bus stop once again. 2 steps forward and 5 back.
I guess on the bright side there is some movement, and movement at least means that I am alive and not in a bag somewhere.
So here I stand at the bus stop waiting to see if I can get on one of the many buses that pass me, at least today I am ok to wait. At least today I hold the timetable in my hand, it is just the destination that I seek.
Monday, July 26, 2010
This is for Tanya!!
Well it seems to have been a little while since I last blogged. Ages really. I guess I felt like I didn't want to repeat myself over and over again. But I have been abused about my lack of blogging so here I go again and try to keep you up to date with the ongoing drama and struggle which is my life.
My last blog was about my first foray into dating in the company of others.....lets just say that this first go wasn't the experience i thought it ould be. I felt like a child at the adults table. None of the other diners had been married or had children. They were rather boring and I was itching to go. The food was ok but really expensive. The guy across from me had food on his face for most of the night and I had to make a joke about the sperm shaped chocolate....needless to say it was a disaster. So I have been on 2 more...well I did pay a shitload of money to part of the group so I keep going in the hope that I will meet some people who may be ne friends in my life.
I can't really say that I am in a happy place right now personally, I had a difficult night tonight for certain reasons and I find that just a small thing can throw me off course. I did cope, I didn't make a fool of my myself so I guess apart from my reaction all is ok.
At times I sit and I do get scared about my future. It is not that I am desperate to have anyone in my life, it is just the fact that I like to share my life, my experiences and my journey with someone. Someone who will have my back in this world. I did think that, that was Michael, but no it wasn't. He has moved on and I guess my issue is that I have no closure on many questions inside my heart. I am trying so hard to move past it and just get on with my life, but my heart holds me back. My head yells, and screams, and shouts, but my heart retreats into itself, still trying to hold onto a life, a dream that is no more. I worry that I will never move on...I know dramatic drama queen that I am....I know that I will get there, I know that eventually I will be ok, that eventually I will have my life back, a better one......I just hope it doesn't take me too long...
My last blog was about my first foray into dating in the company of others.....lets just say that this first go wasn't the experience i thought it ould be. I felt like a child at the adults table. None of the other diners had been married or had children. They were rather boring and I was itching to go. The food was ok but really expensive. The guy across from me had food on his face for most of the night and I had to make a joke about the sperm shaped chocolate....needless to say it was a disaster. So I have been on 2 more...well I did pay a shitload of money to part of the group so I keep going in the hope that I will meet some people who may be ne friends in my life.
I can't really say that I am in a happy place right now personally, I had a difficult night tonight for certain reasons and I find that just a small thing can throw me off course. I did cope, I didn't make a fool of my myself so I guess apart from my reaction all is ok.
At times I sit and I do get scared about my future. It is not that I am desperate to have anyone in my life, it is just the fact that I like to share my life, my experiences and my journey with someone. Someone who will have my back in this world. I did think that, that was Michael, but no it wasn't. He has moved on and I guess my issue is that I have no closure on many questions inside my heart. I am trying so hard to move past it and just get on with my life, but my heart holds me back. My head yells, and screams, and shouts, but my heart retreats into itself, still trying to hold onto a life, a dream that is no more. I worry that I will never move on...I know dramatic drama queen that I am....I know that I will get there, I know that eventually I will be ok, that eventually I will have my life back, a better one......I just hope it doesn't take me too long...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)